<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Forget me not by Gxlyleo</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29146794">Forget me not</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gxlyleo/pseuds/Gxlyleo'>Gxlyleo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>After endgame, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Family Bonding, Flashbacks, Infinity Stones, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Jealous Sam Wilson, M/M, Memories, Multi, Protective Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson's family - Freeform, Slow Burn, a lot happens, bucky barnes is a sweetheart, bucky's family - Freeform, he's not dead in this fic tho, like at all, lowkey fluffy?, no beta we die like tony stark, some smut but not really, some violence, there's some minor ships other than sambucky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 13:02:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>42,035</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29146794</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gxlyleo/pseuds/Gxlyleo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the blip there's only one person who can remember their time spent inside the soul stone; Bucky Barnes, who claims Sam Wilson- of all people- is who shares the most memories with him. Wanda comes up with a plan to resurface all these years from the falcon’s mind but for this Sam has to agree to take a trip into Barne’s incredibly unreliable mind.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>170</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. This fine old world keep spinnin around</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Basically Supercut by Lorde and every Sinatra song I've ever heard but make it a fanfic about Sambucky because whos gonna stop me?<br/>Hope yall enjoy this one &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>ALSO: I don't like Howard, please don't interpret this as me approving or being apologetic of his shitty parenting. I wanted to represent how war changed them all. That's all I can say without getting too spoilery.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky was not leaving Sam's side. At the beginning Sam thought it was because of Steve. After everything was settled and the battle was won, both Bucky and himself naturally followed Captain America. Steve hugged them, at the same time- which Sam found endearing but also unnecessary- with tears in his eyes and a smile so big you could almost forget Tony Stark had just fried himself. </p><p>"Is Tony…" Sam started, they had never been friends but he cared nonetheless. </p><p>"Wanda and Strange are working on him" Said the blonde, his eyes distant into the hotel rooms were the witch and the wizard had taken Iron man "Magic did it, so if anything is gonna save him is gonna be it" </p><p>Bucky nodded, silently moving away from Steve and pressing his shoulder against Sam… Which was <em> weird. </em> James Buchanan Barnes was not the type of man who accidentally brushed against you, if anything he did everything in his power to avoid human contact. But at the end of the day it was nothing, so Sam did what he always does when shit gets weird: shrugged it off and got into solving the next issue. Which in this case was helping with the wounded, Steve excuse himself running at the sight of Pepper and Rhodey He half expected Bucky to follow Steve but he didn't seem so eager, only moving when the blonde basically dragged him by the upper arm. On its own this was not particularly odd, but the apologetic look Bucky sent Sam's way was. More so the mouthed "Sorry". </p><p>Sam was not sure how many hours he spent working side by side with the doctors, the sun rose and settled at least once, and by the time Steve came barging in he was covered head to bottom in sweat and blood. </p><p>"We have a problem," Announce Captain America, looking like he had just eaten something bad. Sam frowned, raising his hands and letting his palms point to the sky in the global sign of 'what's new'. </p><p>He didn't dare to ask what <em> was </em> wrong until they were far away from the rooms that were now used as a medical wing.</p><p>"What is it now?"</p><p>"Bucky." </p><p>'So nothing new' Sam thought, trying his hardest not to roll his eyes. He was not in the mood to start another man hunt for Steve's best friend.</p><p>"You wanna elaborate?" </p><p>"I--I rather you hear it for yourself."</p><p>They walked through the majority of the hotel, the type of fancy place where conferences were held and people in movies drank whisky at the bar while wearing nice suits and shiny rolexs. When Steve pushed open the doors of a meeting room, Sam almost fell to his ass at the sight of Tony Stark, badly injured but for some reason sitting at the head of the table. The burn was severe, he saw worse while serving but it was definitely something to be concerned for. How the hell was Stark awake and not drugged in pain killer to his last bones? That was beyond Sam. The room was packed. Thor, Bruce and Wanda were all sitting close to Tony, like they didn't quite trust that the man would not dissolve in front of them.</p><p>The spider kid was leaning against a wall, whispering something to Strange that looked drained. Sam's eyes quickly fell to Bucky, who was sitting on the opposite side of the table with Clint to his side, not without leaving two clearly calculated chairs for both Steve and… Well, Sam assumed it must be for him. </p><p>"Quick question," Started Tony, his voice rough and quieter than usual. "Do you happen to remember your time as dust?"</p><p>Sam's mouth opened, frowning deeply, Bucky was now looking at him like a deer in front of traffic lights. Tony's words were hard to digest, mainly because he hadn't time to think about being dead. After all he <em> had died </em>. Worse, he turned into dust. </p><p>"Do you mean when it happened?" He croaked looking at Steve.</p><p>And then he casually looked at Bucky. And… It hurt. Sam didn't like the man, okay? It was Steve's friend so he made sure he was always safe. And feed. And not having psychotic breaks. But that was that. So he was at loss of words as to why his chest ache at Barnes's clear distress. The blue eyes shifted, hope quickly replaced by despair, looking at Sam like he had just gutted a puppy in front of him. </p><p>"Well, that settled it," Said Bruce, carefully, like he was talking to a wild wolf "It's just James."</p><p>"You don't remember anything?" </p><p>This time it was Bucky the one talking. His voice broke down in the middle of the phrase, chest going up and down at a worrying speed. The usual reserved and calculating winter soldier was nowhere to be seen, this… This was new. Bucky was looking right at Sam like they were alone- not even paying attention to Steve who was moving around so nervously it was getting distracting. That look was vulnerable and human in ways Barnes had not shown, not at least so openly. Not in front of everyone. </p><p>"I don't know what you are talking about," Simply replied Sam, cocking his head and trying to read Bucky's broken posture.</p><p>The soldier turned around, looking straight into the table like he was not quite capable of computing what was happening.</p><p>"You gotta be fucking kidding me," He mumbled under his breath, burying his face in between his hands and pulling at the brown hair "Wilson if you are joking I'm gonna make a piñata out of your skull." </p><p>"Okay, no deathly threats." Reprimanded Tony, half joking, half serious. </p><p>"What-? I'm not threatening Sam!" Burst out Bucky, a choked scoff leaving his throat. "Sam?" </p><p>The Falcon wished he had something to say other than looked like a dumbass. He opened and closed his mouth like a twelve year old giving a class speech, thankfully Barnes didn't seem to need more.</p><p>"That's great sweetheart, just <em> great. </em>" The words were so sharp and raw it made Sam wince, moving slightly behind Steve.</p><p>Captain America then remembered this was his friend to deal with "Are you alright, Buck?" </p><p>"No of course I'm not fucking alright, Steve, are you stupid?"</p><p>This was followed by a grupal sound of disbelief. Except for Tony who chuckled. </p><p>"This is getting interesting," Mumbled the spider kid, and Sam could only imagine what his expression was under the mask. </p><p>"Don't be a smartass, Peter!" Bucky spat out, the words slur sloppy and confuse. Sam gusts sink in, feeling guilty. </p><p>Tony straightening up, the grin completely gone from his face. "How do you--" </p><p>"Oh, fuck, shit sorry kid I- I already told you!" The words were harsh as he spoke between his teeth. "I spend five years with the kid, of course I know his name." </p><p>"Wait, wait," Sam, against his better judgement, moved towards Bucky, sitting next to him. "You are telling me you have memories from when we...<em> Puff </em>?" </p><p>Barnes stare at him like he had suddenly grow an extra set of eyes, letting out a cynical laugh before pressing the palm of his hand against his forehead "No sunshine, we talking about some other five years none of you remember." </p><p>"I'm not the only one noticing the pet names, am I?" Whispered Thor to Wanda who shook her head. Barnes glared at him like he could murdered the nordic god with his bare hands. </p><p>"Bucky," Started Steve, getting in between the two men "I believe you, okay? But you need to explain us more about it"</p><p>The brunette nodded, pulling himself together like a machine, clenching his jaw with force. Tony moved uncomfortably in his place and Sam couldn't help but want to drag the man somewhere where he could rest. </p><p>"It was just a second. One minute Steve was in front of me and in the other he was gone. But I felt...I <em> saw </em>my hands turning into dust, so I knew what happened. But we were still on the battlefield, all the one that survi--Well, that didn't survive, I guess. Thanos was gone, his people were gone. And half of the world was gone too. I found Sam a few feet away and we regrouped and searched the area but there was nothing. Wan, you told us… You always said that you could feel the stone around us," Bucky was calm but his eyes kept on going back to Sam, like he was somehow gonna remember everything just by the mention of it. "Strange eventually came to the conclusion that we were in the stone. Quite literally," Now he was staring at Strange, something familiar cross his face, he soften up like the doctor was his friend and not someone he had just met in battle. "I mean I didn't get it, but Stephen was sure. With so many souls the stone created a pretty accurate copy of our world… Well universe, I suppose…" </p><p>He stayed silent for a couple of seconds like he couldn't decide what to say next. Lucky for him, Stark stept in.</p><p>"So you are telling us you were on the upside down? Inside an infinity stone? And you expect us to believe you? <em> You</em>, the fried brain serial killer?" </p><p>Steve made a sound that could've been a growl but Bucky spoke up before his friend could defend him. Actually he laughed. Not a hard bitter laugh, but an honest breathless one. </p><p>"No Anthony, I really don't expect you to believe me, that's the fucking problem." He dropped against his chair, looking down at his own hands, like he was waiting for them to turn into dust again. </p><p>Sam moved in the chair, wishing he could reach out and touch Bucky's arm, but they<em> didn't </em>do that. Bucky would jump if anybody even dared to breath near him so, instead, he tried for comforting words. "Does it even matter? We are back here, Barnes, we got back to the real world." </p><p>And… Oh Jesus, the words were not comforting at all. Bucky jerked like someone had slap him, narrowing his now redish eyes, and stutter with broken voice "Of course it matters" </p><p>"Yeah, Bucky is right, I preferred to know what I did for five years of my life." interjected the kid, clearly not reading the room correctly. </p><p>Bucky, breaking eye contact with Sam, was now staring at the spider boy- who's name was Peter apparently- with a half hearted smile. </p><p>"Mainly Caltech," Huffled the man, running his hand through his face. "Finished highschool early and did your major in two years, you were working towards your PhD. Didn't shut up about it.'' </p><p>"I did what now in Caltech?" The boy screamed half of the words and whispered the other, his shoulder dropped and he looked miserable. "I did a whole career and forgot about it?"</p><p>"Apparently," Mumbled Bucky, the bitterness replace with something sweet and paternal. "Is okay kid, you had fun the first time now you get to do it twice." </p><p>"Well he's clearly deranged," Simply said Tony, frowning and acting as nonchalant anyone with a fresh fourth degree burn could. </p><p>Bucky snorted, standing up slowly so no one could get the wrong idea, even though everyone indeed stiffened up ready for the winter soldier to smash Tony's head against the table. Sam followed suit, his knees feeling weak. </p><p>"I--" He looked at Sam for a second, his eyes vulnerable and open but the emotion disappeared just as quickly as it began leaving a cold stare and a more tense man. "I really don't know what to tell you. Maybe you are right and I'm insane. But I remember and it's not only the five years I--I remember everything"</p><p>Steve cocked his head like a puppy, putting a wiry hand on his best friend's shoulder, forcing the brunette to turn around and face him.</p><p>"You mean…" </p><p>"Yeah, Stevie, everything from when I broke my arm when we were seven to when I took you out of that river. Everything." </p><p>The air around the room got thicker, as everyone <em> awkwardly </em>remembered that everything meant plenty of assassination for the nazis. Not to mention the murder of Stark's parents. Sam glanced vaguely towards Tony, who's expression had grown darker. </p><p>"Maybe I can help," Offered Wanda, standing up and walking towards them. "There's a chance I can...Get in your head, take a look at the memories and see if they had been alter by magic." </p><p>Bucky grimaced, moving backwards and out of reach of the witches’ touch. The movement was so abrupt he collapsed against Sam, just staying steady with his back against the other's chest.</p><p>"Or maybe not…" Quickly added Wanda, cheeks bright red. </p><p>Bucky's shoulders were tense and Sam could feel his breathing getting heavier, nonetheless he pulled an apologetic smile "I'm sorry, Wan, I just am not thrilled by the idea of someone inside my head. Besides, anything going on in here," he tapped his temple, "Can easily just be consequences of Hydra. So you may find no magic but that doesn't prove anything" </p><p>"So you don't even trust yourself?" Argued Bruce, he was clearly not trying to be rude. He failed. </p><p>"Of course not, Banner," Spat out the man, looking at the hulk like he was an idiot and not someone with multiple Phds. "My memories are not reliable. At all." </p><p>"So maybe we can tap into someone else's" Wanda's words were low and thoughtful, as if she wasn't planning on saying them. "There's anyone who got, mm, <em> snap </em>away that you could share memories with?" </p><p>"Yeah Sam, obviously," Bucky said deadpan, making the Falcon jump a little bit. 'Obviously', sounded too much for him.  Bucky shrugged, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head "But he <em> doesn't </em>remember." </p><p>Wanda nodded, carefully playing with the idea. Sam could almost see the gears twisting and turning inside her head. Instead of the witch it was Strange who spoke up. </p><p>"But if those events happen, the only explanation for our sudden collective amnesia is indeed magic. Now, James's memory may not be trustworthy but, as far as I know, Sam's is. If we can brought out some of your memories," he pointed at Bucky with his head, with something new on his face. "Maybe we can scratch Sam's own" </p><p>"That literally makes no sense" Chimed in Stark, he looked at Bruce who was equally as confused. "Does that make sense to you?" </p><p>The hulk shook his head. Strange scoff, not delighted by the two science men. </p><p>"Well James's mind is not ordinary. Now as you know, the energy that's around us can be shaped in different ways. Alter, or simply access. Our unconscious is not more nor less than that: energy. Whoever was working with it was probably not expecting something like, no offense, James has inside his head. Hydra methods are famous for being everything but human. We have no idea what James's mind endorsed, therefore we have no concept of what it can take. It's not just about the biological aspects, we are talking about core influences that run more deep than any neurologist can imagine. And if true, and this is the work of an infinity stone, we are talking about forces we do not understand. Now that being said, memories, even when they are not erased by magic, can always be triggered. And if we can reach in James's mind, and share those memories with Sam, maybe they can unlock whatever is blocking them in the first place."</p><p>"That's a really long tedious way to say you are winging it, Strange" Said Thor with a chuckled. "But what the hell? We have resourced to time travel in the past, in comparison this is super logical." </p><p>Wanda let out a small laugh, glaring at the god before turning back to Strange. "We can try it, if you guys want to." </p><p>Sam expected Tony to add something snarky or for Steve to jump in ready to be overprotective over Bucky, instead they both stayed silent, eyes glued to the odd pairing. Only then Sam realized how ridiculously close they were standing, he moved away putting a very needed space between them. Bucky grin at that, a smugness that was out of character for him, before saying:</p><p>"What do you think, Wilson?" </p><p>"That a trip to your hell is not exactly what I was planning on doing tonight" Sam bite the inside of his cheek, wishing he could just take a nap before letting out an over dramatic sight and adding "But  I guess we are doing this."</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Lucky for Sam they didn't do it right away. Instead they all eat, sleep, shower and do all the things that humans do after a very traumatic event. Steve overworked himself, Rhodey got over controlling, the kid cried, Scott ate so many tacos it was getting bizarre, Wanda disappeared, Carol punched a wall, Tony was in denial of his own very clear conditions, Pepper screamed at people, you name it, someone was coping that way. For Sam this was oversleeping, apparently for Bucky it was laying on the floor and staying very still. In the same room as Sam, for some reason. Sleeping on the floor was not weird for someone like Barnes. But Bucky was wide awake. </p><p>"What are you even doing?" Asked the man eventually, looking down at the floor next to his bed. </p><p>"Uh?" Bucky opened his eyes slowly, so red and sleepy it was almost endearing if it wasn't so damn weird. </p><p>"Why the hell are you doing on the floor, Barnes?" </p><p>"I doubt you feel up to sharing the bed, sunshine." </p><p>Sam winced, slightly horrified by the idea of bunking with Bucky, he tried to convey anything but ended up stuttering and feeling his neck getting hotter than usual. Did that mean something in Bucky's memories?… It couldn't be, could it? The grandma pet names were weird but Barnes was weird in general so… A husky laugh interrupted Sam's line of thought "I get...Uh<em> , dizzy </em> sometimes, feeling the ground calms me down." </p><p>"Got ya," Mumbled Sam, turning around trying to push down the sudden embarrassment. </p><p>Wilson got to sleep a whole day before Steve dragged them down to a conference room. The same round table of people was waiting for them. Bucky seemed shifty and unhinchet, and when he sat down he sounded almost annoyed.</p><p>"Do we really need an audience?" </p><p>"Well, they all wanted to witness it themselves…"</p><p>"Wait what," Bucky eyes darted towards Steve, clearly in panic. "Witness what?"</p><p>It got awkward real quick. More so because Bucky was grasping something that Sam was not. </p><p>"I'm not letting people <em> watch </em> my memories!" He glare back at Strange who didn't seem to react "Fuck that, no way."</p><p>"I mean Sam is gonna do it, why not the rest of us? We also lost years," This time it was the kid talking, he shrugged clearly uncomfortable. </p><p>"I don't mind you, Peter," Quickly clarified Bucky, not without pulling a face. "Tho, I don't know what shit is gonna come up and I'm not sure you are old enough for a lot of it…"</p><p>"I'm old enough!" Argue the kid, his voice breaking in the process. </p><p>"There's shit no one, not even you Pete, should see." Simply replied Bucky.</p><p>"But you are okay with Sam doing so?" The question came from Steve. If Wilson didn't know any better he would've thought Captain America was jealous. And to be fair maybe he was, after all Steve had spent the good part of a year just wishing Barnes would open up to him, be the same kid from Brooklyn. But that never happened. Bucky was secretive, shy and he pushed everyone- including Steve- away. Sam could only imagine how it must feel for his best friend to choose someone else over him. Not just anybody but Sam, who was practically a stranger. </p><p>If he had any doubt about Cap's feeling they disappear when Bucky said, without a shadow of doubt (almost like he had forgotten he was indeed a lone wolf who didn't let people in) "It's Sam." </p><p>Steve's face shifted, hurt crippling through his eyes but quickly pushed away. </p><p>"Well, Barnes, I think I speak for the team when I say you are already one suspicious guy" Tony voice was not charge with heat, if anything he sounded ready to negotiated "We don't particularly trust you"</p><p>"That's not true" Interjected Steve, pouting at his other friend. Not the one he sugar coated everything for but the one that always pissed him off. </p><p>"Okay, we- except for Steve- don't particularly trust you. But no, we're not gonna pry on your personal momentos, we are just here in case things get nasty..." </p><p>The blonde grunted, looking at Tony like he was the devil. Bucky seemed to be ignoring all of this dramatics, and weighing Tony's words with care. Eventually he looked at Sam "Are you comfortable with that? I mean I know you don't know but--" </p><p>"I just want to get this over with" Burst out Sam, feeling sick to his stomach. </p><p>And just like that Bucky shrugged and sat down, letting both Wanda and Stranger walk behind him. The warlock stared at Sam with something meaningful in his eyes "Shall we?" </p><p>Sam wanted to say no. To go back to his shitty motel room and sleep another 20 hours straight. He did not want to be carried onto whatever bizarre experiment they were about to do with Barnes. Either way he took his place next to Bucky, feeling Wanda rest her tiny but powerful hands on top of his shoulder. Almost out of insitic he glanced towards Barnes, the man forced a grin and before the world went red he could have sworn the winter soldier winked at him. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The first thing that appeared before his eyes was Bucky.  </p><p>"Wilson?" Barnes voice was shaky and filled with distress "Thank god you are alright" </p><p>Sam needed a second to process, since when does Barnes care about him? Of course, he was laying on the floor with his face plaster against the dirt which was a concerning picture when you were not in a battlefield and it certainly was creepy when you were. </p><p>"Uh" Was the only thing he managed to say.</p><p>Barnes didn't wait for him to catch up, instead he took him by the arms and helped him to his feet like Sam was a tiny kid and not a full grown man with at least 110lb of just gear. He even brushed the dirt off his shoulders, studying The Falcon's face with care like he could just disappear at any minute. </p><p>"Barnes?" </p><p>"I can't find Steve" </p><p> </p><p>Turns out, it was not only Steve the one missing. Half of them were gone.</p><p>"So Thanos did it?" Asked Wanda once they were back at the compound. </p><p>Bucky was particularly quiet, Sam noticed. Not that Bucky talked all that much really, he was, after all, the poster child of that one awkward kid that always sits in the back of the class. This time, though, he was sitting at the head of the table, right next to Sam. The blue eyes were darker than usual, as he took in everyone's side of the story. </p><p>"But how are we still here?" Okoye was in the name of T'challa, who had more pressing matters to attend than an avengers meeting. Running a kingdom and whatnot. He still wanted to have people representing Wakanda.  </p><p>"I saw my hands, my legs, turning into dust" Bucky was speaking calmly, Sam would like to add a little bit to calm for what he was saying. </p><p>He didn't remember any of that. He was with Rhodey one second and the other Barnes was hovering on top of him and rambling about Thanos. </p><p>You didn't have to be a genius to figure out what happened. They spent a few hours just talking, trying to connect the dots. Why were they still here? Shouldn't they simply turn into dust and nothing else? Why more? How? And they went on and on with not a single certainty except: they were alive. Sorta. But half of the population wasn't, or they were, but not for them. </p><p>There was so much to get done. So many answers to get, so much work. Sam's head was spinning and the ringing in his ears was getting worse by the minute. </p><p>Calling his family was no easy task either, his mum screamed at him for taking so long and his sister broke down crying because she couldn't find her husband. And Gideon didn't pick up. But Gideon spent so much time working at church and helping others it was not something to lose his last nerve about. Gideon was even more resilient than him, the kid could survive a tsunami, he was probably just busy. Or so Sam told himself. After shutting a sea of text towards his little brother he finally relaxed his shoulders. </p><p>He walked towards one of Stark's ridiculous coffee carts and began preparing two cups without thinking about it, his head filled with every little task they had to get done. </p><p>So of course he almost jumped out of his skin when Bucky called him.</p><p>"Wilson?"</p><p>The motherfucker was as silent as a cat. </p><p>"Jesus christ, Barnes" He groaned, shaking his hand where some hot coffee had splashed. </p><p>"Jumpy much?" Asked Bucky, with a new edge to his voice. Teasing? </p><p>Sam scoff, rightfully taken aback by the out of place tone. Half of the world had to disappear for James Barnes to get a sense of humor. He shook his burnt hand and took one of the cups and offered it to Barnes. </p><p>"I don't do caffeine," Said the other, shrugging.</p><p>"I know, it doesn't have any" </p><p>This time it was Barnes's time to frown in confusion. Sam simply brushed it off, he wasn't sure why he made the coffee in the first place but he made it like Bucky used to order it when he was back in europe and Sam was tailing him. It was amazing how much decaffeinated coffee one human could drink. Also it was weirdly easy to make baristas tell you others people's orders. </p><p>"What? You are not the only good spy" Sam argued with a grin "I hunted your freak decaffeinated ass for a year, remember?" </p><p>"How could I ever forget" He smiled, raising his hand where a paper bag was being fiercely grabbed "Want some food? I also did my homework and this is meat free" </p><p>Sam leaned his head back, teeth bared to the world as he let out a rough chuckled “And what’s your excuse for being creepy?”</p><p>Barnes rolled his eyes, moving towards a huge leather couch that Sam had always thought it was obnoxious. They collapsed, almost in sync, a cup of coffee switched from Sam’s hand to Bucky’s and so did a sandwich of soy meat and tomate. </p><p>"Well I had you running around behind me for a year, remember?" Retaliated Barnes with a grin. </p><p>'Running around' seemed a little disrespectful to the very serious investigation job Sam had done, thank you very much. </p><p>They eat in silence, letting the weight of the day settle in within their bones. And the one though Sam was pushing away with everything in his being suddenly burst through, forcing him to let out a small sob that was quickly shut off by his own hand. Bucky cocked his head, blue eyes soft and respectful, as if he wanted to hold Wilson in place just by staring at him.</p><p>"My brother is not picking up the phone" He explained, clearing his throat and putting the sandwich down "My mum she alright. So is my sister and Cece-- But Gideon is not picking up the fucking phone. And I know him, he's probably out there helping people's but Sarah went to his church and no one had seen him, Barnes...He's my baby brother, he's not supposed to die before me, I--" </p><p>The words were slipping hard and broken from Sam's lips, he couldn't seem to stop feeling the phone in his pocket burning hot. Why wasn't Gideon calling back? Why wasn't him with their mum? </p><p>"Sam…" Bucky's touch Sam's shoulder, it was a shy reach, tentative. The metal hand was cold and grounding "Let's go look for him" </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky felt the magic entering his brain. Both Wanda and Strange were being careful around it, but the soldier was used to people toying with him. He was used to resisting. But, he remembered, there was no need for that. This was not Hydra, this was Wan, and to some extent this was just for Sam. After that, the magic easily crashed like a wave and his vision went black. </p><p> </p><p>Gideon was gone. Bucky knew this before they left for Harlem. He knew this while the lights in the highway reflected on Sam's worry expression, when they scattered the man's apartment to find it spot clean with no one inside it, and when they talked with everyone at his church and no one could place him after the snap. Gideon was gone but they had no proof of it. Bucky waited a few steps behind Sam as he hugged an old lady and talked to her with familiar tenderness, he offhandedly wondered who she was. Everyone at the tiny church seemed to hold onto each other. Bucky was not used to it, he held fate as far as humanly possible. After all a man that had witnessed and endorsed as much as Barnes was not gonna be prone to believing in a higher kind power. There was also the little problem of being born in the 40', which sometimes creeped up on Bucky reminding him about heaven and hell and how fun his way down was gonna be. </p><p>He shook the feeling away, seeing Sam walking towards him. </p><p>"Nothing" Mumbled the man, his eyes hard. </p><p>"Anywhere else?" </p><p>"No." The answer was short and bitter, he took the phone out of his pocket again "I'm gonna call him." </p><p>Barnes nodded, trying to ignore the growing certainty that they were fighting a lost battle. But then, he heard it, it was low enough he could've just ignored it. A buzzing that started as quick as Sam put his ear to the phone. A vibration and a tune that could've been playing yards away but Bucky's super-soldier ear catched on. He moved without waiting for Wilson, carried by the sound. Behind him his teammate mumbled an insult, following Bucky a few seconds later. </p><p>"What the fuck are you doing now, Barnes?" </p><p>Uncalled for, Bucky thought, he had been in his best behavior for a while now. </p><p>"Shut it, Wilson" He glare back before opening a door "And don't curse in church, moron" </p><p>Sam just blink at him. </p><p>"You just--Nevermind, why the h--eck are you going to the basement for?" </p><p>"Cure cancer, what do you think?" </p><p>"I think you are a weirdo breaking into a church basement" </p><p>Again, uncalled for. </p><p>Bucky turned around ready to tell Wilson off when he realized the sound stopped. Right when Sam put his phone away. </p><p>"No, stay on the phone" </p><p>"There's no signal down here" Sam replied, clearly annoyed. </p><p>"Then stay outside, Wilson" Bucky's voice could've been a little bit more tender, but to be fair sensibility was not the winter soldier's strongest suit. </p><p>The other man frowned, the dots connecting in his head as he stared down the stairs and then to Barnes's stiff expression. </p><p>"You can hear it, can't you?" </p><p>Bucky moved in his place, uncomfortable. If Gideon's phone was down there it could mean only one thing. Sam moved past Bucky, pushing the soldier against the wall and rushing down the staircase. </p><p>"Shit" Mumbled Barnes, following at equal speed. </p><p>They made it to the bottom of the stair at the same time, Sam stopping dead on his tracks, Bucky almost stumbling on top of him. Right in front of them a bag of tools was open and left unattended. Any other day, this would be brushed over, more so because the whole basement was covered with random junk. But that day, it looked like a crime scene. Sam let out a husky breath, walking slowly towards the bag, he leaned down and only then Barnes realized he wasn't reaching for the tools. The phone had a yellow case and a crack screen. </p><p>"Sam?" </p><p>Bucky didn't know Sam all that well, they orbit around each other with distance and something not necessarily hostile but clearly not friendly. Steve was their meeting point. And when Sam was next to Steve he was always calm, kind and irracionably collected. So when the man threw the phone across the room, crashing into a million pieces, Bucky almost jumped out off his skin. </p><p>"Wilson?" He called again. </p><p>Sam stayed still for a second, his chest going up and down so fast it was concerning. </p><p>"I have to tell my mum" His voice broke down, as he dried his hands against his pants. </p><p>"Okay, we can do that…" Replied Bucky, because what else could he say? </p><p>"I just need a minute," He looked around, brown eyes narrow in panic and shook "outside"</p><hr/><p>The air was cold and sharp, the Autumn's leaves circling Bucky's feet as he waited in the middle of the church park. After basically carrying Sam out of the basement Barnes had decided to give him some space, letting his teammate collapse against a bench, head between his hands and shoulders sunk. </p><p>If he was someone else, maybe...Maybe if he knew what to say...Maybe then he would walk toward Wilson and promise things were gonna be okay. But Bucky didn't like lying, he wasn't Steve, he had no clue what the right thing to say was, if he could remember what having a family was like <em> maybe </em>...</p><p>The laughs break his train a thought. His neck shut up, searching for whoever could possibly be laughing after half of the world had disappeared: kids. They couldn't be older than ten, running around each other. The little girl was making faces at the boy, as they raced in front of Sam and went straight into the swing.</p><p>"Stop! Or imma gonna tell mum!" The little boy was visually pouting, as he tried to get the only swing and failed "Anna!"</p><p>The girl simply stick her tongue out, cracking up "You go ahead and do that" </p><p>Bucky chuckled as the little kid sat down on the floor in front of the swing, keeping his sister from using it. </p><p>"You gonna hurt yourself, silly!" Sang his sister and…</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>He lost balance, the sun striking against his eyes, filtering through the branches of the huge oak tree. He loved the city and it's mess, but everytime they visited their grandparents he would make a promise to himself: when he got old he was gonna get a house in the suburbs. One of those boring houses his mum hates. With big trees and a roof to climb on. </p><p>"You gonna hurt yourself, James!" Scream Rebecca from behind him, she was casually sitting on the middle of the roof, legs cross like a basket. She was cocky enough to climb up there, but in difference to her brother she was also smart enough not to walk on the edge of the tiles like it was a freakin tight rope. </p><p>James, being not smart enough to realized this was dumb idea, turned around smiling with all his teeth, laughing with his arms open "I'm quick, Becca, like a cheeta, Im not gonna fall" </p><p>"You are dumb as goat" </p><p>"Joke on you, cuz I heard goats are very smart" Tease the boy, jumping on one feet just to get a reaction out of his sister. </p><p>The girl let out a small shriek before covering her face "And who told you that? Steve? Because he is just as dumb as you are, now get off there or I'm gonna call mum!" </p><p>James's ears got pink, because it was Steve indeed the one who told him about the goats. But his friend was not dumb… Well, not all the time at least. </p><p>"Becca, I'm fin--" </p><p>He fell. </p><p>Of course he did. </p><p>After all he was dumb as a goat.</p><p>He had to thank the oak tree later because if it wasn't for it he would have hurted himself much worse. Tho, a broken arm was not a picnic date for an 8 year old. At least it was the left arm and he could still write and draw. </p><p>More so because now he was forced to spend time inside. With Becca, of all people. Steve was not even allowed to come over. In his mum's words "You gonna get your other arm broken, and kill Steve in the process". It wasn't fair. </p><p>"Let's do something" Offered Becca, sitting next to Bucky on their little patio. The girl's big blue eyes stared back at him, as she blew the strands of brown hair that were flopping on her eyes. </p><p>Bucky's family was rich, or so said Steve anyways, he in another hand wasn't so sure about it. Their house was bigger than most, and to have a house in the city was a huge thing in itself but he could often hear his parents fight about money. Either way he was thankful for their small garden. </p><p>Usually James was not so eager to play with his sister, but options were not raining down the sky at the moment. </p><p>"Im listening…"</p><p>That's how James learned how to braid hair with only one hand. Becca spent most of the time screaming at him for pulling at her hair and being snarky about being able to go out but James just let her. Sometimes he was happy he was not an only child…</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>"Bucky?" </p><p>Sam? </p><p>It took the man a second to get back. He was not in Brooklyn, and he was no child. They were at Harlem because Sam lost his brother and he-- How the hell did he remember? </p><p>"Bucks, man, you are scaring me" </p><p>Bucky closed his eyes, trying to ground himself. It was 2018. He was James Buchanan Barnes. He was with Sam Wilson. Samuel Thomas Wilson. He was helping Sam. Sam was good. When he opened his eyes again, Wilson was staring at him with more calm than before, the dark skin shining under the lights of the city. </p><p>"Sorry, I drifted" Replied Bucky, looking around. The kids were still playing in the swings. </p><p>"I see that…" Sam raised an eyebrow, looking skeptical "Anything you wanna share with the group?" </p><p>"You are not my therapist, Wilson" </p><p>"And I thank God for that everyday," Sam smiled warmly at him, putting a hand on his shoulder "I'm just wondering. You know, as the guy who has to get into a car with you and prefers not to get thrown off the window"</p><p>It took a moment for Barnes to compute that that was a joke. He blinked twice before a chuckle came out, choked and bitter. </p><p>"I'm good, I swear" Lied Barnes, and then he remember he doesn't do that "Actually, I just remember something" </p><p>"Gonna assume it was not the stove open…" </p><p>Bucky rolled his eyes at the corny joke, looking at the kids again "I remember Becca" </p><p>Sam stayed quiet for second waiting for him to elaborate, letting out a tired breath when Barnes didn't "I have no clue who that is, Bucks" </p><p>"My sister" The words felt foreign in Barnes mouth "Steve told me about her but it didn't remember, you know? I just did" </p><p>"Oh, shit" Wilson scoffed looking back at the kids "That's great… Is it, right?"</p><p>Barnes finally smile, letting the air that he didn't realized he was holding leave his chest, he hit Sam on the arm playfully "I'm not throwing you off the window, relax" </p><p>"Good enough for me" Sam' smile got weaker, his hand squeezing Bucky's shoulder "Hey, I know it's a bit much, but, hmm, can you come to my mum's with me?"  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. In other words, hold my hand</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"We can't just pick our shit and leave" cry out Sam, he was looking at Bucky like he was utterly insane. Which was not so off.</p><p>"Yes we can," Argued easily Barnes. Because they could, it was just as simple as that "You can grab some sleep while I drive. You gonna want to finish that, tho. You can't just run on caffeine, Wilson"  </p><p>And just as Sam said, they picked their shit and left. Barnes didn't even stutter while telling T'challa they needed to leave. The king nodded, wishing Sam luck and getting back to his duties. </p><p>"Told you so" Whispered Bucky after, a grin that had no business being that cocky plaster on his face. </p><p>Sam was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For Barnes to switch up on him, but it didn't happen. Not in the road when the traffic became draining, not in the church when people were all over the two of them, not in the basement, and not even in the park when Bucky zone out, lost on what it seemed like a very nasty flashback. And he certainly didn't when they arrived at his mum's. </p><p>Sarah opened the door, eyes red and hair a mess.</p><p>"Sammy" She cried, before tugging him close. They hugged for a while, holding each other. Sam was close with his siblings, more so as the years went by. Knowing it was just gonna be the two of them from now… He felt the tears hot as Sarah pulled away, squeezing his shoulder. Her eyes fell on Bucky, widening a terrible amount and getting filled with panic. </p><p>Only then Sam came to his senses: he had brought the <em> winter soldier </em>to his mum's. </p><p>"Sarah, this is James he--" Started Sam, feeling his throat weak and dry.</p><p>"Put a bomb in the UN" Sarah's voice was harsh and Sam was suddenly having dejavu of when he started dating the wrong girl. </p><p>Bucky looked at Sam, he was calmer than ever, blue eyes soft and strangely familiar. </p><p>"That wasn't actually me," started Bucky, shrugging "But I figure you can think of something else, and that may be me" </p><p>Sarah scoff, leaning his head back, letting a big sight escape her lips. She then look back again, shaking her shoulder and putting a hand in the air:</p><p>"I'm sorry, James I just had a really long day," She even mustered a smile.</p><p>Bucky took it, not without having an awkward moment of doubt, staring at his prosthetic hand. Sarah finally chuckled, glaring at Sam one more time.</p><p>"Sarah is it Sam, baby?" </p><p>Sam's mother appeared in the hallway. She was wearing a yellow shirt, with some expensive blue navy pants and her son could only guess what the hell she had been up to before everything went down. The woman basically ran towards him, throwing both arms around his shoulder, cursing him. Sam took the scolding and the hug, looking sideways to find Bucky moving in his place, shoulder down and hands tucked away in his pockets, like he could make himself small enough to not be noticed. </p><p>"You better have a good excuse for not coming home right away, Samuel'' His mother's face was kinder than Sam recalled. Somehow in the years he spent traveling around the world next to Steve, he could only remember his mother's disappointed look when he told her he needed to leave to Europe to hunt down an ex facist assassin. That was now right next to him. Uh. </p><p>"I was in the middle of a battlefield?" Try Sam, looking at Sarah that simply rolled her eyes at him.</p><p>If Sam's mum noticed Barnes, she faked dementia. She simply forced them in, closing the door behind them and pushing the two siblings to get inside the kitchen, a door quickly slam behind them afterwards…</p><p> </p><p>Sam's mind drifted, turned and twisted, red and green shooting around his head. He couldn't remember what happened after the door closed. Why could he remember? For the first time he was painfully conscious of Wanda and Strange prodding at his brain, tugging, pulling and he wanted them off him. It was so rapid he couldn't hold himself, like diving from the sky, too fast, out of control… But Sam was never out of control. He--He-- </p><p> </p><p>"Hey, lay off" The voice resonated from outside.</p><p>Bucky.</p><p>Sam felt the red retrieving and when he opened his eyes again he found a very concerned Steve looking at him. </p><p>"You are pushing for memories he doesn't have" Bucky's words were stone cold, with something raw and foreign that Sam couldn't quite place "We said my mind, not his" </p><p>"It's not that simple, James" Replied Strange, his casual politeness slipping for a bit. </p><p>"If it hurts him, you back off, what's not simple about that, Stephen?"</p><p>Okay, Sam could place that. Bucky was angry.</p><p>"Hey man, I'm fine" His voice gave his lies away. </p><p>Bucky gift him with a face that could be read as "sure you are" or "Imma murder you", both were equally as terrifying. </p><p>"Just stay with me, okay" Barnes was talking directly to Wanda. Tony was about to open his mouth when Barnes look at him "I get you don't trust me, but we don't fucking need your commentary right now Stark, so save it" </p><p>Just like that he closed his eyes, leaving everyone in the room a little bit confused. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. In other words, please be true</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam's mum closed the door right in Bucky's nose. Not that he complained, if anything he imagined this was the best case scenario. Of course until he heard the little voice. </p><p>"Hi" </p><p>Barnes was not  easily scared, his insitics usually saved him from that. Why didn't he hear the little girl behind him? No idea, was he about to get visually startel at a literal child? Apparently. </p><p>“Oh, hey” Replied Bucky, brushing away the shock off his bones “I’m Bucky” </p><p>“You are Sam’s boyfriend?” Asked the girl, examining him with care. </p><p>Barnes almost choked, “Uh, no, no, we just--Work together?” Top notch job he was doing. </p><p>“So you are a superhero too?” She squeezed her eyes, like she didn’t quite believe that “You don’t look like a superhero”</p><p>“I’m not. I mean, I guess I am, but not like Sam” The words were simple enough to make sense even if they really didn’t. </p><p>“So, what are you then?” </p><p>Barnes was about to answer when the cries started. It was loud. The type of sobbing that makes your hair crisp and your heart swoll. It was fucking awful. Bucky saw the little girl's eyes being filled with panic, she aimlessly tried to reach for the door but stopped in the middle of her tracks. Maybe realizing that whatever was going on it was meant only for adults to hear. </p><p>She turned around, her lips trembling and the brown eyes glossy, “Are things that bad?” </p><p>Bucky breath in, knowing he was literally the worst person ever to be talking to a soon to be traumatized child. He didn’t even remember the last time he talked to a kid. How the fuck you tell a eight year old that shit was fucked? </p><p>“You never told me your name” He said instead, moving towards the living room and sitting down. </p><p>The girl follow him, eyes watery and hands over her heart “Cece” </p><p>“Well, Cece, I’m not gonna lie to you,” He looked down at her, as she jumped on top of the coffee table and stared at him expectantly. “things may be bad for a while… Things <em> are </em> gonna be bad for a while. But they are gonna get better, even if it takes some time” </p><p>She nodded, looking down at her hands, tiny and shaky. Taking her time to think. When she looked back at him there was a shy smile on her face, “You promise?” </p><p>“Yeah” Replied without doubt Bucky, a scream cutting his words “Yeah, Cece, I promise.”</p><p>They stay in silence for a few minutes, the sounds from the kitchen resonating through the house. </p><p>“I like your hair” She let out eventually, clearly trying to occupied the silence “You should curl it sometime, or do something fun with it”</p><p>It was not what Barnes expected from the clearly grieving little girl. But hey, it was a start. He chuckled, taking a strand, feeling the dryness and the dirt from the battlefield.</p><p>“Fun like what?”</p><p>“I don’t know… Maybe dye it? There’s this boy at my school who has his whole hair dyed green. Or braid it? Not like my braids, but you know. like a viking maybe?” </p><p>Bucky's smile came naturally this time. He didn't exactly picture himself with green hair. Becca would’ve died at that, he realized. </p><p>“I think the green may be a bit much” He admitted, with a grin “I should definitely try the braids, tho” </p><p>“Can I try?” Her eyes were suddenly less watery, clearly inspired by the possibility of a makeover.</p><p>Bucky didn’t have the heart to say no. So two hours later when Sam walked out of the kitchen, eyes red and face drained of life, James Buchanan Barnes was now styled with a complicated set of braids that he didn’t think had anything to do with vikings, and a  blue headband of course. </p><p>“Wha--” </p><p>Bucky pointed with his head to Cece, now fast asleep on the bigger couch. Sam frowned, his eyes going back from his niece to the soldier, doing the math. Sarah in another hand simply chuckled, putting a hand to her face, whispering to her brother “She’s having hair styling phase” </p><p>“Well she is very good at it” Replied a voice from behind the siblings. Sam’s mother walked into the living room, pointing at Cece once and then looking at his son with something Bucky could place as ‘get moving, kid’ “Take her to my bed, Sammy” </p><p>The man did as he was told, picking the kid up and briefly smiling at Bucky who wasn’t sure what to do with himself. </p><p>“I’m Darlene” Said the lady after chasing her son with her eyes, making sure he walked down the hallway without hitting the child’s head against the furniture. </p><p>Bucky jumped to his feet, offering the wrong hand and changing it immediately after “James” </p><p>She shook it, the brown eyes studying him exactly like her daughter had done “I know who you are” I mean, he didn’t expect old ladys to like him, that was Steve’s job. He was more of an <em> awkward friend that stayed in the back </em> type of guy. “My husband used to be obsessed with the howling commandos. I think i heard your name more times than ‘thank you’ from that man” </p><p>Oh. </p><p><em> Oh damn </em>. </p><p>“Oh” </p><p>Not the wisest words Barnes had let out. </p><p>Sarah scoff, collapsing on the couch were her daughter was resting moment before “Yeah, he was one of those world war two freaks” </p><p>Ah.</p><p>Bucky's social skills were properly rusted, so it took him a second to find anything appropriate to say. </p><p>“I supposed that means something kinda different for me” Why was he trying to joke? Why was he like this?</p><p>Sarah leaned her head back, smiling to the ceiling, cocking her head slightly towards Bucky. She was very similar to Sam, all cheekbones and pretty eyes, “I supposed it does. Sorry for my girl, she’s really something else” </p><p>“Don’t apologize to the man, she did him a favor” Sam was back, staring at Bucky with a small smile “Don’t look at me like that, you look homeless, Bucks”</p><p>“I am technically homeless, Sam” </p><p>Darlene made a face, hitting his son in the arm “Who raised you?” </p><p>“He is not homeless, he is just dramatic” Sam glared at Bucky- who was actually homeless by the definition of the word. He didn’t fight it. </p><p>They stayed talking in the living room for a while, Darlene sat down next to his daughter and Sam took place in the arm of Bucky's self proclaimed couch, putting one of his legs in between Bucky’s, leaning against him ever so slightly. Weirdly enough none of that bothered the soldier, who usually would jerk away even from Steve. But Sam moved differently, the touching was not meanifull and charged with pain like Steve used to do, neither was it fearful or carefull whatsoever, like everyone else did. It simply was. Almost accidental. Careless. Bucky liked that. He liked feeling normal for once in a while.</p><hr/><p>He visited Becca's grave the next day. After waking up on the floor of Darlene's living room- Sam had taken the entirety of the couch for himself- the winter soldier  cracked his back and promised that from now he was gonna do everything in his power to avoid sleeping on the floor. It was a low bar but he figured more soon than not he was gonna break that promise. </p><p>He shook the roughness of his muscles, stretching and letting out a big yawn. The sun was barely coming out, small strains of light rushing through the blind to fall on Sam's face, the eyelashes catching them and making tiny stars. It took him less than a minute to make the resolution, taking off the headband and walking out of the door. </p><p>Sam didn't need him there. If anything he should've left before they both fell asleep out of pure exhaustion. The man would be better off. </p><p>His feet took the lead, moving around New York like a day didn't pass from when he was a kid, with the difference that the city was quiet. Empty. Or at least half empty, with another half mourning. The leaves and the trash brush against Bucky as he searched his way to the cementerie, not without wishing his and Sam's neighborhoods were closer. But he just walked, because that was his thing, resilient pain and whatnot. It fucking sucked. </p><p>It was probably past noon when he found her grave. She married, had children, made a life for herself. Barnes wanted to feel something other than anguish, he wished he could be selfless and be happy for his sister. But he was tired; exhausted of losing, weared off with loneliness. And now...Now he didn't even have Steve. The memory of his friend felt like a blade to the throat, they just didn't seem to ever catch each other. The one person he sincerely needed, the only one that seemed to alleviate the pain was now gone. He midleslly wondered if Steve was still out there, now left to his devices without him or Sam. It wasn’t a good thought. Barnes was <em> just </em> tired, so he sat there, staring at the tombstone, his legs shaking and his heart clenched. He stayed like that for hours, until the sun went down and the night settled cold and sharp over his shoulders. Nobody kicked him out, probably nobody was there to do so. </p><p>When he finally stood up, light headed and numb, he searched for his phone. </p><p>Sam had called. A lot. And by a lot Bucky meant more than a 100 times. </p><p>"What the f--" </p><p>He checked his text messages, now bombarded by the man.</p><p>Bird guy [10:17am]:Hey man, where u at? </p><p>Bird guy [11:34am]: Barnes? </p><p>Bird guy [11:34am]:call me </p><p>Bird guy [11:38am]:u good at least?</p><p>Bird guy [12:46pm]:????? </p><p>Bird guy [12:50am]:what the hell bucky</p><p>Bird guy [12:55pm]: dude I know u are about that lone wolf shit but we literally turned into dust yesterday so just call me back k? </p><p>Bird guy [14:00pm]:I'm calling you moron pick up </p><p>Bird guy [14:03pm]:imma murdered u I swear </p><p>Bird guy [14:15pm]:if you turned into dust again I'm gonna pick it up and feed it to a dog </p><p>Bird guy [17:24pm]:bucky come on </p><p>Bird guy [18:09pm]:dude????</p><p>Bird guy [18:10pm]:barnes pick the fucking phone </p><p>Bird guy [18:55pm]:just don't be dead </p><p>"Fuck" mumbled Bucky, putting the phone back into his pocket and moving. </p><hr/><p>He didn't call until he was at Darlene's apartment doors, his hands sweaty for no reason. He remembered it was the third floor and the second door at the right but he didn't dare to enter the building. He wasn't even sure why. </p><p>The tone only sound once before Sam picked up "Where the fuck are you?" </p><p>Barnes vaguely heard Darlene hitting Sam on the arm and whispering something about cursing. </p><p>"Downstairs" His voice sounded husky after a whole day in silence. </p><p>The click of the call ending made Barnes wince, and he was about to turn away at the sudden thought that maybe Sam didn't want to see him as much as he wanted to know he was alive. The winter soldier was already walking down the stairs when the wooden doors opened. Sam glared at him for a second, an eye narrow, he walked steady and Bucky prepared himself to get punched. Instead Sam hugged him, it was one of those quick, back slapping kind of hugs that Bucky handled as well as any other human interaction. Afterwards Sam held him in his place, his hand placed over Bucky's metal arm.</p><p>"You scare me" Sam didn't sound angry, but he did looked surprised"I know we are not--I mean I know I'm not Steve, man, but don't just vanish on me" </p><p>Bucky stutter, because he never thought Sam cared. I mean, Wilson cared for everyone, that much he noticed but…</p><p>"I--I wanted to see if I could find my sister's grave" He blurted it out, almost against his will. </p><p>Sam nodded, letting go of the arm and putting space in between them "Uh, okay, that's...Well that's kinda dark, Barnes" </p><p>Bucky chuckled, shrugging "I figure you were good" </p><p>Sam cocked his head to a side, as he took in what the other man was implying. Then he smiled, letting out a good laugh. The shitty fluorescent lighting contorting the prominent cheekbones and the long eyelashes, as his laughter washed away the concern off Wilson's face making the brown eyes look younger. Barnes's heart suddenly felt lighter.  "Ah shit, sorry to tell you this, Bucks, but you are not getting rid of me" </p><hr/><p>"Barnes!" Sam voice ring on Bucky's ear "I'm almost there, try to hold them back" </p><p>Bucky kicked a man in the chest, sending it flying across the room. Another agent struck him with a knife, he took them by the wrist breaking it and twisting the arm backwards. The bone broke the skin, splashing in Bucky's face, he took the agent by the hair moving his knee toward their face with all the force he could muster, being vaguely aware of bones in their nose breaking against his knee. </p><p>"Bring it down, Bucks" Said the voice behind him. Sam landed with a soft thud, looking around at the pile of uncounses bodys "No killing unless is completely necessary, okay?" </p><p>Bucky let go of the agent, rolling his eyes as he saw half a dozen of Hydra buffons appear behind Sam, gun in hand. Bucky moved without thought, pushing Sam behind him, using a piece of metal that had fallen from the ship as a shield. </p><p>"I don't think they got the memo" Barked Barnes, looking sideways at Sam who made a face at him. </p><p>"We are the good guys'' Replied the other, clearly irked. He then opened his wings, twisting them, spinning Bucky around to cover him properly. He grinned at Bucky, pinning him down to keep him out of the way.  Wilson loved that move, Bucky wasn't yet sure how he felt about it. Immediately after pushing Barnes down,  Sam snapped his wing open, flying backwards knocking the agents out like bowling pines. </p><p>"Show off" Chuckled Bucky, amused. </p><p>"You gonna stay there, old man?" Called Sam, looking down at Bucky that was still laying on the floor, the shadow of a smirk threatening to appear.</p><p>Barnes jumped to his feet, they moved in sync running head to head. But also trying to outrun each other, because lately life for the two of them was all about the small competitions. </p><p>They turned a corner when something blew up. </p><p>"Shit" Sam stumbled and Bucky catched him, gripping the man's armour "Wan, come in" </p><p>"We may need your help in here, Sam" The voice was not Wanda but Stephen "We deactivate the chips but the ship is not gonna make it, I'm taking out as many people as I can but there too many--" </p><p>"I'm on my way" Then he looked back at Bucky, "Can you…?" </p><p>"Of course I can, now go" Bucky assured, pushing him to the other direction, running to the central pod. </p><p>They were dealing with the aftermath of half of the word going puf. Which, of course, meant Bucky had to deal with Hydra bullshit one more time. This round they had cloned SHIELD technology for profiling potentially dangerous individuals, but they were not gonna just nuke them all, nah that was SHIELD type of crazy. They, instead, had done an assiduous selection of who was against them and were now putting the ships in place to set it off. </p><p>Bucky and Sam had gotten the smaller ship. Another useful tip Hydra had taken from their run with SHIELD: maybe don't use a gigantic helicarrier for your very illegal activities. Bucky couldn't complain, smaller ships meant less damaged if they went down and more importantly less running from place to place. </p><p>The chip was warden, and Bucky clenched his teeth as he fought his way through a dozen of Hydra pawns. </p><p>'No killing', Sam's voice resonated as he pulled the trigger against someone's forehead. A knife went right  into his left shoulder and a bullet brazed his leg but before he could lose more blood the agents were done for. </p><p>He was now breathing heavily, listening to his teammates talk in the intercom. </p><p>"You didn't think it would be so easy?" Sang a voice. </p><p>'For fuck sakes' thought Bucky, rolling his eyes as he took the chip and crashed it with his metal hand. When he turned around a man stared at him, mouth open, eyes wide in panic.</p><p>"You stupid fuck---" The fascist then exploted. </p><p>
  <em> So did the ship.  </em>
</p><p>Bucky didn't have time to curse himself, being sent flying into the air, breaking through the windows and falling. Air ranging in his ears, both fire and metal racing to his sides. </p><p>Welp. This was bad. </p><p>"Barnes??" Sam called in immediately, the pitched of his voice higher "Bucks please tell me you didn't crash the--" </p><p>"I was a bit distracted," Said Bucky, knowing damn well that the chatter he ignored was his teammates warning him to not do what he just did. </p><p>"Where---" </p><p>Bucky saw the wings above him scattering the air. He could almost swear he catched the stutter as Sam realized the fast falling ball was none other than Bucky, because immediately after The Falcon was diving into the sky, trying to get him. </p><p>Barnes found himself at ease. Which should tell you a lot about him. A piece of metal hit him hard, making him lose sight from the wings for a second, his mind slipping and…</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>"Bucky!!" Scream Steve, giggling as Bucky pushed him off the rock. </p><p>The sun was shining over their heads, a sweet breeze running against their skin in a hot afternoon upstate. It was Bucky’ idea to take some time off everything and enjoy his parents' country house. It took some bargaining with Steve but eventually he convinced his friend. So now they were wrestling each other at the edge of reasonable high rock, trying to push the other into the deep lake. </p><p>The blonde took a handful of Bucky's shirt, throwing them both off the small cliff and into the cold water. He let out his own protest as he felt the frozen pond swallowing them…</p><p> </p><p>"Bucky!" Steve said again, his voice older and desperate as he moved on the ledge of the train's broken metal "Hang on!"</p><p>He couldn't scream, he didn dare to. The only thing he was aware of was that his hands were freezing cold grabbing the metal bar. His feet dangling, as the wind forced him down. Steve was moving towards him, big blue eyes stared back, panic washing over his best friend's face as he screamed at him, fingertips reaching. So he moved towards them, listening clear as day how the metal screeched under his weight.  But the sound of metal snapping was louder than any of his friend's crys, the bar giving up pierced his ears like screams. </p><p>"Grab my hand!" </p><p>And then it broke, the shrieked left his throat on its own life. He heard Steve screaming, and it should be distant but he felt it in every bone...</p><p> </p><p>"BUCKY!"  </p><p>Sam. </p><p>Sam was there.</p><p>Sam was screaming.</p><p>And he was falling. He tried to recover his mind, but the only thing he could make out was the ground getting closer and closer, and he knew...He knew he <em> should </em>be afraid but Sam was there so instead of panicking he started laughing, because falling from high places seemed to be his thing. Not only two week ago he had jumped from a helicopter without a parachute. What an awful little quirk to have.</p><p>"You got it, Wilson" Barnes spoke softly closing his eyes, unsure if the earbud was gonna pick on it. </p><p>A hand finally grabbed him, then two arms, Bucky could feel Wilson's heavy breathing, his heart going so fast Barnes's hearing was picking up on it. The landing was better than he expected, they didn't roll into a ball of limbs or faceplated the dirt, Sam just touched land with the usual soft sound of wings clicking shut, retrieving to his back. </p><p>"Thanks, man" Said Barnes freshly, a smile still lingering on his face. The smirk was dropped as fast as his eyes met Sam's. </p><p>His teammate’s face was drained by fear, eyes wide open and pupils so dilated you could barely see the brown of the iris, his dark skin glimmery with sweat despite the snow that was falling around them and the beat of his heart escalating with every second. </p><p>If Bucky didn’t know any better he’ll guess Sam was about to have a heart attack.</p><p>“Hey, there” He looked Sam up and down trying to find any wounds that would trigger Sam’s panic “Are you hurt?” </p><p>Sam barely shook his head, letting go Bucky and kneeling down, hands buried deep on the snow. </p><p>“You two alright?” Asked Sharon, loud shotguns going off in the background. </p><p>“We are good” Replied Bucky, turning off the intel and kneeling next to Sam, the Falcon didn’t look any better than before. It only occurred then to Bucky that Wilson was, indeed, in a state of panic. Not that he understands why. Sam was usually more comfortable in the air than in the ground, even when being in the air required saving dumbasses from getting smash like bugs. </p><p>He could almost imagine Shuri, talking about ways to deal with sudden outburst of panic or anger. But Sam was stubborn, even if he was the best person Bucky knew in the mental health department, the man didn’t like to be cuddled in general and specifically he didn’t like Bucky being patronising. So instead he used the only resource that Sam could never seem to resist: ask for help.</p><p>“Man I’m sorry but I’m starting to get dizzy” He breathed in, closing his eyes and sitting down, feeling the cold snow filter in between his clothes. When he opened his eyes again Sam was staring back at him “Something hit me in the head” </p><p>“What?” Sam sounded disoriented but he visually shifted from panic to force professionalism, examining Bucky's face. “Did it hurted you?”</p><p>“No, but I remember something,” He talked slowly, listening to Sam’s heartbeat starting to slow down “You know... I didn’t really remember falling from the train… I recall them dragging me into the lab but not when I fell” </p><p>Sam nodded slowly, looking at the bullet wound in Bucky’s legs, he ripped his own cargos, fixing a tourniquet, to then study the stab wound with care “That’ll explain why you like jumping from planes so much” </p><p>“The plane was gonna explode I didn’t have much of a choice there, man” He tried to tease but he could still sense Wilson on edge, breathing too heavy and eyes distorted. “Hey, could you just sit down, just--” He twirl Sam in his place, forcing him to stay down, putting his back against his “I just need to feel grounded” </p><p>Sam didn’t reply; he just leaned against Bucky’s back, breathing the cold air in, his hands against the freezing ground brushing against the other’ avenger.</p><p>“You need to be more careful, Bucks” Whispered Sam a while after. Sharon had called in, the mission was done. Sam lied without hesitation and told her he was fixing Bucky’s wounds and that they would be there on a minute “You can’t just laugh as you fucking fall from the sky, dude. What if I didn’t catch you?”</p><p>“You always do”</p><p>“Bullshit” Snap Sam, one of his hands overlapping Bucky’s pushing it down against the snow. “Bullshit, Barnes. You wouldn’t be the first one I don’t get in time” </p><p>Sam leaned his head back, resting it on Bucky’s shoulder “I think I’m having a panic attack” </p><p>Bucky humm in agreement, “That’s okay, you just need to ground yourself” </p><p>Sam scoff, but he stay in place mimicking the other man’s breathing and after a while he chuckled again pushing himself off Bucky and turning around to face him “You keep surprising me, Barnes” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. These small town blues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> Sam made a point not to think about Riley when he was on a mission. If he was completely honest, he tried not to think about Riley, period. But of course that was hard when you pair up with the one dude who jumped off planes like he was taking a stroll in the park. </p><p>Barnes was so reckless it was starting to get ridiculous. The man seem to have two moods: incredibly smart or insanely dumb. No in betweens. So when Sam saw the piece of metal hitting Barnes right on the head as he fell from a ship he- single headly- just blew up, he was rightfully so; pissed. </p><p>Because Bucky was falling too fast. Because he couldn’t go any faster and if he didn’t catch him… </p><p>“BUCKY!” He wasn’t sure when he began screaming except his throat hurted and his eyes were hot.</p><p>And then Barnes started laughing, actually cracking up while diving into his dead. </p><p>“You got this, Sam” </p><p>Wilson almost stops, almost presses down into the comandos on his wrist out of pure shock. Because Riley said the same, didn’t he? And then he crashed against the hard dessert, getting disfigured beyond recognition. He needed to remind himself Bucky was not like Riley, he is a superhuman so… <em> So maybe he would just break his spine like Rhodey </em>. The thought pierce his head, making his chest twist. </p><p> </p><p>It was way after Bucky sneaky comfort's tactics, while they walked in the snow towards Sharon's ship, that he looked back at Barnes. The blue eyes focus on his path, nose and cheeks red, a few inches shorter than Sam. So strikingly different to Riley. It was an odd comparision to make, but he couldn’t help but do so. Riley was all stability and soundness. Meanwhile Bucky was unpredictable, sometimes cocky and playful and others shy and sharp, pushing Sam away with everything he had in him. Some days Bucky looked ready to chew someone’s head off, and the next he made Sam breakfast or bought him a book. </p><p>And in all that; they worked well together. </p><p>“Stop staring I already swore I would stop the jumping from planes” Groan Bucky eventually, glaring at him.</p><p>“I was not staring” Mumbled Sam, looking away a little bit annoyed.</p><p>“You were”</p><p>“No I was not”</p><p>“You can’t deny something I literally catch you doing” Argued Barnes, blue eyes  dark and expression obfuscated  </p><p>“Yes I can, because you are old and now you are imagining things” </p><p>“What the hell does my age have to do with <em> that </em>!"</p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Call me old one more time, Wilson” Said Bucky, eyes flaming and smirk sharper than ever. </p><p>“I’m terrified. Are you gonna teach me how you did things back in the old days” Teased Wilson, taking a box out of Barnes' hands. </p><p>“You two are tiring to just be around” Cried out Sarah, she had a few bags with things they didn’t really own and were considered ‘basic necessities’. Sam didn’t have the heart to tell his sister Bucky could probably survive with a spoon and half towel. </p><p>“Me?” Said Sam being over dramatic “He is the one in denial over his own age”</p><p>“Don’t listen to him, Bucky, he's just jealous because you look younger” This time it was Cece the one with the snarky commentary towards Sam. </p><p>“My own family” Grumbled Sam, putting a few boxes down, pushing Bucky as he past by him “Come on, youngster we need to get the couch” </p><p>“You mean I’m gonna get the couch and you are gonna complain while I do it?” </p><p>They were moving in together. Why? Or how the hell did that happen? Sam was not sure. It seemed natural. Living on the compound was a disaster waiting to happen. Bucky was jumpy around other people and Sam had enough of Quill’s eating habits. And of course there was the tree, Groot, who was nice but creeped the living hell out of Sam. So when he started looking for places to live in the area near the avenger compound he asked Bucky if he wanted in. They ended up settling for a nice place, only half an hour away from the compound. Had Sam I’m From Harlem My Dream City Is Washington Wilson ever expected to live in suburbian house in fucking Ithaca? No. Did he like it? Weirdly enough, he loved it. The house was tiny but felt homie. Blue walls and a tiny porge. The whole nine yards. </p><p>“We are not having a blue suburban” Sentence Bucky when they found it in the first place. </p><p>“We are not descarting a perfect good place because you don’t like the colour” </p><p>“You are right, we can paint it later” Said Bucky, his eyes flickering with a plan “I always heard about HOAs, pissing them off sounds fun” </p><p>The antagonization of their poor neighbors began quiet quickly as Bucky had already bought the brightest shade of yellow there could possibly exist. </p><p>But besides Bucky’s sudden vendetta against HOAs, things were good. Sam’s mum and his sister had decided to move to town, feeling like Harlem was not the same without Gideon. It was odd how many people had dropped the big cities, too hunted by the memories of those who disappear. Or the snap in itself. People in New York went from walking around time square to not only dissolving into dust but watching a bunch of others do the same. Not a place you wanted to stay in. </p><p>That night Darlene passed by, making them dinner and lecturing them about how to buy more pans. Bucky adapted well to his family, he was extremely polite with Darlene, let Cece victimize his hair, and Sarah just liked how the man seemed to get on Sam's nerves. Even after his family left, letting to their own to do the dishes- with Sam huffling because Barnes didn’t seem to know how to dry a fucking plate properly- Bucky had a small smile in the corner of his mouth.</p><p>“What?”  Sam asked eventually, putting down the rug and looking at Bucky angrily. </p><p>“You just remind me of my mum” Replied Bucky, moving towards the almost empty fridge, taking two beers out and opening one with his canine. </p><p>“I doubt I have much in common with a white woman from the 40’” Sam meant to sound mad but everytime Barnes spoke about his past he couldn’t help but be a notch too excited. “I thought you didn’t remember her” </p><p>“I didn’t” Accepted Bucky, moving to the back door. They sat down in the small porge, the spring air brushing in between them, both of them contemplating  their patio that was  surely gonna become a pain in the ass to keep decent. “Things keep coming back, I don’t know what it is.” </p><p>“So, what do Mrs.Barnes and I have in common?” Sam asked, cocking his head to get a better view of Bucky’s concentrated frown. </p><p>“Her name was Winifred” The man spoke mindlessly, blue eyes glued to his hands. Sam was so used to reading Barnes body language he  was starting to become strangely fond of that particular face, when the soldier talk without much thought, letting the usual edge disappear for a bit “But she would murder you if you call her that. So I guess it was just Winnie. And you see, we had good money for a bit before the crisis, which meant my mum never really did anything around the house. But then of course everything went downhill, which forced her to do her own basic chores” Bucky chuckled, smiling at Sam with something childish “So whenever she had to do dinner or the dishes she would start huffing and puffing until someone asked what was wrong, which was always me because Becca had a better survival instinct, and <em> every single time </em> she would get pissed that I asked. It was a whole thing, she would talk my ear off until I started helping and then she would scream at me for helping. But after a while she always calmed down, you know? She would start telling me how to cock, and when we finished she alway told me that I needed to learn how to work around a kitchen. Not be like those men who didn’t know how to tie their own shoes… Which I guess was her way of telling me not to be like my dad...” </p><p>Sam digest the information. He did huff a lot. But more important the idea of a tiny Barnes helping his mum around the kitchen was painfully endearing. He could picture the little boy dressing with white shirts and dressing pants, covered in flavour, getting scolded by his mum but helping anyways. The blue eyes clean of the years of torture. Sam had to clear the not in his throat before speaking  “Well no wonder she scream at you, you don’t know what dry means” </p><p>Bucky rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his beer, pushing Sam a little bit “You see, you are also a control freak”</p><p>“And you are a smart ass” </p><hr/><p>“Shut it up, smart ass” </p><p>“You said that when I told you to bring a fucking jacket and now you are wearing mine, so why don’t you let me do that before you break the clip inside the lock?” Bucky didn't let Sam say anything else, instead he pushed him to a side to work in unlocking the house himself. </p><p>They were at Sam's old place in Washington. Funny enough nobody had broken into it. Barnes raised an eyebrow when he found out Sam owned the place.</p><p>"So you just have this random property laying around?" </p><p>Wilson shrugged, it wasn't like he had time to rent it. Too busy running around the globe.</p><p>"I was preoccupied looking for you sorry ass" </p><p>But of course after they settled in Ithaca Sam started missing his old stuff. Not the fancy things, but the little ones; books, pictures, old t-shirts, Riley's jacket, his dad's old journals, that one ceramic falcon that his mum had bought him, the old car toy he kept from when they were littles. </p><p>Nonetheless it wasn't him who decided to visit the old place, but Bucky that couldn't fathom why Wilson didn't tell him about it sooner. </p><p>So now they were breaking in. Bucky opened the door in seconds, giving Sam a meaningful look. 'Smug smartass', Wilson snicker at his own thoughts, not without smiling a little bit because a super spy looking proud of picking a lock was kinda amusing. </p><p>They walked in, Bucky getting paranoid and forcing Wilson to be a few steps behind him. The man simply rolled his eyes and did as he was told, he'd learned with time those little rituals helped Barnes more than any vocal reassurance that there was no Hydra agent behind their curtains. </p><p>Eventually Bucky relaxed, looking around the place with intrigue. The living room was pretty simple: white walls, mostly bare, a grey couch and a glass table. Barnes ignored all the latter and walked straight to the very cramp bookshelf, grabbing the small decorations and studying them. Then he was pulling books out, cleaning out the dust, putting them on top of the glass table. </p><p>"You read" commented Bucky, glaring back from an Audrey Lorde biography. </p><p>Sam chuckled, putting down a plastic bin filled with unmade cardboard boxes. Part of him expected to be thrown off by Bucky in his past space, but it was quite the opposite, it was just like being at their home in Ithaca. </p><p>Barnes was curious by nature and when they were alone he let that part of him slip out, almost by accident. So of course now half of his books were on the floor and Bucky was looking at one of Sam's yearbooks. </p><p>"Look at you" Snicker pouting at a younger Sam.</p><p>"Don't" Quickly replied the other, cringing at the photo, taking the yearbook out of his friends hands. </p><p>"You were cute" </p><p>"You are a dick" Grumbled Sam, his eyes following Bucks’ hands as he explored the huge pile of hardback copies and…</p><p>
  <em> Oh no. </em>
</p><p>Barnes raised an eyebrow looking at the 'Howling Commandos: A history of war and unity'. In Sam's defense it was from his dad's. Barnes didn't say anything, he simply brushed his fingers against the couple of note sticks. </p><p>
  <em> Oh no.  </em>
</p><p>Because Sam remembered when himself and Sarah would go through the books, and… </p><p>"Why there's a sticky note right in my picture?" Asked Bucky, head cocked to the side and eyes narrow "Didn't know you were a fan…" </p><p>Sam's neck and ears were starting to get really hot. Because he wasn't a fan, not really. But his sister- and himself- had decided that Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes was hot enough to deserve a sticky note covering half of the page. </p><p>"I mean I don't think we ever actually read the page so no, not really a fan" Said Sam without effort, because after all, that was not a lie "I don't even know were the book came from" </p><p>Bucky scoff, taking the sticky note out and staring at himself for a couple of minutes. Wilson bit down on his lower lip, wondering if the picture triggered anything. </p><p>"You good, man?" He put intent into his voice, being as soft as possible. </p><p>"Yeah, actually. I was just thinking that maybe I should chop my hair off" He looked up, smiling at Sam and taking a strand of his hair "But I think Cece would scream at me"</p><p>"Unless you let her do it" Offered the other with a smirk "You looked really good" </p><p>Barnes frowned, nose wrinkling as he close the book "Thanks, I guess" </p><p>"I didn't mean it like that…" </p><p>"Nah, you are right" Barnes stood up, walking towards the kitchen cabinets, grimacing at the sight of whatever was going on in there "Ugh, this is awful" </p><p>Sam wanted to say something more, but telling Bucky he was still hot seemed a bit inappropriate. So instead he got his hands to work. It took three days in total to clean the whole place, putting the things Sam wanted to keep in the back of his sister minivan. </p><p>Things were going great until Sam found Riley's jacket. The brown leather felt heavy and cold in his hands, lost. Wilson was vaguely aware of Bucky cleaning the garden in the background, because the man could be incredibly loud when he wanted to. </p><p>He just stayed there for a while, feeling the ground trembling and the sounds filling his space. The missiles flying next to him, breaking the wind and burning his skin. The world was all shades of orange and fire. Maybe it was because of all that heat that Bucky's metal hand felt colder than ever; he jerked, moving backwards and letting Barnes' hand fall off his shoulder.</p><p>"We talk about this, man" Groaned Wilson, trying to shake off the feeling of being creeped into. </p><p>Barnes grimaced at him, hurt flashing thru his eyes, as he put even more space between them. The man mumbled an apology before leaving him alone again.</p><p>"Shit"</p><p>Because the thing was; Barnes handled rejection just as bad as you could imagine. Every single time Sam would push the man away, not with snarky commentary or rude comebacks, but with fear and distrust, the other would completely shut down any kind of sensible communication. It could go on for days too.</p><p>One time, when they were caught up in the middle of a mission, Sam made the mistake of flinching when Bucky tried to clean someone else's blood from his friend's cheek. It wasn't even a proper flinch, just a slight movement out of surprise more than fear, but Bucky's hand froze immediately, his jaw set and his blue eyes losing life. It took three whole days for Barnes to behave normally. </p><p>Wilson didn't mind it. He knew Bucky struggled with himself, to trust his own mind and body around others. So naturally he understood when he shut down, when he pushed everyone away, distancing and compartalizing his own personality to become a colder less human version of himself. Sam really understood, he usually mustered the patience and let Bucky get back on his feet. But, if he was honest, he hated it. Six months had gone by since the snap, of which they only spent two days apart, slowly but surely becoming weirdly codependent on each other. So when Bucky treat him like any other avenger, pushing him away, giving him the colder side...He<em> fucking hated it </em>and in that moment with Riley's jacket between his hands... He couldn't handle that. </p><p>The Falcon found Bucky in the driveway, fixing boxes and making sure Sam's stuff was properly secure. Wilson moved without much thought, putting the jacket inside of the plastic bags full of old clothes, turning to Bucky as he tugged the leather down. </p><p>"You know…" He started, feeling his mouth dried, trying to find the words to express his tangle up emotions "I really appreciate all you do for me"</p><p>Barnes rough expression didn't smooth in, he simply nodded, pushing a box filled with books to the back of the trunk. The pink nose wrinkled a little bit, the way it did when Sam was bullshiting him. </p><p>"Don't be rude I'm talking to you" He tried to put some teasing to his voice but it came out harsh and needy. Bucky apparently caught this because he stopped working, squinting his eyes and looking irritated "I'm trying to be nice here, Barnes, don't look at me like that. I--I don't know how to make you understand that I trust you"  </p><p>Bucky's face was as blank as before, the usually pink cheeks now without colour. </p><p>"Am I supposed to thank you?" The question was raw, edgier than normal. </p><p>"Well, if you weren't a dick you would tell me you trust me too or some nice shit like that" Argued Sam, rolling his eyes before putting a hand on top of Bucky's own. Then he took a second, repeating his word with intention. "I trust you"</p><p>The wired glare retrieved slowly, nonetheless the soldier moved away, only smiling over his shoulder once he was almost at the house door. </p><p>"You shouldn't," He replied, with a wicked grin "but I'm not gonna try reason with you" </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>It was already midnight when they were done. The summer was striking harder than ever and they both were sweaty and hungry, which led to  Bucky buying indian food that they ate on the floor of the now completely empty place. </p><p>"Why would you leave all of this?" Asked Bucky, suddenly, head leaned back while taking a sip of his soda. </p><p>Wilson frowned, feeling slightly annoyed. "I don't know, Bucks, because we already have a whole house somewhere else" </p><p>Bucky chuckled, eyes glittered with something mischievous "I meant before, when Steve asked you to help him. I mean you were pretty settle," The blue eyes looked over to the crystal door that lead to the patio "you had a nice place, a job...Seems like a lot to give away for a stranger in ties" </p><p>Sam snorted, chewing his food slowly. Bucky was not wrong, when he helped Steve he abandoned much more than a house and good job. He used to have a normal life, work friends, a girl he was dating and was overall great, a health insurance, a balanced diet even. The problem was, none of that was what he wanted. </p><p>"You know I joined the air force mainly to afford college," Sam said, putting down his food and "I always wanted to do social work. But we were three siblings and college is expensive so… It made sense at the time, I guess. Then I met Riley, I told you about him, and we got our wings and man...I love it, but mainly I love him" </p><p>Barnes squinted his eyes, tilting his head a little bit, taking in the information. Sam looked down, overtaken by his own words. </p><p>"Whatever, the point is, I spent more time than I originally planned to. We weren't you know...Things were different back then," Sam stop and snorted, looking back at Bucky with his face light up "Of course you probably know that, you serve in the fucking 40'. But I was just waiting it out, letting Riley live the full experience, you know, and in the mid time we were doing good things; pararescue was great. And the wings, man, the wings were worth it most of the time. But… Bu--t-But then Riley die" </p><p>Wilson took a swing of his own drink, feeling the sweetness dragged down his tied up throat "I was a mess. They discharged me soon after and when I came back home...All the things that I wanted for myself, going to college, helping people--Without him they felt…Useless. The funniest part is Riley wanted something completely different, you know? So the only thing that I could think of was everything he didn't get to do, so I started doing the things he talked about. I bought a house, a car, started working at the VA, counseling… This," Sam pointed at his entire place "is all things he wanted. Not me." </p><p>"And you wanted to run around helping Captain America?" Replied the other, a grin appearing at the corner of his mouth. </p><p>Sam licked his lips, doing everything in his power not to roll his eyes "For one I spend more time running around you than Steve. But, yeah man. Steve, he was a second chance at a life I never even dream of having. It was the perfect mix, you know? I get to have my wings, to fly and fight like I did with Riley. But I also got to help people, to do the right thing for me. For others" </p><p>Barnes was listening carefully, the brown strands of hair falling onto his face. </p><p>"You are so good is annoying" Let out eventually his friend, letting himself fell against the wooden floor "Good on Stevie for finding you then" </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I want to go and play hide and seek</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky kept the book of the Howling Commandos, which- naturally- led into one of the nastiest flashbacks he experienced. </p><p>Once they were back from Washington it took them a while to unbox all the books and random stuff, but after a couple of weeks of heavy work they eventually came around on doing so. It was a late afternoon, free for once in a while, they finished up the piles of books, bickering with each other just for the sake of it. Eventually the hard cover resurfaced from the bottom of a plastic bin, the soldier felt oddly attracted by the old book. It was later in the night when he took it outside and started reading it. It was strange, the memories and information clashed with his own restrained mind. Some things sound right, like Steve hating touring like a dancing monkey, some were awfully incorrect like himself being a school prodigy; he was, actually, a drop out. </p><p>Nonetheless he was doing fairly okay until he reached Stark's page. There was a picture of Howard working on something, sparks were flying around him and the man carried a darange smile and Bucky's body suddenly felt lighter, his eyes patching black as he lost touch with his own body…</p><p> </p><p>"Dude!" He shot out, grabbing the man by the shirt and pulling him backwards just seconds before the huge machine- clearly smoking- blew up right where the man's head just was. </p><p>The other scattered, a hand grabbing Bucky's shirt to balance himself "Jesus fucking christ" Choked out the tech boy, to then let out a breathless laugh, the most honest Barnes had heard since joining the army.</p><p>
  <em> What the hell.  </em>
</p><p>"What the hell!?" </p><p>Bucky stared at the clearly crazy engineer, completely baffled by the lack of survival insitics. </p><p>"Thank you, buddy," Said finally the other dude, his honey eyes glittering with something so alive it made Barnes dizzy for a moment, he offered his hand, a polite smile appearing "Stark"</p><p>It took a minute for Barnes to place the name with face. He knew about Stark, hell the last thing he did before leaving New York was go see the man crash a car. But this person looked a whole different from the tied up, smug, rich boy that presented the flying vehicle. The guy in front of him was covered in sweat, oil, and ashes, the brown curls were visually dirty and the white shirt was completely covered in different types of stains. </p><p>"Barnes," Replied the other, doubting for a second and then stretching the engineer's hand "James Barnes...Want to explain why did you put your face in front of---Whatever that is?" </p><p>Stark looked back at his invention, now smoking and flying up sparks. He snapped his tongue, cocking his head to a side, clearly saddened by the results. </p><p>"I mean, it was not meant to do <em> that </em>right now" Said the man with sorrow, he then shrugged and put on some thick gloves ready to grabbed the thing still on flames "Give me a hand here, Barnes" </p><p>Bucky was taken aback for a second, terrified to touch anything the man was responsible for building. </p><p>"Come on, don't be shy"</p><p>"I'm not shy, I just don't touch things on fire" Grumbled Bucky, moving closer to Howard who nodded softly while grabbing some tools and putting them on James's open arms.</p><p>"Then don't be a coward" Corrected himself Stark, mindlessly. </p><p>"It's basic safety" Groan Bucky, rearranging the heavy element that Howard kept on putting on top of him. </p><p>"Mmh, nothing amazing ever came out of safety" Said the other, moving around the piece of scrap and taking something blue and shiny out of it. </p><p>"What it's that?" Said Bucky, closing his eyes at the bright piece of metal. </p><p>"That's vibranium" Murmured Stark, twisting it around with a pair of tweezers "I've been trying to mold it. Not easy having in mind this is the strongest element on earth…"</p><p>"So you were trying to blow it up?" Snicker Barnes, with a grin.</p><p>Howard shrugged again "Yes, but I needed more power to do so. That was too weak…" </p><p>Stark started working again, explaining the element to Barnes without much thought. Bucky, who had dropped out of school, got red everytime he needed to ask something that was probably basic knowledge, to his surprise Howard didn't relish in the other's ignorance; he listened to the questions carefully and answered with the same attention. It was past midnight when they were done, Barnes who had just spent his only free afternoon with a stranger that talked about things that he could only dream of, surprisingly didn't feel annoyed in the slightest. If anything he was weirdly excited when Stark offered him a drink and started talking about another project… </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Barnes saving Stark became a thing for them. This did not speak highly of Bucky but rather poorly of Howard who just seemed eager to get killed. </p><p>The second time it was almost coincidental. Barnes was walking by when he heard the rustling, he moved quietly, looking around the corner when he saw the scene. Howard was standing against his desk, hands up in the air as he looked tense and wired. </p><p>"I already told you, I do not have the serum…" The engineer spoke slowly, the words leaving his mouths were velvety, almost as he was instructing the stranger. </p><p>"Stop fucking lying Stark or would blow your brains out!" The woman's words were hushed, fury coating them. Barnes vaguely remembered her, she was working near Stark's station. </p><p>The soldier didn't hesitate, his feet flying and his movements silent and fast, hitting the girl in the back of the head, her gun dropping to the floor and shooting itself. Bucky eyes catch on a small box in her right hand, reaching for it before she could…</p><p>"Don't let her touch that bottom!" Cry out Howard moving forward.</p><p>Barnes was thankful he had fast hands, he grabbed it, pushing the woman against Stark. </p><p>A few people rushed in afterwards, and to Bucky's misery the little box was an actual explosive. Howard himself deactivated, with Barnes at his side.</p><p>"This is the second time I save you from blowing into pieces" Whispered the man at the scientist ear a while later. Howard grinned at him, making himself smaller at the contact. </p><p>"And I thank you very much for it" </p><p>They share a look, the honey eyes sharp and smart, Barnes felt his stomach twisting at the closeness. </p><p> </p><p>"Howard!" Bucky panicked, running towards the man and pushing him to the ground in the exact moment a lost missile flew over them. Bucky crawled over the other man's body, tugging him against the floor. The sound of crash and landing was the only reason Bucky dared to move away, they were doing test runs of new weapons and the only person dumb enough to just walk right in front of them was, of course, Howard Stark. 'Fucking sleep deprived moron'. </p><p>Bucky moved away, forcing Howard to face him just to glare at the man. </p><p>"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Asked Bucky, squinting his eyes trying to control the urge to choke the other guy. </p><p>Stark smile sheeply at him, his cheeks fiercely red "I think I need some sleep"</p><p>"You think?" Barnes grabbed the engineer by the arm pushing him to his feet and dragging him to his quarters "You keep it up like that, Stark, and I'm gonna stop trying to save your ass" </p><p>Howard snorted, giving Bucky smug smile "I'm a essential asset to won this war, Barnsies, you are legally required to keep me alive" </p><p>The two of them have gotten very close as the months went by, Stark forced Bucky to help him, leaving the brunette to pass tools and ask questions while watching the other work. They drink together and spend free nights walking around the city, drunk out of their heads. </p><p>It was a weird choice in the friendship department, more so for Bucky, who always seemed taken aback by how freely Howard used his money and how careless he was with his clothes. </p><p>Right now, Howard was covered in dirt and something black and slimy, Bucky forced him down on the bed. Rummaging around his friend's clothes until he found something wearable. </p><p>"When was the last time you slept?" He asked, helping Stark to get out of his dirty clothes and shoving the clean ones on him. </p><p>"What day is it?" Wondered the other, closing his eyes as Barnes took his shoes off "I think it was Monday??" </p><p>"So four days, then" Chuckled Barnes, throwing a blanket on top of him "You can't do that, pal, you are an asset remember?" </p><p>Howard eyes flash opened, teeth bare into a cynic smile "Thought you didn't care about that"</p><p>"I don't" Assured him Bucky, crouching down next to his friend's bed "But I don't want you dead either, so get some sleep?" </p><p>"Mmh" Replied the man, honey eyes softening and closing slowly "You are getting soft on me, Barnsies" </p><p>And he was. Which was an issue, because Bucky had crafted himself not to feel this way, not to let himself…</p><p> </p><p>"Bucks?" Someone shook him softly, grabbing him by both shoulders, his face drawn in worry "You with me?" </p><p>Bucky jumped to his feet, letting the book fall to the ground and shoving the stranger away. His heart was racing and his chest was covered in piercing sharp pains. He was outside, a man staring at him; eyes wired and shoulders sinked. </p><p>"Bucks it's me" The sternes in his voice brought him back slowly to his feet. </p><p>Bucky let out a sharp breath, putting more space in between them, so much so he collapsed against a small window, letting a pot of african daisies fall and crash into the floor. It took him second to adapt to the dim lighting, taking in the face of the dude standing in front of him. The man's features were sweet even under the thick layers of concern, the tall cheekbones and long eyelashes were enchanting, grounding. </p><p>"Sam, I'm Sam remember?" </p><p>Sam, the dude with wings, the one who wouldn't even move his seat for Bucky, Steve friend--No. No it wasn't just Steve friend, was he? Sam was his too. Things were different with Wilson. He trusted him, he--- A piercing pain drill at the side of his head, as Howard's voice lingered at the back of the soldier’s mind 'you are getting soft on me'. Stark was right, but his vulnerability was nothing in comparison to how close he let Sam. He fucked up, this was all a mistake, because he was not made for softness. He was build to hurted other, and he did so, he hurted Stark, he--- </p><p>"Come on, I got you man" Assured Wilson, smiling kindly, attempting to move towards Barnes. </p><p>"Don't" His voice was charged with rage "Don't fucking touch me" </p><p>"I won't, man" Promised  Sam, putting his hand down "I just want to…" </p><p>Bucky moved with enough agility and speed Wilson didn't even get time to flinch, he pushed the avenger to the side, moving to the garden and rounding the house with steady steps. He didn't stop.</p><p>"Bucky!" Called Sam, still stabilizing his stand against the wooden reel, quickly composing himself, running behind his friend “Dude, stop, please”</p><p>The night sky looked back at him, the stars barely visible as he stopped dead on his tracks. Probably because that was the first time Wilson said ‘please’ in a way that wasn’t snarky or playful, the man felt his thoughts settled “Sam, I remembered Howard” </p><p>The other avenger didn’t miss a beat, he kept on walking until they were face to face, Wilson thoughtful eyes, clearly schooling his reaction “That wasn’t you...” </p><p>“No, no, you don't understand” The words were rushed, cutting the other off “I remember when we were friends, so do yourself a favour and stay away now” </p><p>Wilson, who seemed to be a stranger to good judgment, put both of his hands on Barne’s chest “No”</p><p>“Wilson, move the hell away” Warn him Barnes, blue eyes flaming with reprimand. </p><p>Sam didn’t even react, he simply moved his hands from the other’s chest to his arms, squeezing both like there was no difference between them, brushing his thumbs against the pale skin and black metal, and when he spoke he did so calmly “No.” </p><p>He could easily moved Wilson away, he could pushed him, knock him out, restrain him, but instead he breath in carefully, setting his gaze upon his friend brown eyes, filled with determination “Sometimes,” He started saying “you annoy the living hell out of me” </p><p>Wilson distress withdraw as he kept their eyes lock “Good” </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. On the village green</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam was starting to give up with things going back to normal. There was something unsettling about the way Howard Stark as a whole seemed to affect his housemate. All the small cheerful habits Bucky used to have started  slowly but surely vanishing, he became wary even of Sam, talking only when necessary. Lucky for The Falcon, who was taking the distance and the coldness pretty personally, something bizarre enough happened to break through the ice walls; they found the spider kid not only crying- curl into a ball inside a closet- but also bleeding out. </p><p>It occurred as they walked to the showers, grumbling about how shitty their mission went. </p><p>“Maybe if you talk to me…” Groaned Sam, storming in front of his friend. </p><p>“I thought I was clear with my instructions” </p><p>Wilson wanted to kill him. </p><p>“I don’t want instructions, Bucks, I want you to be yourself and cut the sh---” </p><p>“Shhh!” Bucky grabbed him by the armour, pushing Sam against him, leaning in to listen closely as he  brushed his mouth against Sam’s ear, mumbling the words with a hoarse tone “You heard that?” </p><p>Sam was not used to being this close, so it took him a second to stop thinking about the hot breath against his neck to pay attention to the sounds around him. </p><p>Someone was…. Whimpering?</p><p>“What the--” </p><p>Bucky’s hand dragged down from the shoulder armour  to Wilson’s hands, the sharp metal sliding against the gloves, entangling their hands and moving forward to a small closet. Later Sam would gather that the small gesture was accidental, too brief to bask on it. They quickly separated, getting one to each side of the door, gesturing to move to the count of three. When Bucky opened the door someone shrieked, jumping on their place, knocking a bunch of shit out the shelfs behind him. </p><p>“Don’t look!” Scream the kid, rushing to put the mask on, only to do so backwards.</p><p>“Kid?” Asked Sam, looking at Bucky who was just staring with a puzzled expression.</p><p>“I’m good, I’m good, I promise I was just, hmmh, you know taking a minute to…” He was desperately trying to put his mask right.</p><p>“Cry?” Offered Bucky, and then his face dropped “Please tell me that’s not your blood”</p><p>And shit you not, a huge pool of blood was right at the spider’s kid feet. </p><p>“What?! Nooo, no of course not, I’m just taking a breath, you know? Sometimes I have this crazy panic attacks and I need tiny spaces to like, breath it away” </p><p>“That’s definitely your blood” Simply said Bucky, moving closer, sotfly grabbing the boy by the fortharm “We are gonna take you to the infirmary, kiddo” </p><p>“No! You can’t, because they are gonna see my face and--” </p><p>“Okay then, don’t freak out” Bucky’s voice was strikingly calm, with something nonchalant that didn’t seem at random “Sam is a medic, he can help you, alright?” </p><p>“But hmmm,” The kid neck shot towards Wilson’s direction, he took a second before nodding slowly “okay” </p><p>They moved in sync, barging into an empty office and clearing a desk to lay the kid on top. Sam started working immediately, it was a whole ass bullet wound and he didn’t miss the horror in Bucky’s face as he realized it himself. </p><p>“Is it bad?” The boy's voice was weak as he jerked away as Sam rummaged around the room for a first aid kit. Eventually he found one, very empty but useful. </p><p>“I seen way worst” Answered Bucky, putting a hand on the superhero shoulder “And Sammy here has fixed way worst to so just calm down” </p><p>
  <em> Sammy.  </em>
</p><p>That was new. </p><p>“You good, but next time ask for help instead of, you know, bleed out” Replied Sam, threatening the wound. </p><p>The kid nodded, sniffling a little bit. To then start crying more openly. </p><p>“Sam, dude, be careful” Barnes snapped at him, frowning.</p><p>Wilson opened his mouth, indignated, because the spider boy had literally stopped one of Barnes punches and there was no way on earth a little bit of alcohol did much of anything to him. </p><p>“No, it’s not that, it’s just,” The voice came out huffled thru the still twisted mask “Since the snap no one really helped me before”</p><p>That was… Concerning. </p><p>“I mean, not that I need it. It 's fine. I’m fine. But apparently my aunt was not as organized as I thought she was, which is okay, because I can take care of myself,” The rambling was on, apparently “but you cannot even imagine how many documents you need to get into highschool? Like why do you need all these documents again?? We turned into dust not the documents, and also where the hell can someone put a birth certificate? It just seems like something important you know…”</p><p>“Kid” Bucky lowered himself, grabbing the other avenger by the shoulder “How old are you?” </p><hr/><p>It wasn't like they meant to adopt the spider kid. </p><p>Not that they could legally adopt a random 17 year old, but they did help him enroll back into highschool- Barnes didn’t say much about how he got all the documentation, and Wilson sometimes preferred not to ask certain questions. This led pretty naturally into Peter showing them his real identity- neither of them was very sure what the whole ‘man behind the mask’ was about, but hey they didn’t judge- which less naturally ended up in the kid moving out with them. </p><p>“I mean, we have the free room” Mumbled Bucky, they were doing the dishes side by side. Wilson was painfully aware of Bucky's body next to his, the way his hips brushed accidentally to Sam's side as he reached for the clean plates to dry them out, he was almost thankful of the muffled sound of Peter watching Breaking bad coming from the living room, if only so Barnes couldn't caught on the small hiccups he felt his heart giving out every time they touch. "And he's been practically living here already" </p><p>The kid had spent at least two week sleeping on their couch, so they both found it only logical to offer him a permanent room. </p><p>Funny enough, Wilson liked the kid. With time it became clear Peter balanced them. There was something about the juvenile, over energized energy that revived their usually calm space. Because the kid was loud. Like, 3am playing call of duty, 5am jumping off the roof, all day long rambling type of loud. Peter was also really smart, enough that most of the time Sam and Bucky shared looks of complete confusion as the boy tried to explain to them something about his advanced classes. Before they know it months went by and that just became their life. Sarah had made a comment, only once, about how bizarre it was that he had bought a house and essentially fostered a wayward super with Bucky. Sam shrugged it off, because it wasn’t like that…</p><p>Was it?</p><p>The truth of the matter was; Sam was grateful for Peter. Whatever Howard Stark's memory had lurked back into his friend was slowly losing grip in Barnes' general mood. The rough control behaviors were almost completely gone, at least towards The Falcon, being replaced with a friendly familiarity. Peter often teased them, how cozy they could mindlessly get around each other, their shoulders always set together, knees brushing. The kid found specially amusing the way they shared their food, Bucky stealing the pieces of vegetables Sam despite and Wilson hoarding all the olives out of anything they set their hands upon. </p><p>They worked well together.</p><p>“Do <em> you </em>understand what he’s saying?” Whispered Bucky, leaning in against Sam’s shoulder as Peter started rambling about the science of actual time travel. They just wanted to watch Back to the future. </p><p>“Nope” Cut him off Sam with a grin. </p><p>His friend chuckled, closing his eyes slowly and pressing his forehead against Sam’s temple for just a second before moving away. The gesture was new and seemed almost accidental, Sam didn't put much thought into it, starting to nod off with the movie playing in the background. </p><p>It just wasn’t like that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. You make me as though spring has sprung</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Barnes finally convinced Sam and Peter to help him paint the house. They both groaned and complained, but eventually gave up.<br/>“This is sigh hazzard” Mumbled Sam, his face covered in yellow droplets “The neighboors are gonna murder us.”<br/>“I like it,” Commented Peter, ubeat as alway “It’s like really happy”<br/>Bucky rolled his eyes, grinning at Sam and pushing the kid slightly as he passed by. He gave Sam a beer. The music was filling the air, as it always did because when it wasn’t the kid talking it was Sam blasting tunes. Bucky put up with it. And secretly, he liked it. Dancing in the moonlight traveled to his ears with the mix of suburbian noises which were mainly birds and random cars every 20 minutes. The soldier breathed in, letting the smell of synthetic paint fill his lungs. This was all new to him; they were close to a year after the snap and things were starting to settle, which incredibly enough turned out to be less work for the avengers because apparently turning into dust really changed people’s hearts. Or maybe they just had to deal with less morons. Either way, they were starting to have more days like this, just living.<br/>“What are you dreaming about?” Asked Sam, putting his brush against Barne’s cheek, letting a big yellow stain behind.<br/>Bucky raised an eyebrow, moving his own brush like a knife, leaving a big trail of yellow in Sam’s arm.<br/>“Hey, don’t start something you can’t finish” Grumbled the other.<br/>“Oh, you are on”<br/>After less than three minutes there were both covered with paint.<br/>Peter snicker at them from afar, putting the brush down carefully “I’m gonna get going now before you two get competitive”<br/>“Who would it guess that spiderman was a quitter?” Tease Bucky, while dodging Sam’s attack for just a second.<br/>“I did” Chain in Wilson, not being as quick and getting struck by yellow.<br/>“Just a daily reminder that I beat both of you when I was fifteen” Said Peter with ease, running inside the house before he could get the repercountions of his words.<br/>“Low blow” Said Barnes under his breath.<br/>“I don’t know what he's talking about” Replied Sam, cheeks and nose covered with yellow freckles, making his brown eyes stand out. 'Freaking beautiful', Bucky thought, not without immediately regretting it. Because that was completely out of place, so he looked away suddenly feeling less interested in playfully fighting.<br/>Instead he put down the utensils, dropping to the grass to admire his work. The house was not half done but it was looking good. Sam smiled at him from above, the black skin contrasting against the blue sky and the new colour of their house and the tree leafs that were slowly becoming orange as the Autumn got closer. It didn't help Barnes' case, because he did look good like that.<br/>More often than not- more so after the kid moved in, giving them a sense of normality- Barnes forgets himself, he forgets just how toxic he really is for people around him. The personification of bad news. It was worse with Sam, because he wanted to be normal around him. Domestic even.<br/>And now was definitely one of those moments so instead of wanting he closed his eyes, like that would save him from his already messed up thoughts. He leaned back, resting against the grass, mindlessly wondering what Steve would think about the colour he picked.<br/>"You are napping already grandpa?" Called him Sam, flopping next to him.<br/>He cocked his head to the side before unscrewing his eyes, not really eager to move from his sudden pool of regrets. And then his sight caught a glimpse of a tiny blue flower…</p><p>"This!" His father cut a chunk of tiny blue flowers, putting them in James hands "Your mother is gonna love this, you know why?"<br/>James shook his head, looking down at his tiny hands now filled with small electric blue petals.<br/>"Because they are the colour of her eyes, and that's the type of thing lady's want you to notice, you know?"<br/>James shook his head, attentive to his father's words, as if he was being told the biggest of secrets.<br/>"But why?"<br/>"Because that's what you do when you love someone"<br/>The man smiled down as his child, the brown hair made a mess of walking around the fields with his younger child. He even had a couple of pieces of grass hanging from it. The grown up scratched his bear while looking up into the horizon. They walked back to their country house, as his dad was telling Bucky how to guide oneself with the sun. When they finally got into the kitchen his mother gave them a wiry glare.<br/>"You are just in time for dinner" Announced her, taking something out the oven. She hated cocking.<br/>His father winked at him, pushing him forward, so he could be the one giving out the flowers.<br/>Becca walked right in the exact moment his mum picked them up, smiling brightly.<br/>"This is beautiful', sweety" She said, the bad mood vanishing.<br/>"They are weeds" Mock him Becca, pulling her tongue out when James frowned at her.<br/>"Yes, they are Rebecca" James father's voice was cheerful but stern. He picked one of the flowers out of his wife's hands, lowering himself slightly to get to his daughter's high "But they are also the prettiest colour in the entire world," He put the tiny weed in his daughter's ear "and they so happen to match both of you girls eyes"<br/>Becca wrinkled her nose but she didn't complain, fixing her braids and giving James a thoughtful look.<br/>"Bucky's eyes are also blue"<br/>Their mother snapped her tongue, while putting the flowers in a cup of water, not without picking another one and dropping it in Barnes shirt pocket.<br/>"Everyone gets a forget-me-not then…"</p><p> </p><p>Howard was wasted, he was dancing under the rain like it wasn't freaking freezing outside. The music was coming out of a bar they had just been kicked out of. The record sounded sweet and Sinatra occupied everything.<br/>Stark stumbled in the puddles, opening his arms, grabbing Bucky's hands and forcing him to twirl like a girl.<br/>"Come on, Barnsies, this is the best part" He cried out, seeing as his friend was not as enthusiastic as he was.<br/>"We are gonna freeze to death, Stark" Replied Barnes with a sneer, but he let the other pull him into the street. He didn't even complain when Stark grabbed him by the jaw, singing right on his face.<br/>"You and I are just like a couple of tots, running across a meadow, pickin' up lots of forget me nots!" The words came out horse, the honey eyes warming up Bucky enough he could almost forget he was soaking wet….</p><p>His mind went blank for a second, the forget-me-not getting in and out of focus as someone called for him.<br/>"What's wrong?" Sam was kneeling in front of him, eyes stormy out of concern.<br/>Barnes didn't feel as thrown off this time, he simply shook his head, reaching for the flower and picking it out.<br/>Sam chuckled, Bucky could hear his friend's heart slowing down as he realized Barnes was not spacing out.<br/>"Didn't have you for the flower type" Commented Sam, sitting down on the grass, yellow paint dripping from his hair.<br/>"It's a weed actually" Remembered Bucky, smiling warmly "I used to pick them for my mum, which I guess is kinda ironic"<br/>Wilson lean his head back, confusion taking over his face "I don't think you know what the word ironic means, Bucks"<br/>"Well, they are called Forget-me-nots, so…"<br/>The other open his mouth a little bit, letting a scoff out before dropping his head "Oh god"<br/>"I know" Laugh back Bucky, playing with the flower before moving without thinking. He put it in Sam's shirt pocket, just like his mum once did, only realizing that was something definitely weird to do when he looked back at his friend who was staring at him like he suddenly turned purple "What? Is not like my memory is very reliable, you gotta keep the Forget-me-nots, Wilson"<br/>"Nah, you gotta remember me, dude" Sam started talking, snapping his tongue after second like he thought it thru "But you know what? I'll keep it just in case"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Keep that breathless charm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The kid graduated early, which translated into the biggest freak out the spider boy ever had because college was still a thing even if half of the world died.  </p><p>"Another one" Called Bucky, as he entered the house, he show the letter to Sam who grin in response "None of this are slim, man" </p><p>So far, Peter had been accepted by every school he tried except for…</p><p>"It's it Caltech?"  The kid basically rolled down the stairs, his face red and his hair a mess from sleeping in. </p><p>"No, buddy" Replied Barnes with an apologetic smile "I mean it's Yale tho…"</p><p>"Ughh" cried Peter, running back upstairs. </p><p>Sam scoff, looking back at Barnes that was flabbergasted, letter still in hand "Isn't Yale a big deal?"  </p><p>"Yep" </p><p>Barnes sighed, dropping the envelope on the pile of letters that was growing bigger with each day. </p><p>"We need to get him out of the house" Bucky mumbled, taking the cup right off Sam's hands and sipping on his orange juice "How do you feel about a hike?"</p><hr/><p>Sam fucking hate it hiking. He hated it. Running? He can get behind that. That was training, you had a goal, you achieve it, boom bang you were showering. Hiking? That was hell. More so in fucking Ithaca with a mutant kid and a super soldier. </p><p>Peter managed to get his head out of the college-gutter and joined them to check out a national park. The problem was; the guy actually liked nature. </p><p>"I mean I never get to see things like this in Queens, you know?" Explained the kid to Bucky, that smiled agreeing with him. </p><p>They were a few feet in front of him, so Wilson took the moment to sit down, breathing the cold air of a rather warm February. Good god, those fuckers were fast. Bucky wasn't even tired, the smug bastard was laughing and chatting calmly, even the brown hair that was usually a mess was now tigh into a bon. The man was looking better lately, even with the flashbacks that seemed to keep on coming, most of them in the middle of the night. Wilson wished he could help, do something to avoid his friend from being overwhelmed with years of turture and murdered. It must be exhausting, waking up everyday with a new memorie of something terrible that happened to you 50 years ago. But Bucky seemed to think it was worth it as long as he started remembering his family, Steve, his brothers in arms and- Sam suspected- Stark. The last one was unsettling.</p><p>Either way, Bucky was looking good. His eyes were always glimmering, more prone to smiling. Sam was about to stand up when he saw the tiny flowers. 'Weeds', corrected himself. Forget me nots, was what Bucky called them while putting one on Sam's pocket shirt with the same ease he did everything else. He picked a couple of them, trying to ignore that this- in fact- was kinda weird. The electric blue was strikingly similar to Barnes eyes, he noticed. </p><p>"What are you doing now?" Called Barnes from afar, patting the kid in the shoulder in a sign that he could go on. </p><p>Sam rolled his eyes, walking towards the man, not without a couple of huffles at the uneven trail. Bucky was already laughing at him, but  the playfulness withdrew as Sam got closer, a hand filled of flowers stretching in his direction. </p><p>Bucky physically stuttered, his eyes wiry as he stared at the weeds. </p><p>"For you flower boy" Teased the falcon suddenly feeling insecure on his impulses. </p><p>Bucky took the flowers, and...Well, Sam was too focused on how well the blue match to register anything else. </p><p>"Look at you, actually listening to me" Said the soldier, cheeks slightly pink- which could easily be because of the cold, Sam reminded himself. </p><p>"Yeah, that's my mistake" Snap back the other, pursing his lips "Because this hike is hell, Bucks, hell" </p><p>"Look who's the old man after all" </p><p>"It's basically cheating you know? You are freaking super soldier" </p><p>Bucky snorted, still holding the flowers tenderly, they kept on walking, with the banter in between them and a couple of weeds at hand…. </p><hr/><p>Bucky fell asleep next to him. He vaguely remembered those internet posts about people not wanting to move when their cats fell asleep on their laps, this was weirdly similar. Because Barnes never falls asleep like that, they've been at each other's side for more than a year and this was the very first time Bucky simply nodded off, slightly leaning in against his friend's side. Wilson understood the logic behind Bucky's light sleep, he was always hyper aware of their surroundings, which was fine but left the man clearly restless. So now, with Bucky breathing softly against his shoulder as he slowly drifted into his chest, Wilson realized would rather spend the rest of his days with his arm properly asleep, filled with painful pangs, than move. </p><p>Of course Peter had a different idea, the kid walked inside the house basically screaming. </p><p>"I got in!" </p><p>Barnes woke up, startled, jumping away from Sam and glaring at him, before standing up still sleepy walking towards Peter that basically tackled him into a hug. Barnes snorted, patting the kid in the back. </p><p>"That's amazing, Peter" </p><p>Sam stood up, messing with the kid's hair and grinning, feeling oddly proud "Hell yeah, you did"</p><p>"I need to tell MJ!" He exclaimed, rushing upstairs, not before stopping a second, looking back at them "Can we order thai?"</p><hr/><p>Turns out; freaking out about getting into Caltech was only oubeat by freaking out about <em> actually </em> getting into Caltech. Peter was all over the place, talking about classes, teachers, names, numbers and… And then he went awfully quiet. </p><p>"Pete?" Bucky, that was just making eggs for the three of them stopped, looking at the suddenly silent man. </p><p>"I can't go to Caltech" </p><p>Sam, who was drinking his coffee peacefully, choked on it, eyes wide open "Go again?"</p><p>"I'm an avenger" Explained the boy, closing his eyes with force "I can't just leave to California" </p><p>"Yes you can" Stopped him Bucky, jaw clench and eyes flaming "Of course you can, Peter. This is your life, you heard me? Being an avenger is important but living is what you deserve" </p><p>Peter shook his head, frowning deeply "I can't, Mr.Stark…"</p><p>"Tony would kill you, me and Bucky while at it, if he found out you are saying this" Added Sam "He had like ten Phd's, Peter, if anyone would be okay with you taking a few years to nerd up is Tony" </p><p>"But I can't just stop being spider man" The voice was weak but desperate "I owe people…"</p><p>"You don't owe no one nothing" Replied Bucky, the electric blue piercing against Peter. </p><p>The kid chew down on his lips, looking wary "But I can't just stop being it...Is who I am" </p><p>"But you also don't need to stop being spider man" Sam talk before he could think "Hell, god knows California needs the avengers more than most States" </p><p>"But is just me...I don't even remember how to work alone" The kid let out a groan, hitting his forehead against the table "I can't believe I'm not going to Caltech" </p><p>Sam and Bucky shared a look, both of them desperately trying to pull the kid back to his previous euphoria. Barnes cocked his head a little bit, the blue eyes shimming with something wicked, and even before he spoke Wilson knew what his friend was about to say. </p><p>"You don't have to do it alone"</p><hr/><p>Fury called them 'The new avengers'. Hill called them 'The sunny avengers'. Sam was not particularly a fan of either of those names. They moved to California not without some sadness, leaving behind their yellow house also meant leaving behind his family. </p><p>Cece pouted and Darlene screamed at him. Eventually he promised he would visit once a week, afterall he was gonna have quinjets at hand. Bucky seemed weirdly enthusiastic about it, enough that Wilson ended asking why.</p><p>"I don't know… The avengers always felt off without Steve" Confess his friend, with a grimace "This is more fitting" </p><p>It was only the three of them but Fury insisted that they stayed associated with the original avengers, if anything for legal reasons. They found some headquarters near the campus, the place was ridiculously expensive but, because of their new title, was totally covered by The Avengers™. </p><p>"Honestly, this is kinda cool" Whispered Bucky with a grin, staring at the huge modern looking house. </p><p>"I'm just grateful it is not yellow," Replied Sam, pushing his friend and moving past him, not without hitting him with the box. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Sam missed their old place. The compound was mainly theirs but it was also opened for people to come around and spend the night. Which led to weird situations like Bucky and Sam laying in their couch, both of them nodding off while trying to pay attention to 'The Lord of the rings'-movie that Sam forced them to watch-, to then being ambushed by Fury screaming about god knows what. </p><p>"For the love of--" Bucky snap, putting a protective arm around Sam, purely out of fear "Fury!" </p><p>"Tik tok, there's work to do, let's go" Called the man without paying attention to them. </p><p>Or, for example Quill running inside the house while they had dinner, covered in green guts. </p><p>Or, Strange appearing out of nowhere and fainting on top of the kid while he trained in the garden. </p><p>Or, everyone spending the night there because they <em> had </em>to ambush an alien group that was based in Cali. Barnes adapted well with the situation, almost unbothered, keeping his routine almost untouched, working when it was demanded and relaxing when the mission was done. The only time he seemed to notice the difference was when Sam himself was starting to get wired up, and then he would simply put a hand on Sam's back, brushing his fingers softly for just a couple of seconds, winking at him or making a face. </p><p>It was definitely weird how well Bucky could read his body language and how easy he helped him smooth out his nerves. </p><p>It was also kinda concerning. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Sometimes I feel like a sad song</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky kept having flashbacks of the 40'. Sometimes it was just war, some other it was Steve, being flashy in his new suit, saving him from red skull, getting flustered at anything Peggy said or did. </p><p>They went to the beach for the 4 of July, the kid bailed on them, going to see his girlfriend. So when the fireworks started and the captain america tune played in the background it was just Bucky and Sam to laugh at it. They were almost rolling, tears in their eyes as a version sung by Steve himself rang through the night. </p><p>"Oh my God" said Sam, choking with laughter "Motherfucker can't sing" </p><p>"Stevie, man" Bucky felt his heart hurting. He missed his friend more than he liked to admit, and the more he remembered, the more it hurted. He clear his throat, taking a sip of his beer and grinning at Sam before looking back at the sea "I miss him" </p><p>"Me too" Replied Sam without missing a beat "What do you think he is doing?" </p><p>"Being noble and shit" Teased Barnes, raising his beer, Sam raise his own to clash the cans together, a tentative smile over his lips "Whatever he's doing, hope he's okay" </p><p>"Kickin' some ass" Added Sam. </p><p>The stayed until 2am just laying in the sand, trading stories about Steve and how dumb he could really be. They burnt thru all their alcohol, eating shitty vegetarian food and bad candy. Eventually they fell silent, hands barely brushing, as the waves crashed against the cost. </p><p>"Hey," Let out Sam, rolling to his stomach and propping himself on his elbows, basking his face between his hands "I'm glad we got stuck together" </p><p>Barnes was suddenly fighting the urge to move closer, to seek something <em> he </em> didn't deserve, because Sam looked so nice under the moonlight, he was so smart, and fucking brave. And Bucky shouldn't have drank that fucking asgardian ale, because now the world lack edge and Sam was good, so good for him and for the world. Wilson was the embodiment of potential, for him, for everything. <em> He was so good. </em> But Bucky's wasn't. He didn't deserve any of that. Sam was the one who got stuck, not him, James just got lucky. 'So damn lucky', he thought as Sam leaned in a little bit…</p><p> </p><p>Howard was definitely too close. They were chatting about life just a second before. Howard was telling him about the future he dreamt of, one where his inventions were no longer weapons and the world no longer needed to be at war. </p><p>"So what do you want when all of this is over?" Interrogated Stark, a wonderful smile brightened his face, eyes glittering with interest "Study, maybe? Get married? Have some kids?" </p><p>Normally he would lie, he would bullshit his way out of the uncomfortable questions 'yes of course I'm gonna get married as soon as I find the perfect girl' without mentioning that the perfect girl was, more likely than not, a dude. But tomorrow he was gonna jumped into the mouth of the red skull, following the dumb kid from Brooklyn, so maybe, just maybe, he didn't needed to lie this once. </p><p>"I can't do that" His voice was weak, coated by the desire of lives he wished but could never have.</p><p>"Well, maybe not now but eventually" Stark said without missing a beat, clearly not grasping the point.</p><p>"No, Stark, I <em> can't </em> marry" He looked to his side, eyes burning with tears "I don't like…"</p><p>"I understood, Barnsies, I know you don't do women" He said with a confused face "But maybe in a couple of years you can marry some hot shot soldier boy" </p><p>Bucky blink, flabbergasted, opening and closing his mouth "Pardon me?" </p><p>"Yeah, pal, weren't you paying attention? The world is gonna change" His words were strong, secure and powerful "So, maybe in a few years you can make me your best man--And before you say anything, I don't care Steve is your childhood friend; I'm richer and I can pay for the whole thing if it's what it takes to be the best man" </p><p>Barnes, try again, feeling his mouth dry "You joking?"</p><p>"No, I would literally put money---"</p><p>"Stark, I'm not talking about that" Bucky cut him off with a snort "You really think in the future--ehh--, all that is gonna happen?" </p><p>"I think much more is gonna happen" Said the other with care and patience "That's why I'm fighting this war, because I know the future can only be one where we all stand in equality… Where our children don't think themselves for anything but their achievements" </p><p>"I'm also not having kids" Bucky blurted out, feeling something twist inside of him.</p><p>"Why not? There's many ways to have children, Barnsies" The other shrugged "Trusted me on this one, okay?"</p><p>And then Howard leaned in, smiling sweetly at him. Too close for Bucky's burnt brain, too close for his heart to handle, too close for two men…</p><p>"Okay" Replied Bucky, clearing his throat and standings up too fast "I take your word"</p><p> </p><p>The next memorie was sharp, blurry and detached from the man's own thoughts. It was mechanical. He raced behind the car, his motorcycle purring under him. Two shots, and the car crashed against a tree. His wheel dripped on the dirt, as he got down, weapon still in hand. </p><p>A woman was screaming, trying to get down, opening her door and crawling towards him. The Winter Soldier grabbed her by the hair, putting the burning hot end of the gun against her forehead and pulling the trigger, the body hit the ground with a soft thud. </p><p>But the mission wasn't over. The target was still inside the car, so he moved toward it, opening the door and checking inside. </p><p>The man, his face covered in glass and blood, turned to him, a pair of honey eyes stared at him, widening, and then… Then, he smiled. </p><p>"You 'come to save me again?" Asked the target, dimples growing within his tender smile "Barnsi---"</p><p>The bullet striked right in between the man's eyes. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>"Hey, hey, come on now, it's just me" Sam's words were soft and claiming, holding Bucky's hands and smoothing out the the tension with his thumbs "Just me" </p><p>Bucky pushed him away, his heart racing and his body going into shock. Howard smiled at him. He smiled. He-- he--</p><p>"No, no" Sam stand up, stumbling in the sand, hand facing upwards "No, man, don't freak out, we are at the beach, it's fourth of July, Steve's birthday, I'm Sam and you can trust me" </p><p>"You are not the problem, Wilson" Snap Bucky, pulling at his hair. </p><p>"Okay, okay, listen to me before those gears of yours break themselves" Sam talked with ease "Anything that happened, you can stop and talk. You can talk to me Bucky, you can always talk to me" </p><p>Stop. Talk.</p><p>Breath. </p><p>Stop.</p><p>Breath.</p><p>Talk.</p><p>"I killed Howard" Explained Bucky, breathing heavily "And he recognized me. He thought I was gonna help him and I shot him in the head" </p><p>Wilson nodded slowly, taking the information without reacting, only listening to his friend. Barnes took this as an invitation to keep going. </p><p>"He was my friend, and I---" <em> I was in love with him </em>, Barnes thought but didn't say it, because that was too much, even if this was Sam "I hurted his kid too--" </p><p>"Tony was not a kid, and he wasn't particularly innocent either" Cut him off Sam, walking closer to him, putting a hand on the back of his friend's head "Now you look at me, okay? What you did, that was out of your control. You are not the things they made you do, Bucks," Bucky shook his head, but Sam put his other hand to stop him "No, no, no, don't do that. You, you <em> are </em> good"</p><p>Bucky closed his eyes one more time, breathing deeply and then took Sam's hand off him, smiling weakly as his chest grow bigger with something so strong it scared him "I'm not"</p><p>"Yes, come on cyborg head, you are" His friend's smile was soft, but worse than that, it was honest "Take my word on that, okay? Can you do that for me?" </p><p>Bucky knew in that moment, he could. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Hey! Jealous lover</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When September came around Sam wasn't expecting to do much for his birthday. He asked for a quinjet to go see his family, but that was about it. </p><p>What he definitely didn't expect was for Bucky to wake him up with breakfast in bed. </p><p>"Rise and shine lazy daisy" Screamed the man, pulling at his sheets. </p><p>"I hate you so much" Grumbled Sam, still half asleep "What are you--"</p><p>Barnes was opening the curtains, still wearing sweatpants and a baggy yellow stain shirt. Sam heart did some stunts, there was something enchanting about James Barnes walking around like a sleepy mess. The man grin at him, pink cheeks in all their splendor "Happy birthday, sweetheart" </p><p>Oh, boy. </p><p>"Do you need to assault me on my birthday?" Scoffed Sam, now looking at the tray of food in his nightstand, with a glass filled with forget me nots ``Hey, that's better"</p><p>Bucky smugness was not sutil, he sat down at Sam's side, taking a donut for himself and biting down without guilt. Wilson rolled his eyes, grabbing food for himself. </p><p>"And also," Bucky grabbed something that was hidden under one of the plates of fruit, to then put it on the other's palm.</p><p>It was a necklace, the collar made of leather and a small wooden falcon hanging from it. Wilson's smile betrayed his stubborn personality- that was ready to ride a school 'you don't impress me’ look. </p><p>"A falcon, uh?" He joked, putting on the necklace and playing with the little bird "Break your head with that one, didn't you?" </p><p>"So you like it" Retaliated Barnes, clearly proud of himself "I knew you would like it"</p><p>After that Sam never took the necklace off. </p><hr/><p>Sam's memories seemed to glow now, Wanda almost backtracked, but no pain came out of it. But something started breaking, unleashing slowly, rushing through the man's mind. Suddenly something detached, submerging the three of them into another glimpse of memory.</p><hr/><p>Sam was not jealous. Nope. He was just putting the right amount of concern when your closest friend starts being weirdly intense with a dude that literally tried to colonize earth. </p><p>Because there was definitely something weird going on with Loki and Bucky, mostly with the latter. Sam knew how his friend behaved around certain people,  with Hill it was all business, with Wanda he was shy and polite, with Quill he had a short temper and was snarky, he was sweet with the kid, and almost as sweet with Groot (for some reason). With the asgardian there was something more. They had started training together after Fury let Loki join the avengers, a thing that on its own Sam was not so sure was a good idea. After all, why the hell would they let <em> Loki </em>of all people in? But Fury's so called insitics were twichin and now they worked with a psychopath. Nice. The point was, when Loki joined he wasn't necessarily welcomed with open arms, except, of course, for Barnes. They immediately started to group up together, which left Sam to train with the kid, already an inconvenience but worse than that; they seem to get along. And Bucky was weird about it. </p><p>They moved around each other smoothly, if not for Loki's constant commentary- god of the silver tongue and whatnot. But it wasn't the banter and the jabs that bothered Sam, it was the silence. Bucky spent most of the time quiet, grinning and biting back replies, blue eyes intense and sharp, his mouth always seemed to linger before speaking, doing so softly, thinking of the words. To make matters worse Loki picked up on this, working his own pace, green eyes always attentive of Barnes movements and… And… Well, fuck him, that was the point. </p><p>But again, Sam was definitely not jealous. He was, if anything: protective. He can only think of what Steve would say, but he couldn't even do that because thinking about Steve hurt too much. It was like he had a constant whole at his left, always turning to make a cheeky comment to be encountered by emptiness. Which led him to think what Nat would say. Which if anything hurted just as bad.</p><p>And now their mutual best friend was clearly doing some weird introvert flirting with a fucking assassin. </p><p>Great. Just great. </p><p>There was also the thing about the stone. Because Loki didn't just randomly decide to appear, oh no, he left the throne of asgard for good reason. </p><p>"We can reach the stone" Sentenced the warlock, his long fingers pointing at the table once. </p><p>"When you say the stone, you mean literally the stone that is so generously allowing us to exist?" Quill question was not necessarily wrong. </p><p>Loki raised an eyebrow, cocking his head a little bit, in a sort of regal consideration "I suppose yes" </p><p>"Why do that?" </p><p>It was Bucky the one talking this time, when the green eyes fell on him Sam felt his body reacting, lining himself so he was in front of the soldier.  </p><p>"Because maybe then we can go back to our reality" Sentence the wizard, staring only at Bucky. </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Wilson was grinding his teeth, his jaw sore of clenching it for so long. Loki and Bucky were talking strategy while he watched from a safe distance 'like a creep', thought to himself to then dust off his pants for the tenth time in a row. </p><p>Loki had explained himself carefully, talking about how he escaped from Thanos, only to be swiped away with the snap. When Wanda- suspicious of his intentions- asked him why would <em> he </em> of all people wanted to go back to a reality where is kingdom is gone and, to that, his brother is still king, the prince bite his lips and push a lock raven hair behind his ear "Because," Started the man, words tingling with mischief "as much as this looks like reality, is not." </p><p>That simple. The rest of them had better reasons to want back. Sam himself couldn't quite stop thinking about his brother, Steve, Nat and even freaking Rhodey that always glared at him but also kept an eye for his safety in every battle. </p><p>It was an offer hard to resist, even when it came from a cunning bastard that was clearly flirting with Barnes. </p><p>Almost like summoned, the flirting ensued, Loki was smirking and Bucky's cheeks were suddenly very pink. </p><p>"Sam, dude, stop staring" Said a voice next to him.</p><p>Wilson, who was absolutely not staring but actually casually looking, jumped startled, letting out a curse between his teeth. Quill schooled a straight face, clearly trying his hardest not to laugh at him. </p><p>"Okay, untwist your bits'' Joke the other, with a huffled laugh "He does it on purpose, you know? He liked annoying people'' </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Loki," This time Quill whisper "He can tell you get jealous"</p><p>"What?" Sam said again for a lack of better words. </p><p>"I mean if someone flirt like that with my partner I be jealous too" Simply replied the blonde, dumb as ever. </p><p>"Bucky is not my...<em> Partner </em>" Sam blink, because this was fucking unbelievable "And I'm not jealous! I'm just worry"</p><p>Quill scold, clearly surprise "Oooh, so it's like, you know," he gesture the air, not making sense "<em> frienzone </em>"</p><p>"No!" Blurt out Sam, bewildered "No it's not friendzone, he is my friend and I'm not into him like that" </p><p>"That's a lie" Said a second voice, and Sam almost jumps off the bench. He turned to his right where Mantis was looking at him, a interested look fix on her face "You love him" </p><p>Where the fuck do the guardian of the galaxy even came from? </p><p>"No I don't! I mean I do, but, not like…" He felt his mouth dry and sandy, his heart racing "Is not like that!" </p><p>He thanked God Bucky seemed very invested in whatever the fuck the uggly ass warlock prince was saying.</p><p>"And now you are jealous!" Screamed Mantis, eyes wide open "Oh, and it's romantic, you <em> love </em> him love him" </p><p>What the fuck was going on?</p><p>"It's okay, dude" Said Quill, putting a friendly hand on his shoulder "Gamora friendzoned me too, she eventually came around...Tho, I'm kinda the prince in that situation so…"</p><p>He looked back at Mantis, and almost had a heart attack when he realized Drax was now sitting next to her. </p><p>"Loki is amazingly handsome," Sentence Drax, solemnly "And powerful, way more powerful than you with your toy wings. But it's a good thing to be weak and uglier, because then your friend who zoned you is gonna want to protect your useless self" </p><p>"I'm not weak!" Stutter Sam, feeling more than offered "And I don't  want Barnes to protected me either"</p><p>"Thats a lie!" Scream again Mantis. </p><p>"I'm Groot" The voice came from behind him, 'not the tree' cry a voice inside Sam's head as he turned around to gaze at the huge creature. </p><p>"Yeah, buddy, you right Sam's way better" Agree Quill, pushing Sam a little bit "Don't listen to Drax you are hot too" </p><p>"I'm Groot," assured the tree, pensative, and Sam wished he could turn into dust. Again.</p><hr/><p>He was not in love with Bucky Barnes. Nope. It didn't matter what Mantis had to say about it, he just wasn't. Period. He loves Bucky, yeah, sure, he can admit that much. But that was because he was his closest friend, and he was nice, and he cooks well, and he was sweet with the kid even when Peter was just overall annoying, and he was crass and moody, and smells weirdly good, and falls asleep next to him so easily, and reads all his books and puts them in places where they don't belong, and he lets Cece do his hair, and it's polite to his mum, and loves Sarah, and tease Sam's relentlessly, and the cold metal hand is the best grounding he ever felt, and his eyes are the same colour of that freaking weed and, and, and...Ugh, shit.</p><hr/><p>So, he is in love with Barnes. Not a big deal, he was a master in hiding feelings. An ase. A ten out of ten in suppressing emotions. He did it with Riley for years, heck the first time he admitted he felt something for Riley more than friendship was with Barnes himself. What was another ride in the yearning train? Nothing. It was easy peasy.</p><p>So as he watches Loki and Bucks prepare everything for their little adventure to manhandle an infinity stone he thinks he can do this. More than that he knows, he has this. </p><hr/><p>The mission was stupid. Loki was stuppier. Sam was angrily putting on his armour, certain that whatever it was that they were walking towards it was gonna end with someone dead. All because they were idiotic enough to trust the god of fucking mischief. Honestly if they died they couldn’t even complain. Fucking stupid.</p><p>“Shit fuck bullshit” Groan Sam, trying to put his gun holster but being incapable of doing so correctly. </p><p>“Okay, stop, let me do that” Barnes' voice was husky and playful, he kneel in front of Sam, putting his hand behind Sam’s thigh which… Was something weird now that the latter was painfully aware of his new found crush “What’s up with you lately?” </p><p>“What’s up with… You don’t realize we are literally walking into god know what because the dude that tried to nuke new york city said so?” </p><p>“Yeah,” whispered his friend, fingers brushing against Sam’s inner thigh “but you seem to forget Loki wants something out this” </p><p>Wilson breathed heavily, he noticed that part. Plenty. </p><p>“That much is clear” </p><p>“Hmm?” </p><p>“Nothing” Quickly replied Sam, taking Bucky’s hands once he lock the hostler in place, forcing him to his feet “Let’s just get this done”</p><p>Loki, who was just as smart as he looked like- sadly for Sam, who hoped for less- had managed to track a different set of energetic vibrations through the Yggdrasil, something ‘not quite right’ as he put it. Sam, who was literally just air force, heard the whole tale with a distant disbelief, but the reality was both Strange and Wanda seemed to follow the prince theory. Their plan was not set in stone, but it could roughly be translated to; let’s jump into a magic rainbow and swing it from there on. </p><p>Yeah, they were totally gonna die. </p><p>Of course, Loki was the one who knew exactly at which point of the Yggdrasil there was, for a lack of better words, a<em> bad vibe </em>. </p><p>“There’s not just one point” Explained the wizard, green eyes sharp and exhausted “The Yggdrasil is a whole, but… But I do believe there is something special here” He pointed at a branch within a very pretty drawing that was now laid on a table in the middle of the conference room. </p><p>“What makes you believe that?” Bucky moved closer to Loki, squinting his eyes while leaning in to read the words that were written alongside the map. </p><p>“For one, it’s new” A cunning smirk flourish in his lips “There’s only nine worlds in the Yggdrasil, James”</p><p>So now they were about to jump into a fucking rainbow stream of power to be suck into a magical tree and spit out into a world that wasn’t even supposed to exist… It was in times like this where Wilson wished he never opened the door to Steve and Nat. </p><p>Of course those wishes disappear rather quickly when later on Bucky walked towards him, ready to jump into the Bifrost next to him.</p><p>“You ready?” Asked his friend, electric blue eyes challenging him.</p><p>“I hate you” Mumbled Sam, shuddering “I am if you are”</p><p>Barnes licked his lips nervously, his metal hand reaching for Sam’s, entangling their fingers and smirking widely before dragging them both into chaos. </p><p>Colours, light, electricity, everything rushing thru his veins, the cold hand still holding his and then… The actual chaos. </p><p>“Jesus!” He screamed, jumping to the side as a huge rhino tried to stump them. Barnes did his part, moving off the way, avoiding death by just a second. Meanwhile Wilson opened his wings, flying up and scanning the terrane. It was like a Dali. But worse. Their people were all around, fighting and running, most of them clearly disoriented. </p><p>“Kid?” Sam called in, searching frantically inthe mess.</p><p>“Sam!” Peter's voice came through the earbud, distressed very high “I don’t understand what’s going on!”  </p><p>Fucking Loki man. </p><p>"Bucks, where the hell is your friend?" Barked Sam, suddenly being attacked by missiles that didn't seem to come from any particular direction. </p><p>It was hard to grasp what was happening around them, except that it looked like a nightmare. Actually, it looked like everyones nightmares put on blender and flavour with a bit of crazy. </p><p>"This is why you don't mess with infinity stones!" Yelled Star Lord, flying next to Sam, guns draw. </p><p>The falcon would have entertained his friend with some witty commentary but his mind was already racing, chasing the brunette with the metal arm as the latter made his way within the madness. </p><p>"Imma cover Bucky, stay on my six" Shout back Sam, lowering himself mildly aware of Quill's whisper 'what the fuck is your six'. </p><p>He was not setting foot on the ground, that'll just be stupid, having in mind the earth seem to crumbled into pits of ice and rock. </p><p>"No, no, no" He could heard Barnes grumbling, slipping on the cold ground "I think it's getting kinda personal, Sammy" </p><p>And oh boy it was, because just as he said the words the earth trembles and Red Skull raised from its cracks. There were few times The Falcon forgot about mercy, forgot about right and wrong, and the moral code he so highly held against his chest. But there were also few things he hated as much as this man right in front of him, a man that stole Steve's chance at life, a man that created the path that led Barnes to so much suffering. So, no,  Sam didn't even doubted it before he unleash something raw and rotted right from his guts; he fly into the nazi, kicking him right on the chest, only waiting a few second before emptying his gun against the son of a bitch's head. </p><p>"Stay down, motherfucker" The words roll out his tongue easily, as he turn around to watch Bucky fight against…</p><p>Howard Stark? </p><p>It wasn't so much fighting, that much was noticeable. The winter soldier, usually ruthless, talented and quick, was now on his ass, moving backwards desperately eyes bloodshot and face puffy. </p><p>"Hey, asshole" Sam snarl against his better judgement "Stay the fuck away from him" </p><p>But before he could do anything a green light washed over them. </p><p>Loki. </p><p>The prince came down from the air like the freaking god he was, and only for a second Sam couldn't blame Bucky for flirting back. Because the guy was really badass.  The nightmare around them froze, literally covered in ice as the wizard eyes searched the air, as if someone else was about to crash on them. Wilson vaguely thought of Thor, and if the sweet man could be counted as a nightmare for someone like Loki. </p><p>"You two," Sentence the wizard, green eyes digging against the pair "with me" </p><p>Neither of them questioned the call, The Falcon simply grabbed his friend off the floor, his arm around the other waist for longer than necessary as his hand searched for any injury, finger lingering against Bucky's jaw. </p><p>"Y' good?"</p><p>Barnes nodded, pressing their foreheads only for instant, so fast it could've easily never happened. </p><p>"Now, lover doves!" Yell the prince, already running ahead of them. </p><p> "Let's go" Mumbled Bucky, but he lean in instead, nothing abrupt but enough to give the other the wrong idea, nonetheless as smoothly as he move he stopped; a second after something obscure flicker on his eyes, and then almost as if he dismiss it with a blink of the eyes he completely let go of Sam, turning on his heels and running behind the prince. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. And I know if I'll only be true to this glorious quest, that my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky's mind was blurry, the image of Sam's killing red skull floated around his head, feeling unrealistic and distant. Because this parts of his life didn't collide; Sam, with everything pure he entitled, with every little memorie of selfless and unbothered love, with all those weeds he collected for Bucky having no idea what it meant for the soldier, <em> that </em> Sam had no business with the war, the snow, the pain. </p><p>And then there was Howard, just staring down at him, a gun pointed towards him and Barnes couldn't move, couldn't speak, he simply stumbled, falling backwards feeling the world spinning because good god he wanted Stark to pull the trigger. He deserved it. He deserved it, he deserved it, he-- </p><p>Loki was all over, the magic washing away the shock and the green eyes scolding at him. 'Mind to explain why you are on your ass mid battle?', seemed to hiss the wiry glare. But instead he rolled his eyes, now talking to Wilson, giving commands and moving around the air like it was made for him. </p><p>Freaking wizards. </p><p>Bucky's chest shrunk as Sam pushed him off the floor like he was weightless, a protective arm around his waist, brown eyes checking his body for injuries that could explain his clear state of despair. Of course there was nothing. But then, Sam's fingers were at his jaw, soft and tender, because they work like that. They care for each other, and Bucky shouldn't have let this get so far. He should've left that night, when they couldn't find Gideon. Because now he was resting his forehead against Sam only wishing he could kiss him and...And that was bad. Really bad. He shouldn't love Sam like this. Nothing good had ever come out of that. </p><p>So he ran, he followed Loki to whom he had grown a strange loyalty towards. Maybe it was that they were both frown upon superheros, or the pain that was shield behind the witty smiles, or in the ways he tried to pushed Bucky away flirting with him knowing damn well Barnes chest was already tied up to someone else; he wasn't sure what it what's exactly and he didn't needed to know. He trusted Loki like he trusted himself, which surely was not much, but it was enough. </p><p>It was patchy, gaps of black coming over his head as he searched for the memories, he wasn't sure what happened first. Flashes of wings and green magic surrounding him, black skin against the purple sky, Loki's sharp jaw and pointy nose glowing under the fire of his own magic, thunders ramping through the air, a storm without clouds, because in that moment they had the universe as a roof.</p><p>It was Sam who snapped him out of it. </p><p>"Bucky!" He yelled as they got closer to a huge structure, that seem to be glitching right in front of their eyes "Man, please I need you sharp right now" </p><p>It was that simple. Just a few words and the winter soldier push down the dizziness, getting back to his own skin. There was a job to get done. </p><p>"It's the building glitching for anyone else" Asked Bucky's taking down a warrior whose clothes looked strangely like Loki's. </p><p>"What are you seeing?" Asked Sam, struggling with a whole ass Valkyria.</p><p>Bucky put his attention to the building, the edge of his sight blurry, distorted, eventually the image came out clean. His childhood home appeared in front of him to then twitched into something else; tinier, brighter, definitely more yellow. It shifted into a Church that the Soldier recall as Gideon's. At last it turned into a disney like castle. </p><p>"My childhood home, our home, your brother's church and…"</p><p>"Asgard" Supply Loki "Buckle up, lads" </p><p>"Do we have to get in?" Scream Sam over the chaos, looking like a wild animal covered in blood and ash. </p><p>"The magic," Sentence Loki, the black hair flying around his sharp face "it's coming right out of there"</p><p>"Take that as a yes" Grumbled Sam, finally landing next to them, his combat boots making a soft sound as they reached the ground that slowly turned into sand. </p><p>"What the hell is even going on?" Said Barnes staring at the dessert that seemed to grow under his best friend's feet, the words were more to himself than the others, nonetheless the prince glared back at him. </p><p>"The stone knows our souls,"Supplied the warlock, already moving towards the castle "The same way it created a perfect replica of our universe it can create the perfect hell… Which you have to admit is the perfect hiding spot"  the knives were shimming under the moonlight as he took down a guard that came rushing towards him "I'm kinda jealous even" </p><p>"Let's go" Sam cut them both off, moving to the front, wing spread open as the air around him turned dusty, the castle rose in front of him, losing the glitchiness and shining brightly. It was a striking sight, with the one man walking towards, wings wide open; he looked regal. </p><p>Loki gave Bucky a side glare, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth "Now I get why you are so sappy for that chicken" </p><p>They made their way into the palace. Loki took the lead, green magic twirling around the air and washing everything with a dangerous edge. Barnes felt how resolved his new friend was, every step stronger and more stern than the other, and he couldn't help but wonder if this was the first time Loki got to play hero. It suited him. </p><p>"It's in the throne room" Said the wizard, his eyes sharp and his mouth flat in a line "I should go alone" </p><p>"Nah, no way, Princess" Snapback Wilson, his face dripping with sweat, Loki scold at him but Sam speak again before the warlock could put his two cents "We have 20 people out there just saving us some time, we can't risk it" </p><p>"We don't know what kind of power is inside there, Samuel" Explained Loki, the words coming through his teeth. </p><p>"It's heartwarming that you worry for our safety," Snarl back Sam, some of the bitterness gone from his words "but that's exactly why you need the back up" </p><p>Loki nodded severely, stopping right in front of a huge set of wooden doors. The hallway suddenly settled. Going quiet and still, not a bit of breeze, not a sound. Bucky felt his skin crawl, looking between the two men, as the Prince closed his eyes, breathing deeply before pushing them open. </p><p>Barnes wasn't sure what he expected. More chaos, maybe, instead he was met with something out of a fairy book. A throne room, he supposed. It was breathtaking but by Loki's tense shoulders, Bucky guessed, was just that. That being said, the kid perched up on what probably was Odin's- or Thor's for that matter- throne was hopefully not a recurrent sight. </p><p>"Hello" Said the child, their body covered in a cascade of orange light "You shouldn't be here" </p><p>"Well, this is my castle, so I have to disagree" Loki's voice was softer than usual, not as defiant. </p><p>"No, that's not true" Said the stone, jumping off the throne, their feet meting the marble stone with a soft thud "I created a new Asgard for you, this is not it" </p><p>Loki angled his face up, looking royal and wicked, Barnes couldn't help but to move forward, in a sad attempt to protect his teammates. </p><p>To the winter soldier's horror this took the kids attention, the small neck crack toward him, orange eyes glowing with ferocity. </p><p>"And you," The words were sweet, juvenile, but raw in ways Barnes knew to fear "I gave you everything. All those memories you crave for. I fixed you, Sargent- You never been happier, have you? I guessed the only thing missing would be that boy of yours… I supposed that must hurt an awful lot, but then…That was not my doing"</p><p>Barnes blood started to boil. <em> It knows our soul </em>,  said Loki. Whatever this thing was, they knew exactly which words to use to anger Barnes. And bringing up Steve would surely do it. </p><p>"Is your doing what is keeping us here" Call again Loki, walking towards the throne, his long legs moving like a cat over the marble "We don't belong here more than you do" </p><p>"Would you prefer to cease to exist?" The child asked, actually confused, frowning with their head tilted. </p><p>"We would prefer to be home" This time, it was Sam the one to talk, the Falcon had closed up his wings, looking more good-natured than the Asgardian. </p><p>"It's a funny thing for you said, Sam" The kid brows were closely knit together "Because you made yourself quite at home, I suspect if I send your back you'll lose most of this... You'll go back to Captain's America side, neglecting your family, giving up your love for--Well, you would give up just about anything to make Steve Rogers happy. You are too loyal, even for your own good. So I guess it's not a surprise you are asking for something so detrimental for your happiness...Or are you under the impression you can match up, Samuel? You know who he's gonna choose, right? If you go back? You gonna lose it all, Soldier" </p><p>"Don't listen to him" Warn him Loki, his eyes widening as he took in a sharp breath "He's trying to trick us...Silly if you ask me, afterall I'm the god of that"</p><p>"That you are," agreed the kid, taking a step down the big set of stairs. Barnes' heart was racing as he took in their current situation. "Then there's the thing that you are not, young Prince, you are not a hero, you are not a king, and you are most definitely not the good guy. But here, god of lies, here you had the chance to change that. With your brother gone, you are the true heir. You even managed to get yourself a few friends by the looks of it. So tell me now, Loki Laufeyson, why would you ever want to get back?" </p><p>"Odinson" </p><p>"Excuse me?" Asked the stone, eyes wide open. </p><p>"My father, much to my dismay, it's Odin and no one else" Retaliated Loki, a smirk growing within his lips "He be the one you have to thank for my sudden interest in setting the matters straight. Because my father, in all his great cruelty, taught me the importance of a good competition. For the throne, for Asgard… For being seen as an equal in brother's eyes. So no, I don't just want the throne. I want to earn it. That's barely possible if there's no one else that want to fight for it" </p><p>"Well that I don't understand, young Prince" admitted the stone.</p><p>"You can do it, can't you?" Blurt out Bucky, feeling his skin prickling with anticipation. They were trying to trick them, and the only reason for such a thing was because they <em> could </em>fix it. </p><p>"Yes," Started saying the stone, another step down the marble stairs "And no. But more importantly, I don't think I should. Not yet, at least…" </p><p>"But you…" Bucky mouth betrayed him, ready to beg. </p><p>"Memories, James" Stop him the stone "Memories are so important. They make us who we are.  I gave yours back. Now you are free to choose who you are gonna be, now you know… You know how you love him, how you love your family, how you loved life. And because of that now you can love again. I let you put the pieces back together, Sargent. Give me one reason not to break the whole puzzle again?"</p><p>"It's that a thread?" Growl Sam, his face hard.</p><p>The kid smile, shrugging with a raise eyebrow "Maybe" </p><p>"Is this a game to you?" Snarled Loki, suddenly forgetting himself a dagger coming out of his sleeve as he barged toward the stairs, "You can send us back. You can and you will"  Were the last word he said while grabbing the child by the collar, his knife going straight to the kid's collar… But then the world went up in flames. </p><p>The explosion was strong enough to send them all flaying, the stone ceiling crashing on top of them. Barnes screamed, feeling  the ruins hitting against his body, as something big and sharp came through him, piercing his skin, his bones. </p><p>"Sam!" He cried out in horror, because it hurted. It was the type of pain that knocks you cold, his whole body jerked, trembling at the hot thrust of a gushing open wound.  </p><p>His ears were ringing while tried to sit straight, feeling the foreign object move with him, twisting his guts. He cough, feeling blood dripping out of his mouth "Sam," </p><p>And then he looked down. </p><p>A piece of metal, that looked pretty much like a chandelier was deep into his body, pinning him down to the floor. </p><p>"Sam," he said again, desperate because… Because he didn't want to die. It struck him like a cannonball. <em> He didn't want to die </em>. Not now, no after he finally got everything back, no when Sam could be at his side, smiling, annoying him, being stubborn, brave. Not now he cared for the kid, not now he cared for everyone. Not now… He closed his eyes, feeling the world going away, slipping from his grasp. </p><p>"Barnsies," Said a voice above him. Barnes opened his eyes, feeling the pain more than ever. Howard was standing on top of him, a bullet in the middle of his eyes and glowing pure orange. "you don't look so hot" </p><p>Bucky gurgled up a chunk of blood, choking on it and feeling bilis coming up. </p><p>He was gonna die. </p><p>The man crunched up in front of him, crooking his head to a side, sucking on his lower lip. </p><p>"This. This is what happens when you little beans think you can boss people around. But don't worry, I'm not letting you…"</p><p>"Sam," Bucky cried out again, looking to his side filled with debris, he tried to scramble away, if only to see where his friend was at. </p><p>"Calm down, Sargent, he's fine…Well, he's not dead, at least"  Howard sat down, his legs on a baskets, using the chandelier as support and digging it further into him "You were kinda obvious with that one. It's heartwarming, I gotta say, how much you feel for him"</p><p>"Why are you doing this?" Finally asked Bucky, feeling his heart swallow while looking at this version of Howard. </p><p>"I'm not doing anything, James'' Said the other evenly "You...On another hand, you are about to make a choice"  The orange light cascade, shifting, growing smaller. In front of him Steve was smiling, pre serum and pre war. Just bones and audacity. "Let's play a game, now shall we." He put both of his hand in front of Bucky, picking a blue piece of marble for one hand and a red for the other- Barnes thought there was a joke there somewhere but he was too dead to muster it- he rise the blue piece of marble, passing his tongue thru his bottom lip "In one hand I can send you'll back right now, in this very instant but all your memories, Buck, they are gonna stay here. And no, not just the old ones. <em> All of them </em>." then he put it down, closing his fit around it, to pitch the red one between the finger of his left hand "In the other one you stay, for a while, not forever of course, and then...Then when the time it's right, you get to keep it, Buck. The old, the new and...Well, probably him too." </p><p>The last piece of information he said while gesturing with his head to something in front of them, Bucky pushed his head to the ground, to catch a glimpse at Sam standing himself with effort trying to walk towards the stone and himself. Bucky whimpered, feeling the blood leaving his body raptly. </p><p>"Choose, Barnes" Growl Steve, the sweet eyes turning stern. The two fist now close. Bucky heard Loki screaming for afar, clearly in pain. </p><p>As he reached for Steve's left hand he could almost hear the other Steve, the older more steady Rogers, voice purring inside his brain <em>till</em> <em>the end of the line. </em></p><p>Maybe someday.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. That one man, scorned and covered with scars, Still strove with his last ounce of courage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam heard all of it. In the back of his head he was hollowing for Bucky to make the right choice, to pick the quick getaway. None of that really mattered to him, tho. The only thing that was on his mind at the moment was that Barnes was dying. He was vaguely aware of his own wounds, the open cut on the back of his head, the broken bones and what felt like broken ribs and therefore endangered lungs, but he didn't care. </p><p>Because Bucky cried for him, said his name filled with pain and fear. </p><p>"Get the fuck away from him!" He roared, stumbling towards the stone, dropping to his knees a few feet away as Bucky took what looked like Steve's hand. </p><p>Bucky looked back at him, a tired smile brightening his face. </p><p>"Sam" This time his voice was a bit more steady, he cough up closing his eyes with force "is good Sam, we are fine" </p><p>The stone, now carrying Steve's face, grabbed the chandelier and yanked it off Bucky, gushes of blood splatter everywhere and the soldier let out a nasty scream. He threw the piece of gold and iron to a side, like it was weightless, looking at Wilson with something similar to pity. He lowered himself, whispering something in Bucky's ear before stretching himself like a cat, unbothered by the situation. </p><p>"I already sent your friends home" He told Sam, an eyebrow raised in a way Steve Rogers would have never pulled. "You have a couple of minutes to take him and the prince out of here. Be quick, the Bifrost will not wait for you"</p><p>Just like that the orange figure disappeared. Sam scrambled as he could, crawling to Barnes. He was leaving a trail of blood behind him, only to sink his hands on a pool of Bucky's own.  </p><p>"Hey, hey" he called, grabbing the man's face, helping him to sit down straight "Come on, Bucks" </p><p>"Sam, I'm sorry Sam" Barnes eyes were bloodshot, barely awake "I'm so sorry" </p><p>"Come on now, I need you to get up" Sam hushed him, entangling his fingers thru Bucky's hair and pushing him against his chest.</p><p>"Look for Loki" Commanded the soldier, blue eyes defiant "Look for Loki and get the hell out of here" </p><p>"Are you insane? I'm not leaving you here, can you imagine what Steve would say if I let you die for Princess Attitude'' Sam tried to tease, feeling his whole body giving up.</p><p>"Sam, I ruined it, we are not gonna see Steve we…"</p><p>"I know." Sam stopped him, his mouth dry, as he looked in between the ruins, the throne room was a mess, all broken stone and flames. He caught a glimpse of raven hair and green clothes. At least the fucking wizard was alive. "I don't care, Bucks, I just need you to stay with me, okay?"</p><p>Bucky fought his way out of Sam's arms, struggling to be set free, the other grumbled, moving away only to let Barnes shakily sit on his own, the open wound visually bleeding. Sam had never seen something quite as bad, not at least on someone that looked so alive still. </p><p>"Get Loki, and <em> go </em>'' Repeated Barnes, his jaw clench and his eyes filled with fury. Something soften at his friend stubbornness, so he spoke again, a hand finding his way to Sam's face "I can't do it, Sam, I'm not gonna make it so go"</p><p>"No." Sam squinted his eyes, in disbelief, moving closer, pressing their foreheads together "No." </p><p>"Stop being stubborn you moron, just grab fucki--" </p><p>Sam didn't let Bucky finish the sentence, pressing their mouths togethers. The fear of rejection flourished for a few moments as Barnes stayed frozen, his mouth tightly closed and his hand now stiff. But then Bucky unraveled, his mouth softening, turning into a smile as he let out a sharp breath. It was a sweet kiss, sloppy and wet. </p><p>Bucky only moved away to settle a few more kisses around Sam's face. </p><p>"We need to move" Said again Sam, smiling at Barnes' tired kisses "Come on, Bucks" </p><p>"Loki," Bucky said for what felt like the millionth time. </p><p>"I'm fine, thanks for asking" Said a voice behind them, the prince appeared stumbling, his clothes still smoking "Not that you asked me but; <em> this </em> is the opposite to the appropriate moment to confess, Barnes" </p><p>Bucky let out a raspy laugh, looking at his new friend with something bewildered. Sam studied the interaction not without a sense of jealousy, he passed an arm around Bucky's back, gesturing for Loki to help him. </p><p>The prince huffle, like he was about to say no but moved so quickly it gave away his dramatics. He held onto Bucky with as much care as Sam, helping him stumbled to his feet.</p><p>"Let's go, lover doves" </p><hr/><p>The Bifrost let them right where they had taken it. Everyone was waiting for them, looking confused and ruffled up. When they arrived they were quickly pushed into a quinjet, Sam immediately got working, pushing every single feeling he had down, ignoring that this was Bucky under his hands and using his training for once. It was hard. Because the pain noises were Bucks, so was the blood, and the wounds were bad enough that he knew the only reason he was alive was the serum. </p><p>"Stay with me, sweetheart" Mumbled at one point, without realizing. </p><p>Bucky chuckled at that, blood sprinkling from his mouth. </p><p>"Sweetheart, I like that" The man whispered, looking right at Sam's eyes making the pararescue feel like the whole world shut down "Is okay, <em> sweetheart </em>, you got this" </p><p>"Asshole" Laugh Sam, leaning in, pressing a wet kiss against Bucky's mouth "Absolute asshole" </p><p>Strange appeared short after, opening a portal and dropping them right into the hospital wing. Wizards were not so bad after all. </p><p>Sam let the doctor heal him only once he was sure Bucky was in good hands, and of course he found the kid. Peter barged into the hospital, dressed into his civilian clothes, but Sam catched the mask tucked in his back pocket, he ran towards him throwing his arm around the others shoulders. </p><p>"Hey, kid" said Sam, squeezing "You good?"</p><p>"I'm fine" Assure Peter, his eyes filled with tears "You scare me" </p><p>"Sorry," Sam looked over his shoulder, glaring at the room were Bucky was at "He is good too" </p><p>"You are not" A third voice purred from behind them. The god of mischief was looking like a whole mess, the black hair was greasier than normal and his clothes usually spotless looked mangled up and dusty to his core. "Come on, let get you a medic chicken" </p><p>Sam was about to argue when Peter pushed him forward, "I keep an eye on Bucky you go" </p><p>Sam frowned, scolding at both Peter and Loki, but the warlock prince grab him by the elbow, tugging him at his side and started talking right away "Don't let the others know, Wilson" </p><p>"Excuse me?"</p><p>"I heard what Barnes did," Loki glared at him, his head angled in a way the black locks of hair fall over his dark green eyes "I'm okay with it, honestly, but the rest may not be such a fan of taking a few years into a interdimensional purgatory, so keep it to yourself" </p><p>"I wasn't planning on saying anything" Sam spit out, feeling offended by nothing in particular. </p><p>"Better then, he's a bit of a weirdo but I grown fond of him so," Loki pushed him into a room filled with nurse's taking their lunch "be proper with him" </p><p>Sam scoffed, about to say something else when the prince turned on his heels and left. He still didn't like that moron, he thought while smiling a little. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Sam pushed Wanda held away, breathing heavily. The room around him felt foreign. </p><p>"Everything okay, Sam?" Steve's voice was sweet and stern, a friendly hand grasping at his shoulder. He looked up, feeling his own insane gaze. </p><p>Then he stared at Bucky. The man didn't dare to look back at him, the blue eyes burning against the conference table. </p><p>"You selfish motherfucker" Groan Sam, standing up so abruptly he knocked the chair "Why would you do that?" </p><p>Bucky took a sharp breath, closing his eyes "You know why…"</p><p>"No, I don't" Wilson looked up, to the group of people that was awaiting for more information "And this shit is not working, none of this feels like--Like mine, it's like you are pushing something inside my head but it's not-It not me!" </p><p>"Sam…" Bruce spoke steady, soft clear eyes bringing comfort "You can to talk to us" </p><p>"Yeah, I can't handle the mystery" Added Stark under his breath.</p><p>"Good grief" mumbled Stranger, closing his eyes and pushing his head back, like he was controlling down the urge to zap Tony out of the room.</p><p>"That is crap" Sam blurt out, ignoring the rest of the avengers "I'm not--I would never-" </p><p>"Feel that way?" Barnes offered, finally looking at him, his voice was edgier than usual, something similar to irony covering it.</p><p>"I would never be okay with that" Supply Sam, crossing his arms "Doesn't matter how much I- Whatever I would never be okay with someone making that call" </p><p>"You were not" Bucky said, evenly. </p><p>"What?"</p><p>"You were not okay with what I did, Sam, you hated me afterwards" Barnes shrugged, rubbing his hands thru his face, a tired sigh leaving his mouth "If you want to see it for yourself, you are welcome to" </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Life is sad when people hurt you Sad when friends desert you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The reality of Bucky's choice settled with Sam a few weeks after it happened. </p><p>They were having dinner with his mother, Bucky was sitting in the porge in front of a small fire, letting Cece practice something with his hair while Peter ate nachos and chatted with the pair. Darlene was just walking out, putting a chair next to Peter so he could tell her all about Caltech. He wasn't sure why his therapist mother cared so much about tech shit, so he suspected she simply liked the kid. Sarah was telling him something about Cece's school when she stopped talking. Not that Sam was listening, to absorb watching Barnes interactions with his family. The diciembre sun shining weekly against his face, and hell he was beautiful. </p><p>"When did it happen?" Sarah suddenly burst out. </p><p>"Mm?" Sam let out, still glued to Bucky's strong profile. </p><p>"You two are clearly together, thank god too" Sarah spit out, putting a fry on his mouth. They were in their mothers kitchen watching as the rest of the family enjoyed the little sun that was left. </p><p>Sam, who was cutting the vegetables for the tacos, almost chops his finger off. </p><p>"Uh?" </p><p>"Oh god, come on dude" Replied his sister, rolling her eyes "You been staring at him for half an hour, which is not even new but usually you at least pretend" </p><p>"I--" Sam was never this out of words. </p><p>"How did it happen then?" She asked, a grin covering most of her face "Spill it, Sammy" </p><p>Sam wondered if he should lie. He did, to some degree, afterall he had been keeping the promise he made to Loki. As bizarre as that was. The warlock apparently was serious about being fond of Bucky, and as much as the flirting had essentially disappeared he still spent a reasonable amount of time around him. Sam' jealousy was not completely gone but then… Well, then Bucky was making it pretty clear that he <em> actually </em> liked Sam back. More than that, honestly. It turns out, Bucky and Sam as more than friends looked pretty similar to them just as friends. With a few exceptions, of course. Like sharing a bed, or Bucky randomly deciding to kiss him, just sloppy, lazy kisses in the cheek, the shoulder, the top of his head, his hands, his nose, his forehead and sometimes his mouth, all through the day. Nobody seemed to react to the change, and if Peter seemed to perk up everytime he catched them kissing nobody mentioned it. </p><p>It was just organic, he supposed. </p><p>And as he explained this to his sister her eyes started to get watery. She sniffled at the end, using the back of her hand to dry up her tears.</p><p>"Ugh, I'm sorry, Sammy" She said with a sigh "You just remind me of when I started dating Joe…" Her voice broke at the end of phrase, turning into an ugly sob "Jesus, fuck, I'm horrible I shouldn't be making this about me"</p><p>Sam chuckled, hugging her tight, his heart aching at his sister's pain "Hey, is okay" he whispered against her hair feeling her body shaking. </p><p>"I miss him so much, Sammy" She was barely making any words out "And Cece she...Fuck Sam, I don't want her to grow up without her dad. She's still so young. And I can't stop thinking about, what is he doing you know? If he is the one that stayed alive, if that's what happened...Is he gonna meet someone else? What if he falls in love, Sammy?" She let go of him, her body shaky as she pressed the hells of the back of her hands against her eyes "It's been almost two years...Can I even blame him?"</p><p>Sam didn't know what to say. The lack of words translated into an awkward sympathetic smile and shrugged. </p><p>"I don't know"</p><p>"Sometimes I wonder, if I'm ever gonna see him again. What if we...You know what? It doesn't even fucking matter. It won't happen!" And hysterical laughter left her body as she picked the knife back up, working with a carrot. They stayed in silence for a few seconds before she turned towards him, with a smile on her face "I'm happy for you. He's one of the good ones" </p><hr/><p>That night Sam couldn't sleep. Bucky went to his room- not before kissing Sam in the cheek and hit Peter in the back of the head when he was too distracted with his phone to say 'night' back. Sam followed the man with his eyes, the silent but steady steps and easiness of his body. How could Bucky be so complete after what he had done? </p><p>In all honesty, he had tried to stay behind. Tried to die. Sam was not gonna pretend he understood Bucky's situation, because he knew that to Barnes dying was way better than living without his memories. Without his identity. Afterall it was clear that the worst torture he had endorse was being stip away of who he was. His name, his family, his friends. Everything that made him himself. So no, Sam was not trying to understand the logic behind the man's choice. </p><p>But <em> he </em> would rather have his mind wiped clean than to condem everyone to live without their loved ones. Because at the end of day that was what happened, wasn't it? Bucky chose his own memories before half of the earth. </p><p>It was selfish. </p><p>It was cruel. </p><p>Sam breathed heavily, feeling the world losing balance. It took him so long to realize it. To daze with <em> having </em> Barnes, too caught up in his feelings towards the winter soldier to notice that… What Bucky had done was unforgivable. No fucking wonder Loki, of all people, told him to stay quiet. </p><p>And he- he was playing houses with the man who chose his own sanity over everyone else's. The world was starting to lose edge, everything looking distant, confusing. He stood up, running to the back door until he was stumbling down the stairs, falling to his knees into the ground. </p><p>"Breath" he told himself, his chest going harder than ever "breath, Wilson" </p><p>Sam wasn't sure how much time he spent like that, eyes screwed close and heart racing. When he finally opened his eyes again, he wished he never had. A tiny flower stared back at him. Forget me not. He started  laughing bitterly, what the fuck had Bucky done if not exactly that? He chose to stay here. He chose to forget about everyone they lost. He chose. </p><p>And he did it wrong. </p><p>"Sweetheart?" </p><p>Sam crocked his neck, looking at the man on the top of the stairs. The blue eyes glimmering with worry. Bucky walked wiry towards him, barefoot.</p><p>"Don't" Sam stopped him, jumping to his feet "Don't do that"</p><p>"What?" Barnes sneer, a teasing smile showing on his eyes "I'm keeping the sweetheart, Sam, it's cute" </p><p>Wilson felt his stomach doing stunts. It was all wrong. All fucked up. </p><p>"You chose for everyone" He said finally, the brown eyes suddenly stormy and hard "And you only thought of yourself" </p><p>Bucky grin dropped, backtracking like Sam had punched him in the guts. He raised an eyebrow, swallowing hard enough that his boyfriend could hear it. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"You chose your own memories, Barnes, you chose your fucking memories!" Barked Sam, the weight of it all falling on his shoulder "Do you realize what you have done?" </p><p>Bucky's face went blank, jaw clenched and eyes distant. The winter soldier, Sam noticed for the first time. He was fucking the Winter Soldier. </p><p>"For fuck sakes" Cry out Sam "You… How could you, man?" </p><p>Barnes was still unresponsive, cold and stoic. Wilson almost got up in his space, but something told him that was a bad idea. </p><p>"I'm sorry" The words were hoarse, broken. </p><p>"Sorry is not gonna cut it" Spit back the other, his voice sharp with rage. </p><p>"What do you want me to do, Sam? I was half dead and they… I can't handle losing myself again" Bucky seemed to have shaken out of it, now screaming with equal bitterness "You don't know what is like…" </p><p>"We can't do this" Sam blurted out, feeling his chest clench with lacerating pain. </p><p>Barnes shrugged, looking at his feet, Sam knew Bucky understood what he meant nonetheless the soldier asked "What?"</p><p>"You know what I meant" Finalize Sam "I can't-- I don't want to be with you" </p><p>Barnes barely needed an instant. A brief moment where pain flicker like light bulbs exploding before he let out a dry laugh, turning around without giving Sam another second of his time "Okay then" </p><p>The falcon stared at the back of his friend's head, anger and pain twisting and turning inside his chest. 'Okay then'. That was all he got. He felt like dying and the only thing Barnes had to say was <em> okay then.  </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. In this small apartment where she used to love me, I just sit here as my life goes by.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Fuck him!" Shouted Loki, the black eyebrow kit into an almost comical frown "No, truly, James, fuck that asshole. Who the hell does he think he is? Uh? No one, that who. I'm gonna turn him into a proper chicken, that's what I'm gonna do." </p><p>Bucky was starting to regret telling Loki about what happened. The prince did not take the news very well  and now, while Bucky laid on his back in one of those Asgardians expensive couches, the warlock was pacing around the room, plotting on how to make Sam pay. </p><p>Loki had taken back his responsibilities as King, knowing that would eventually come to an end when the freaking stone decided so. Bucky was weirdly proud of the wizard's talents as a monarch, because it turns out; Loki was a good king. He was also a rather good friend. Different to anything Barnes had ever experienced; too cross to be anything like Steve, but too elegant to be anything like Sam. Sometimes he could see parts of Shuri on him, in the sharpness and the certain aspects that seem to be inherited with royalty. It was kinda bizarre that he had befriended two heirs of thrones, he vaguely wondered what'll his mother think of that. </p><p>What would his mum think about his decision? </p><p>Or of Sam's for that matter? </p><p>Ugh, Sam. </p><p>"You are not turning him into a chicken, Lo" Barnes said, not without some tiredness. </p><p>"Ha, you'll see" Whispered the other, the raven hair moving with his pacing in a rather dramatic effect. </p><p>"Please don't" Whimper Bucky, sitting up "He's right, man, I fucked up" </p><p>"You did not" Said Loki without missing a beat, he glared down at Bucky like he was a peasant and not someone he had invited into his chambers "You did what you had to do, James. There's no blame in that" </p><p>Barnes didn't agree. He was selfish, a toxic burden Sam had carried for long enough until he realized what it implied. Broken beyond repair, dangerous to everything good that...</p><p>"Stop it" Loki sneer at him, the long arms crossed over his chest "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" </p><p>And maybe that was actually good advice. </p><hr/><p>Bucky stopped feeling bad for himself. He still felt like shit, sure. But he didn't throw pity parties any more. He was owning up to his choices. He's decisions, because for the first time he was the one in control. So yeah, maybe he made the wrong call. Maybe he was a selfish asshole who could only think of himself. But he was.<em> He was </em>. With his memories, every single one of them that'd turn him into a man that could make the call. Fuck up, sure. But whole.  And that no one could take away.</p><hr/><p>Rejection still sting more than he could put into words.</p><hr/><p>December turned into Januar and Sam was still ignoring him like he was the plague. Peter noticed but he didn't comment on it. And Bucky, well, Bucky felt miserable. Losing Sam's love was painful, losing Sam's friendship was unbearable. </p><p>It hurted in ways Bucky hadn't expected to. Like the world no longer felt right, the mission's were pragmatic, the free afternoons were empty, his bed was cold, the food was tasteless and he was lonely. So freaking lonely. All the time. And Sam was right there, at the grasp of his fingers, walking around a home that no longer felt theirs, fighting the same fights but not caring for where Barnes was, attending the same meeting but never glancing towards Bucky to make faces or share jokes, training with him but barely talking, barely touching. </p><p>Sam hated him.</p><p>And Bucky didn't feel so whole no longer. </p><hr/><p>It was Wanda who noticed. After a meeting regarding some issues with someone recreating Stark's suits and bunch of crap Bucky couldn't help to care. He was sitting alone, playing with his coffee- decaf- while the rest were cleaning their gear and preparing what looked like weapons but could easily have been anything to Bucky's distracted eyes. </p><p>"What's the matter?" Wanda said, a sweet smile appearing. </p><p>Mantis and Quill, who were working next to Wanda, looked up. The guardians of the galaxy were not known for the delicate approach to things. So when Mantis talked Bucky didn't expect anything good. </p><p>"He is terrible sad" Said Mantis, looking actually sorry for him "A broken heart" </p><p>Quill pulled a face, mainly a grimace of regret to let his friend talk. The blonde snapped his tongue, shrugging awkwardly. </p><p>"Don't we all?" Said Quill, trying to joke. </p><p>"Well yes, you three do have all of your hearts broken" Agreed Mantis. </p><p>Wanda snorted, dropping her face against her hand with a grin "Me too?"</p><p>"Oh, yes" Assured Mantis. </p><p>Bucky couldn't help but chuckled, sharing a complicit look with Wanda that simply rolled her eyes. </p><p>"Well life is a bitch" Argue Quill, looking slightly offended by getting his feelings exposed. Then he froze, putting down a weapon, his eyes glimmering with anticipation "We should do something to get rid of the heartbreaks!" </p><p>"Good luck with that…" Mumbled Bucky, cocking his head to a side. </p><p>Quill squinted his eyes, like Barnes' disbelief was a personal offense. "Oh I'm gonna make you the most chipper guy ever, Bucky Barnes" </p><p>Wanda snicker behind her hand, raising her eyebrows "I'm on" </p><p>Bucky let the idea sink in for a few moments. Not like he had anything else to do. "You know what? How bad can it be?" </p><p>Famous last words. </p><p>Quill's idea was actually not that bad. Just grab a drink like they were a normal group of friends and not a demigod, a witch, a super soldier, and...Mantis. But hey, for the most part it was actually really fun. Quill was a dumbass but he was nice to have around, Mantis was honest enough to make every conversation interesting and Wanda clicked with Barnes in a weirdly smooth way. They were getting along so good he wondered why he hadn't spent more time with the witch.</p><p>"Ugh, no way" Said the girl, pushing the third or fourth shot down "So like, you never been to Disneyland?"</p><p>Bucky laughed again, shrugging "No! Have you?" </p><p>"Well, no, but you are ancient!" She argued, and to be fair she did kinda had a point "That's it's, we are going to Disneyland" </p><p>"Ohhhh" Quill said, too excited for the plan at hand "I always wanted to go to Disneyland as a kid" </p><p>"That's settles it" Sentence Wan, smiling brightly at Bucky "You can bring Loki too, I kinda want to see him handle that one" </p><p>"We are gonna get ban from Disneyland"  Bucky argue, but couldn't help to giggle trying to picture Loki Odinson, god of mischief, lies and everything bad ass,  getting enerved with the Mickey Mouse staff "Oh, god, now I actually want to do it" </p><p>"That's the spirit!" </p><hr/><p>January turned into February, which was cold but not so lonely. It took a time for Bucky to realize the avengers were actually becoming his friends too. Quill and Wanda seemed to have adopted him into a broken hearts club that usually was intended to get drunk and play cards. It wasn't bad at all. </p><p>And then there was Peter who took Bucky's sadness horribly, so bad he decided to spend every second they got together talking Barnes ear off. The kid never asked what happened between him and Sam, and Bucky wondered if he knew.  </p><p>Then of course, there was Loki, who seemed to make it his personal quest to victimize Barnes with everything Asgardian. </p><p>"You gotta try this, James" He always said, something solemn crossing his eyes as he put a ball of what looked like snails in front of him "If you don't it be treason, you should know that"</p><p>He seemed to spend more time around almost everyone who called themselves an avenger. With the clear exception of Sam. </p><p>He missed Sam. </p><p>He missed staying in their home doing nothing, he missed watching movies and falling asleep mid thru, he missed eating vegetarian food and trying new recipes, he missed the stubborn fights, he missed how he never flinch or doubted to touch his metal hand, he missed how mad Sam would get at him, he missed him cleaning around the house, he missed his music, he missed his witty comebacks, he missed his eyes, he missed the way he call him 'Bucks', he missed his family, he missed sharing stories about Steve, he missed the blue flowers, he even missed kissing him even if he had barely got any of that,  he missed. So. Much. </p><p>But Sam was moving on. He knew that, he saw it in the way he was slowly being less sharp, less distant. And he was certain of that when he met Misty.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. I was much to busy baby - being faithful to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> Sam's whole body ached. His mind felt like a hive of bees, his eyes were dry, his back was sore, and his fucking heart felt like someone stopm on it. </p><p>And Bucky, he was everywhere. The man was all around his room in form of every book misplace, he was in the fucking park when he try to take a run but those freaking blue weeds seemed to grow whatever soil was present, he was in the wooden falcon that hang from his neck, and he was actually in his house, living like nothing had happened. </p><p>Sam hated it. </p><p>More than that, Wilson hated how fucking much he wished to forget about it. To take back those weeks; where he was allowed to kiss Bucky, to cuddle him, to fuck him. </p><p>Fuck. He missed him so much. </p><p>Sam Wilson was lonely in ways he had forgotten were possible. </p><p>On another hand Bucky seemed to get over him pretty fast. Suddenly hanging with Wanda and the guardians of the galaxy, not that Sam was bitter about it… He made the choice. He said it, <em>  I don't want to be with you </em>. </p><p>He only wished it was true.</p><hr/><p>Sam met Misty by accident. They crashed against each other, she was carrying boxes and Sam was too distracted thinking of… Well not <em> not </em> Bucky. The boxes, filled with documents, landed pretty awfully across the street. </p><p>"Oh shit!" Let out Sam, grabbing her just in time not to send her flying with her boxes "I'm so sorry!" </p><p>"Don't you look where you are going?" She snapped, shaking his grip of herself. Then her face changed as she apparently recognize him, turning in a tired almost off put expression "Oh, of course you don't." </p><p>"Excuse me?" Sam wrinkled his nose, offended.</p><p>"You are an avenger, it be a first if you care not to knock shit over while you mind your business." </p><p>Sam snorted, helping her collect the bundle of papers that was laying in front of them. </p><p>"Well, I don't think you are the one to talk about prejudice on other people's jobs," he hadn't missed the badge, he never did "Right, officer?" </p><p>Thankfully for Sam's beaten ego she actually laughed, the bitterness disappearing slowly from her face. They gathered everything, standing up awkwardly.</p><p>"Mercedes," She said offering a hand "Knight." </p><p>"Sam" Reply the avenger, with a grin "Wilson." </p><p>They started dating soon after. It turns out Mercedes- she only let him call her Misty after a while- and Sam not only shared that they were both born and raised in Harlem, but she was also trying to forget someone else. </p><p>"You wanna talk about it?" Asked Sam one day, they were walking back to her place, hands entangled and take out under Sam's arm. </p><p>"Mmm," She said, her eyes lost somewhere far away. </p><p>"Maybe tell me a name?" He offers, not sure why.</p><p>"I don't think so," She turned toward him, a half smile on her face "What about you? What is her name?" </p><p>"Yeah, maybe not." </p><p>Sam knew things were not gonna be smooth, it was not easy even before it started to get serious. He knew for sure  when he told his family about their relationship over dinner. His mum glared at him like he had just said the dumbest thing she'd ever heard and Sarah choked with her food. </p><p>"But what about Bucky?" Cece asked, equally as horrified. </p><p>"He's just my friend" Sam said feeling stupid. </p><p>"Like hell he is just a friend," Scold him his mother, looking aggravated "Oh, Samuel, he's such a nice man…" </p><p>"Why?" Demanded Sarah, actually pissed off. </p><p>The night went awful after that. </p><p>But their relationship had its perks. Maybe relationship was a big word for sex and take out, but at least it was good. Real good, actually. And sometimes, when she was all over him, wet mouth and hot skin he thought that <em> that </em> was all he needed. <em> There </em>when she pushed him down, her hand on his chest, his hand on her back, feeling his mind unrevealed at the contact, that was enough to keep him going. When his eyes got lost in the brown glossy skin, and when they moved together, he could swear it was gonna work.  Because she was so goo---</p><p> </p><p>Bucky jumped off the chair. </p><p>"That is it. That enough" His voice was hoarse, filled with something weak. </p><p>Sam needed a second to get back into his skin, looking around at the room filled with people and feeling disconnected from everything, his mind still buzzing with old emotions. </p><p>"Go again?" He said, disoriented.</p><p>"I don't need to see that" Bucky croaked, eyes wide and face full with distress. </p><p>"You...You can't just call it quits now," Wilson blurted, unreasonably enraged by the other man beauvoir. </p><p>"I can't- I'm not sitting there to watch you... Watching that!" He scoffed with the last words, moving towards the door.</p><p>"Really?" Sam laughed, irked "You really want to stop when the memories finally start feeling like my own?" </p><p>"Oh good grief," Mumbled Strange- opening his mouth a little bit, horrified, before looking to the floor- Sam realized the man had also been in their head taking a look at his and Misty's heavy nights. </p><p>"Ugh, shit Sam." Snapped Wanda, turning around, looking to the wall. </p><p>"I'm sensing some tension," Commented Thor, eyes darting in between them. </p><p>"Just--shh" Wanda barked under her breath, still not turning around. </p><p>Sam, who had his eyes glued against Barnes' back, almost felt guilty. The shoulders of the soldier were tense, like a prey about to get caughted. He didn't mean to hurt the man, not like that at least. But it was true, in some sense, the memories of being with Misty were more natural to his mind, to his body. But then Bucky turned around, his shoulder dropped and his face...Fuck his face. He looked so tired, so exhausted and humiliated. </p><p>"Okay," He began saying, breathing evenly "But not now, it's been too much time…" </p><p>"Actually it's only been half an hour." Commented the spider boy. </p><p>"Well, it felt like way more" Bucky said, a soft smile in Peter's direction. "Can we stop for today? Is that okay with you, Sam?" </p><p>Sam forgot himself for a second, feeling just like in those foreign memories that weren't quite his, a swollen heart piercing with pain and the yearning of contact, of grabbing Bucky and hugging him tight or to shake him for another reaction, for him to get angry instead of sad, to wash away the exhaustion. </p><p>"Yeah, man, sorry," Wilson said instead. "I think I'm just tired too." </p><p>Barnes nodded, his eyes bloodshot, he open his mouth again but close right after "Okay then." </p><p>The words felt like a punch to the jaw, but Sam just looked down, feeling his skin crawling. It only took a second, turning in his chair listening to Bucky leaving the room for everyone to look <em> only </em>at him. </p><p>"So…?" Said the spider boy "You did see stuff?" </p><p>Sam chuckled at the kid, a range of stolen memories prickling at his skin. <em> Stuff </em>, was quite a word to describe what he saw. </p><p>"Yeah, Pete."</p><p>"Pete?" Clint's voice startled Sam who had almost forgotten the man was still in the room. </p><p>"That's his name." Argue Sam, voice dry, knowing damn well that was not why Barton sounded surprised.</p><p>"So I'm in your memories too?" The boy moved forward, clenching to the table. It was bizarre, looking at him with the mask. Sam nodded, jealous of Barnes for getting a free ticket out of <em> Peter's interrogation time </em>. "And?? Is it true??" </p><p>"I mean...It's definitely there," Sam felt his neck heating up "It doesn't make sense, tho...You kinda move out with us--After Bucks help you with some school papers, mm, god I don't even know." </p><p>"Bucks?" Mumbled Clint, in the same way he had asked previously. </p><p>"What else do you remember?" Peter's question seemed to grow more desperate. </p><p>"I don't think that counts as <em>remembering</em>…" Started saying Sam but cut himself short at the sight of Peter's anxious body language "You have a girlfriend? M J. And a buddy, Ned? Mmm, you talk a lot. You play call of duty until godforsaken hours…" Sam rummaged for more information, not entirely sure what the kid wanted "You finish high school early, got into every University you apply for basically, but you wanted just the one. We moved to California with you, so we could still work together--Mm, Bucks idea… You seem to be doing great, honestly--I mean not at beginning, we found you inside of a closet, bleeding a shit tone and crying, uh, but you got better" </p><p>"Uh, well, that sounds like me." Peter agreed with a chuckle.</p><p>"And what about the rest?" Thor spoke, something wiry and careful coating his words. "Did you see how Asgardians were handling it without...Me?</p><p>To that, Sam started laughing. First a small chuckle, that slowly but surely turned into a breathless laugher that he couldn't quite stop. </p><p>"That's part of the bizarre shit," He managed to say, between huffles "Loki, your brother, he works with us"</p><p>"Loki!?" Thor eyes widen, his whole demeanor changing "Is he alive?"</p><p>"Yeah," Sam control himself and chose not to say <em> 'sadly </em>' "Actually, Loki and Bucky--They are like buddy's, or some shit." </p><p>"Some shit?" Echoed Steve, looking bewildered "Friends?"</p><p>"Don't know man, I didn't seem to like the bastard at all…" To that, Strange snorted against his hand, Sam shot him a glare, annoyed. "What?"</p><p>The wizard pouted, shrugging like he was innocent of all charges. "That's a way to put it" </p><p>"And how would you put it?" Tony, who had been dangerously quiet, finally was carrying a grin. </p><p>"Well, I can definitely think of other words" Offered the warlock, the blue eyes sharper than usual "But I think Sam already thought of all of them." </p><p>"For the love of-I was not...I was just worried" Argued Sam, feeling everyone gaze on him. "Not offense Thor but your brother is not exactly the best influence." </p><p>"So Loki and Barnes become friends?" Tony raised an eyebrow. "Well, suddenly I'm very happy for not being there." </p><p>"It wasn't like that," Wilson didn't seem to be able to shut up. "Loki was actually...Good?" </p><p>"My brother, Loki?" Thor scoff, the blonde hair dancing around his face, framing the disbelief. </p><p>"Mm, uh, yeah, he was actually quite good-At being King and a friend I guess. Not to me, I don't think he liked me either." </p><p>"Well, that sounds interesting." Bruce said, looking at Thor with a shy grin. </p><p>"And you want to tell us why Barnes just fled the room like someone pulled out clippers?" Stark gaze lower, more intricate than before. </p><p>Sam stuttered, unsure of what to do next. Explaining why Bucky left like he saw a ghost meant either talking about <em> him and Bucky </em>, or  telling them about Barnes' choices...He didn't want to do any of those. </p><p>"No" He simply said, putting his forehead against the table "No, I don't want to tell you." </p><p>"Sam…" Steve sat down next to him, one of his hands on top of Sam's own.</p><p>"Is fine," he said, before his friend could get anymore worry "I did something, apparently it upset Bucky." </p><p>"Apparently...After he did something that <em> upset </em> you?" Recall Tony, not without some mockery. </p><p>Sam clenched his jaw, his head too burnt for any of Stark's delightful commentary. "It was different, he fucked up and I lashed out, I think." </p><p>"You think?" </p><p>And that was it for Wilson. He physically felt his last piece of patience shattering under the pressure of everyone's words, everyone's eyes, Bucky’ hurt expression flashing like a lightning against his chest. He stood up, pushing Steve's hand of his, walking out of the room while groaning without a care in the word. </p><p>"I don't know, Stark, it was a nasty break up, what do you want from me?" </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. You stood and you watched as my baby left town</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The empty floor hurted, Wilson realized while hiding under his sheets. It didn't make any fucking sense. He glared at the space where Bucky had slept last night, feeling his chest tight and his guts doing stunts. </p><p>Any. Fucking. Sense.</p><p>If only Nat was there… If she could tell him what to do, how to behave, if he could explain everything to her, every single corny detail… But she was gone and maybe...Maybe if Bucky had asked the stone to bring them back she would still be here. As irrational as it was...Maybe if it was him instead of Clint, without children, without a wife. Maybe he would’ve been quicker. Nat didn’t know his movements in the way she knew Barton’s. <em> Maybe </em>...Someone knocked at the door, Sam stomach did a pirouette, distress for reasons he didn't truly understand. </p><p>"Sam?" Steve call from behind it "We are set to go" </p><p>Wilson gave a thought to Steve and how well he was taking all the dramatics, so instead of pretending to be asleep he dragged himself out of the bed, sinking in his boots without trying to fix himself any further and opened the door. Steve stared at him for a second, a blonde eyebrow raising. </p><p>"I look like shit, don't I?" He asked, because Rogers was not about to say it himself. </p><p>"No!" Steve lied, because he was nice like that "You just look drain" </p><p>"Mmm" Sam agreed, closing the door behind him and walking side by side with Steve "How awkward is gonna get?" </p><p>"Uh, I don't think that bad" A tiny smile tugged at the sides of Steve's mouth "Buck is acting... Weirdly fine" </p><p>Wilson burrowed his eyebrows, feeling a piercing pang of jealousy. It was not fair that Barnes could be fine while he rotted in his room. At least it was <em> weirdly </em>. </p><p>The small victory  was clearly cheered too quickly.  When he walked into the conference room he fastly grasp what <em> weirdly </em> meant for Steve. Barnes was sitting next to Wanda, smiling brightly and chatting with one of those shit eating grins that Sam had seen so often in the man's memories. But maybe, the most weird thing about was his hair; short, fluffy, clean. </p><p>Wilson didn't mean to backtrack like he did, almost stumbling upon his own feet like a twelve year old. Nonetheless he wasn't particularly smooth. </p><p>Barnes dragged his eyes from Wanda towards Sam, his face growing concerned as he cocked his head like a confused puppy. </p><p>"You look like shit" He said, clearly teasing but with a tinge of honesty. </p><p>"You finally cut your hair" Replied Sam without missing a beat. </p><p>Bucky snorted, a hand going to the back of his head, finger pulling at the short locks "I been cutting it for a while now, it feel weird to have it long again" </p><p>"And Cece let you?" Sam asked, his mouth betraying him. </p><p>Bucky was already laughing, his eyes light and softening with the chuckles "Oh, it was a whole deal. Eventually she realized short hair needed to be cut more often so she gave up" </p><p>"Sounds convincing" Accepted Wilson, fighting a smile down. </p><p>"Well, you two look less murderous today" </p><p>Sam turned around to glance at Steve that was smirking at them, he pushed Sam inside the room, taking a seat and leaning back. Wilson checked the empty room with some relief. </p><p>"We are gonna do this alone now?" </p><p>"Yeah, they figure if anything goes south I can handle it myself" Assured Steve. </p><p>"We made them uncomfortable" Added Bucky, beaming at the words. </p><p>"You sound happy about that" The witch's voice was more relaxed than before, the falcon wondered if it was because of the memories, this lost found friendships of hers and Bucky's. </p><p>"Well, I told them so" </p><p>"Smartass" Grumbled Wilson, regretting immediately after. </p><p>"I'm just pointing out, they put themselves in harms way completely voluntarily" </p><p>"Okay mister I told you so" Perk up Wanda, standing up, offering Sam the seat next to Barnes "Let's do this" </p><p>Wilson tense up, looking wiry to come any closer, but eventually gave up, collapsing against the chair and closing his eyes. This time he barely felt the magic. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>He was not avoiding Bucky. Not per se, at least. What he was doing is being cautious about a clearly touchy situation. Misty, who was too sharp for anyone good, somehow caught onto this. </p><p>"What happened with the Winter Soldier?" She asked one day, while they ate pizza in bed. </p><p>He, rightfully so, choked on his mozzarella. </p><p>"Mm?"</p><p>"You two, you were like a team" She said, carefully "I read somewhere you even live together, but I never seen you with him" </p><p>Sam shrugged, sitting up straight and pulling the sheet around his waist.</p><p>"We are co-workers." </p><p>"I saw you two working together once," She decided to add, her brown eyes squinting. She stayed quiet for a moment, the tv filling the air with the day news "Very peculiar fighting style, you don't really match each other but it looked like it. You fight around each other" </p><p>Wilson nodded, unsure what to say. When he worked with Bucky the world seemed to be built for the two of them, but maybe Misty was right and they were the ones molding it to their size. </p><p>"Remind me of something my history teacher told me once, Mr. Fernandez a crazy bastard, obsessed with greeks...And apparently they, the Greeks, would fight alongside their partners, you know? Because <em> nothing </em> is gonna make you fight like the threat of losing someone you are in love with" </p><p>"Mmm" Mumbled Sam, eyes burning against the sheets. </p><p>Misty took a sharp breath, her hand cupping Sam's face "So what happened?" </p><p>Sam closed his eyes, moving away from Misty's hands, scrambling toward his clothes. This was probably the last thing he needed, it was too soon, too messy. </p><p>"It's not like that" </p><p>"Then why are you running?" Her voice was gravely, she was pulling him apart, studying his every reaction. </p><p>"I'm not running, I just need to get home" He put the shirt over his head, feeling the eyes burning against his neck. </p><p>"The home you never took me to" Misty supply, voice bitter "But it has nothing to do with the Winter Soldier, I suppose"</p><p>"Don't call him that" Sam didn't meant to snap but he did, he turned around his heart racing "James, his name is James" </p><p>Didn't help the case. Misty raised an eyebrow, probably thrown off by Sam's tone "I know his name" </p><p>"He is not the Winter Soldier" He repeated, folding his arms over his chest trying to hold himself together.  "Not anymore" </p><p>"Doesn't change my question, Sam" </p><p>It did, he wanted to say. Because it would be easy if the only thing living with him was the Winter Soldier. More simple to bring a girl home if you were received with a cold dismissive glance instead of warm and curious blue eyes. Less painful, for sure. </p><p>"Come on" He finally resolved, picking his phone and his wallet "You can met him yourself" </p><hr/><p>He didn't expect to find Bucky cooking and dancing. To be fair, he hadn't really spent much time in the compound- to not say none- so he assumed Barnes was just <em> not </em> spending time there either. So when he walked into the house, hearing the music purring from the kitchen his heart quiver with something damp and droopy. Misty gave him an interested look, as they walked into the living room, the kitchen connected with it by a huge open archway. On the other side, Bucky was turned to the windows, his hair into a bun, a hoodie without sleeves hanging loose around his body as he was swinging to Grover Washington.</p><p>"And darling when the morning comes, and I see the morning sun, I wanna be the one with you…" Bucky was mouthing, cutting what looks like potatoes. </p><p>It became absurdly clear why Sam kept away from his own home. Because only looking at Bucky felt like a big mistake. </p><p>"Barnes?" He called, fighting a sheepish smile. </p><p>Bucky, who was never expecting to be ambushed, jumped off his skin, turning in his place like a startled cat.</p><p>"For fuck sakes, Wilson!" He let out, putting the knife down and snorting the tension away "I have a knife, dude, don't be sneaky!" </p><p>"Most people's first response is not to stab" Misty spoke tentatively, hand inside her pockets. </p><p>Barns only then seemed to notice her, he smiled- charming to Sam's surprise- and shrugged, cleaning his hands against a rag "I am not most people'' He resolved, pointly offering his left hand for her to shake. She grinned, taking the prosthetic hand with her own. </p><p>"Mercedes" </p><p>"James, but everyone calls me Bucky so feel free" </p><p>Of all the scenarios Sam had created in his head this civil almost too friendly interaction was not one of it. Which left him without anything to say. </p><p>"I'm making dinner," Bucky commented "You two are staying?"  </p><p>"Nah, we already ate" Wilson replied, feeling helpless.</p><p>Barnes looked over his shoulder, the electric blue eyes taking a double take at the couple, he nodded going back to his task. "I'm just gonna show Misty around" </p><p>"Peter is upstairs" simply said Barnes without pulling the eyes off the knife "He's been bitching about you being gone too much for days now, so go say hi" </p><p>"Oh, okay" Good god, when had he forgotten how to talk? </p><p>"Come on, baby, pull your tour guide abilities" Misty pulled at his arm, forcing him to move but Sam brain could only register the lack of reaction in Barnes' body as the word 'baby' hit the air. </p><hr/><p>Sam took Misty's hand as they walked around the compound, it was big enough to feel like there was something to be seen. But Sam was not paying attention, not even to his own words. Even once they creeped into his room, mouths clashed, Misty's legs around his hips; his head felt crack open, dismissive, dispersed. So when Misty pulled away, untangling herself from Sam,  and looking pissed, he wasn't surprised. </p><p>"I'm sorry," He grumbled, looking down, feeling his face hot with embarrassment, the tears starting to form in his eyes. </p><p>"What happened, Sam?" She asked again "Because that man seemed just fine and you...You are a mess" </p><p>Wilson let out a clinical laugh, covering his face and hitting the back of his head against the wooden door. </p><p>"I don't want to be with him," He said, the words thick and heavy. </p><p>"You sure about that?" She bicker, crossing her arms "Because the way you look at him when we walked into that kitchen said otherwise" </p><p>"He's done shit…" </p><p>"We all did shit, Sam" She huffed, fixing her hair. "I thought whoever it was you were running away from, it was in the past. That you lost them in the snap...Because I did. But that man is right on your fucking kitchen" </p><p>"I know" Sam's voice was barely a whisper.</p><p>"Then stop being a bitch" </p><hr/><p> Sam was not being a bitch. This was just a fact. One could argue he was being complicated, but with good reason. What Bucky did affected the people he loved. It affected him. Was he ever gonna see Gideon again? Was his niece ever gonna spend time with her dad? What about his mum, was she gonna live long enough to be united with her son once more? Steve? Was he ever gonna talk with Steve? And Nat? Jesus, he missed her so much. What if the latters got into some dumb shit and got killed before they were back? What if he wasn’t there to help? What then?</p><hr/><p>Loki did not like him. That was not news, nonetheless when the god appeared behind him in the middle of the corridor grabbing him by the collar and pushing him inside an empty room Sam was. if anything, a bit surprised. </p><p>“What the hell--” He yelped, scrambling backwards, pushing the warlock hands off him. “Get the fuck off me, Loki.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Snarled the other man, green eyes shimmering with determination “I'm gonna tell you something; not because I like you, but because you being miserable is even more irritating than you being happy, if that’s possible somehow…”</p><p>“Excuse me?” Sam asked, mentally searching the area for any weapons he could use to defend himself.</p><p>“The stone was never gonna bring us back.” Blurted out Loki, his eyebrow knit together “It knew our hearts, Wilson. Our desires, our fears, it talk to me in the same ways my- It was a cunning piece of work. When it made James choose, it did so we can both hear it. And It knew what he was gonna chose, the same way it knew you were gonna be mad about it-”</p><p>“How are <em> you </em>not mad about it?” Snapped Sam, looking at Loki as an equal for the first time. </p><p>“I work differently than you, Samuel. Not to say I don’t understand the reasoning behind your ever resting bitch face. I do, sadly enough. Therefore I’m trying to help you. Bucky did not made the call, do you get that? The stone only wanted to mess with us because we pissed it off. It was never gonna send us back. <em> Not then. </em>More than that, I’m sure if James had chosen the other option the three of us would be nothing but dust and blood stains.” </p><p>Sam let the words sink in… The horror of the reality soaking his bones with regret and denial. It made sense. But… He guessed, the point still stands, Bucky did not choose knowing this. He couldn’t. </p><p>“I’m not saying James didn’t chose. He did. What I’m saying is whatever sappy memorie, friend or family- Them being away- That’s not his fault. And if you want to blame the man for once in his existence remaining himself, maybe you two are just not meant to be.” </p><p>Sam wanted to say more. To punch Loki just for having the nerve to talk to him like that, but he froze, shoulders rigid and mouth screwed shut, after a couple of seconds the God sighed, rolling his eyes and storming out of the room like a toddler in the midst of a tantrum. </p><p>The God of Lies was not the person you expect to spit out so much truth. </p><hr/><p> </p><p>February turned into March. </p><p>Sam wasn't sure this was a good idea, he thought about it a bunch not sure why he was so insecure about something so small. Bucky's and his relationship was on a shaky ground, still nowhere near before, but slowly becoming less polarizing. Sam started spending time in the house, buying decaf for Bucky, talking about mundane things, sometimes even joking… Once he even felt tempted to leave a tiny Forget-me-not he found in the street- too mercerized by the little weed growing even with the cold weather but he restrained himself. Better not push it. </p><p>And then he realized Bucky's birthday was coming up. They were housemates still, so it seemed like a pretty reasonable idea but at the same time… At the same time he was aware it meant more. </p><p>So when Bucky walked into the kitchen he was a knot of anxiety. Peter, on another hand, seemed happier.</p><p>"Happy birthday!" Said the kid, hugging Bucky without thought. </p><p>Wilson recalled a time when no one was allowed to do such a thing; jump Bucky into a hug like it was nothing. Nowadays it seemed most people were allowed to do so. He caught Wanda hugging Bucky goodbye, Quill playfully wrestling with him, Strange squeezing his shoulder as he passed by, Mantis kissing him on the cheek even. And we'll, Loki didn't seem much of a fan of physical contact, but one time- after a particularly nasty mission regarding Hydra-  Sam caught him throwing an arm around Bucky's shoulders, squeezing and letting go so fast you'll think it didn't even happen.  </p><p>Right now Bucky was just smiling and chuckling, patting the kid in the back and sending Wilson a wiry glare that could probably tip anyone off, but Sam was too concentrated on how messy Buck's morning hair looked to notice. </p><p>"Happy birthday, man," He added from the other side of the kitchen, offering an already prepared plate of pancakes. "We got you something." </p><p>Then he picked the box, being as gentle as possible. </p><p>Bucky squinted his eyes, taking in the package, the blue eyes, red and droopy from sleep were suddenly wide open. </p><p>"Why is there a heartbeat in the box?" He asked with a confused grin, putting the present on his lap. Before anyone could say anything a small meow gave the present away. Bucky let out an actual laugh, so childish and content Wilson felt his heart doing stunts "A cat?"</p><p>"Set him free, dude!" Said Peter, looking just as eager. </p><p>The white ball of fur didn't put on a fight when Bucky picked him up, still chuckling. "What the hell?"</p><p>"You are always talking about having a cat." Simply replied Wilson, shrugging. "His name is Everest, by the way." </p><p>"Hey Everest," Bucky greeted the kitten with a smile. "How are you this tiny?" </p><p>The breakfast was chaotic, the cat got to try everyone's pancakes, walking across the table, sniffing them all but going back to Bucky. After a while Sam couldn't remember why he thought a cat could be a bad idea, Barnes was beaming, glowing with happiness. And damn it, Sam felt his heart beating out of his rib cages. </p><p>"Okay, I gotta run," Peter announced, taking his backpack and giving Bucky a side hug. "See ya" </p><p>"Go nerd up, kid." </p><p>Once they were alone the silence felt heavy. Bucky took the plates off the counter, opening the water and cleaning everything methodically while Everest watched. And Sam… Sam felt like his body was on fire. Every inch of his skin pulled forwards, towards the warmth, the roughness of Bucky's skin. It scared him enough to stand up, ready to flee the scene, to his dismay before he did so Bucky interjected. </p><p>"Are you coming tonight?" The question was weak. "We are going to grab a drink with Wan and the guardians. You can invited Mercedes if you want." </p><p>Sam stayed still, like somehow he could disappear into thin air...He had done that once, so hey maybe it happened again. Everest meowed in his general direction, snapping him out of it. </p><p>"We are not together anymore." The words came rough, raspy.</p><p>Bucky's eyes widened, as he made himself small "I know, Sam, but we still can be friends…" </p><p>"No, you dumbass," Sam stopped him with a smirk "Me and Misty, she dumped me." </p><p>"Oh," </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Bucky nodded, chewing on his lower lip, then he shook his head like he remembered himself. "That's sucks." </p><p>"Yep," Wilson agree, feeling a smile creeping to his mouth. "She was not so cool with me being in love with you, a bummer." </p><p>Barnes, usually quick, stayed still with his mouth slightly open, hands clunch to a rag, and when he try to talk the only thing that came out was a hoarse. "That'll do it" </p><p>"Bucks?" </p><p>Wilson ducked his head a little bit, the brown eyes trying to find the electric blue. When it did so it felt like thunder. </p><p>"Mm?"</p><p>"Can I- " </p><p>Before Sam asked if he could kiss him, Bucky moved, leaving the rag behind, pushing Sam against the kitchen counter with so much force it stole a whimper out of the falcon's lips. "Shit, Barn-" But then Bucky's mouth was on his, hot and sweet, the metal arm creeping under his shirt sending shivers down his spine. </p><p>"I missed you," whispered the soldier, dragging his teeth against Sam's earlobe "I missed you so much."</p><p>"I miss you too," Agreed the other man, his fingers finding their way between Bucky's hair, pulling for good measure, his mouth wondering over Bucky's neck, leaving desperate kisses. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Say that you feel as I, say we'll love till we die.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The summer was beautiful. Sam somehow convinced him to go to the beach, and even though Bucky hated the sand more than anything in this entire earth, he agreed. Everest was not so happy either. </p><p>"You can't bring a cat to the beach." Had said Sarah, laughing her ass off as Bucky bought a special leash on amazon. </p><p>"Watch me," Bucky retaliated, getting hit in the arm by the woman. Darlene glared at the both of them, putting a cup of tea in front of her son. </p><p>"You should come, mum" Sam said for the millionth time.</p><p>"What I need is some time for myself and without y'all torturing me."</p><p>Cece snicker watching over Bucky's shoulder, helping pick the colors for the leash, she bat her eyelashes at her grandma, pouting. "I hope you are not talking about me." </p><p>"Specially you." </p><hr/><p>Cece taught him how to recognize certain sea shells, filling their pockets of their hoodies with too many of them. To everyone's delight Everest was more than happy to walk around with them as they picked shells up.</p><p>"I think I want to cut my hair," Bucky eventually said, looking down at Cece. "What do you think?" </p><p>She had many thoughts about that. Eventually they came to a deal and when they got their little Rb&amp;b she stole Sam's clippers and got to work. </p><p>"Hey!" Sarah called when herself and Sam got back from buying groceries.</p><p>"Mum!" Cece screamed, running towards the door "Mum, look!" </p><p>Bucky walked out of the bathroom, still brushing hair off his shoulders. He wasn't sure how he expected Sam and Sarah to react like, but the shooken expression and  Sam's open mouth was certainly something. </p><p>"Wow," Said Sarah, scoffing "You look, wow."</p><p>Bucky smiled, perking up and sending an inquisitive glare towards Wilson "What do you think?" </p><p>Sam look down at Cece, putting a hand on her shoulder. "You need to start paying her, that's what I think."</p><p>That night he offered other opinions. </p><hr/><p>Sam told him he loved him for the first time in his sleep. They were spending the night in Asgard, the fault of Loki that had dragged them there for some feast that apparently was important but to Bucky's opinion didn't look any different than the other twenty feasts Loki swore were essential. They got so drunk in mead they ended up stumbling through the castle, using the walls as support. They managed their ways to Bucky's chambers- he had one of those and he was very proud of that- slumping into the bed in between kisses and insults. Eventually they ran themselves out, Sam burrowing his face against Bucky's neck. The soldier was falling asleep when the other groan, voice hoarse against his ear.</p><p>"I love you" </p><p>"Thank god, otherwise it would be kinda embarrassing" Let out Bucky, chuckling. And when he felt the sleep creeping in he said. "I love you too" </p><hr/><p>The memories flew careless thru Bucky's mind, lazy afternoons, battles, fights, Sam's angry face, Sam laughing, Christmas with family, new year with friends, too many to stop in any of them, raptly racing in front of their eyes, sinking in Sam's mind, it was enough to hurt. So much love. So much life. And it was his, somehow. </p><p>And then it stopped. </p><p> </p><p>Bucky woke up at the sound of a  heavy thumb. Everest meow too, waking up with the couple. He pushed his head up, looking at the window in the exact moment a flash of red and blue fall from the roof. He stared at the same spot, watching the rain hit the cristal. Sam, cuddled against Bucky's chest, opened an eye, looking amused. </p><p>"The kid?" </p><p>"Peter?" Bucky called, voice croaky from sleep. </p><p>"Yes?" Said a voice from the other side of the window, something shameful costing it. </p><p>"It's raining." Explain to him Bucky, his arm squeezing Sam tightly.</p><p>"Humm, yeah, I noticed." Agree the boy, sounds of ruffle fabric and broken branches coming from outside. </p><p>"Then why the hell are you on the roof?" This time it was Sam the one asking the questions, smirking against the fabric of Bucky's shirt. </p><p>"Mmm, Spider related issues?" Try Peter.</p><p>"So we don't wanna know?" Resolved Barnes stretching.</p><p>"No, I don't think so," agreed the other, more broken branches creek. </p><p>"Well, I'm making breakfast," Sam offered kissing Bucky on the cheek before getting out of bed, his fingers lazily petting Everest. "So get your ass inside" </p><p>"Yes, sir," Was the only reply. </p><p>Bucky snorted pushing himself out of the bed, just in time to close the door as Sam was opening it. The other turned around, annoyed, but the mood changed quickly as Bucky pushed him against the frame, bodies press together.</p><p>"Too early," Bucky complained, trying to drag Sam back to their bed. "Come on sweetheart." </p><p>"I promised breakfast to the kid," Sam argued but let himself be turned over his hills and pushed down into the mattress. </p><p>"Mmm," Bucky said, hearing the rain pick up, stronger, his mouth pushing Sam's open, they stayed at it for a few minutes, panting into each other's mouth, clinging to the other clothes and dragging teeth with trained desperation. Until a second thumb came from outside. </p><p>"Did he fall again?" Bucky asked to the air, chuckling "Actually I think you may have to go make the poor kid some breakfast." </p><p>He stared down at Sam, the man's eyes were dazed, examining his boyfriend's face with care, his tongue going through his lower lip, already wet and swollen from kissing. </p><p>"What?" Bucky asked, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>"I think you should marry me." Said Sam deadpan. </p><p>Bucky snorted, his body shaking with laughter "Are you having a stroke? Do you smell toast or something?" </p><p>"Don't be a dick when I'm trying to propose," Wilson brown eyes were glimmering, amused with his boyfriend's nerve. Then his voice went lower, more intimate and Barnes caught the insecurity popping out. "It's it really that insane for you?" </p><p><em> No. </em> </p><p>"Well, yes," Bucky said seriously, just to see the flick of panic in Sam's eyes. "That you think you can lazy Sunday propose to me, it's pretty insane. I'm from the 40', Samuel, I'm old school you gotta be a bit more romantic." </p><p>The teasing didn't escape Sam, that smirk sharply, turning Bucky so he was the one on top, leaving a sloppy kiss against his mouth "You. Are. A. Dick." </p><p>"But you think I should marry you?" Recalled Bucky, his hand entangled in the back of Sam's neck.</p><p>"I do." </p><p>"Well, then we'll see what I think once you ask me properly," Bucky teased, blue eyes flaming with mischievous intentions. </p><p>"But what if you say no? And you make me look like a dumbass" Argue Sam, leaving a trail of kisses against Bucky's jaw. </p><p>"If I say no, Wilson, I'm definitely having a stroke."</p><p>Sam smirk, smug and full of himself, kissing Bucky one more time before jumping to his feet. "I'm gonna hit the kitchen."</p><p>Barnes watched as Sam walked out of the room, stretching out in the bed, his heart racing out of control. Somewhere around his mind the memories of Howard sprung out, '<em> The world is gonna change'. </em>He wished Stark knew just how much. Half an hour later he walked into the kitchen, hair still dripping from the shower. The smell of fresh coffee and pancakes filling his nostrils. The kid was already at the table eating like he hadn't seen food in months. </p><p>"Good morning," he called, ruffling Peter's hair.</p><p>"Morning." </p><p>Bucky walked around the counter, Everest close to his heels, he kissed Sam's cheek taking a plate and looking for his mug. A crash of silverware made him jump, a smile already creeping in Peter's direction. But the kid was not smiling like he always did when he accidentally smashed a plate or broke a mug because of his super strength, instead his face was filled with horror, eyes bloodshot as he stared at his hands, slowly undoing itself, turning into dust. </p><p>"No, no, no!" Sam screamed, moving towards him, only to lose the control of his legs falling, his face vanishing slowly. </p><p>Bucky drooped the plate, a scream pricking at his throat when the world turned black.</p><hr/><p>Wanda let go of them, clearing her throat and moving away, Sam was vaguely aware of how she took Steve's hand pulling him to his feet and dragging him out of the room. </p><p>"Uh,"</p><p>"Uh?" Bucky's voice was low, huskier than usual. "That's all you got?" </p><p>"Bucks…" Sam started, feeling dizzy. "It's a lot" </p><p>"I know," Barnes moved his chair closer, his knees touching. "Just think about it okay?" </p><p>"Think...Think about what?" Sam blurted out. "Is a whole life I'm missing Bucky, and now it's there but messy…" </p><p>"I understand, Sam, believe no one can't understand it better than me….Why do you think I choose what I choose? I don't wish what you are going through to anyone." Barnes threw his head back, breathing shortly. </p><p>"I don't get it…" Sam admitted. "Is just so weird, the way I fell in love with you, I mean we are <em> us </em> how the fuck it happen?" </p><p>Barnes smiled, looking down and shrugging, one of his hands dropping into Sam's lap, his fingers curling over Wilson's hand. </p><p>"I don't know how it happened Sam. Because we fight, god knows we fight all the time. We annoy each other, you get on my nerves and get in yours and we are always about to kill the other. And your are impulsive, reckless--You never have a plan and you put on those fucking wings, even tho you are not a super soldier and if they fail you, even from a short distance, you wouldn't make it. And jump into battle, and protect people and… And, and I'm grumpy and crass, a control freak with anger issues that zones out every other minute, but we love each other Sam. We do. And I could tell you that I would die for you, or kill for you, <em> but </em> you know that doesn't mean much for people like us. The thing is, I live for you. I cutted my hair, shave, I put on perfume and shower, and I bought new clothes just to see your reaction, and I take care of our home, and the kid, and the cat, and all those fucking plants you keep buying, because baby I love you but good god you don't have a green thumb. But does that keep you from buying another fucking plant? Nah, Lord knows we don't need another potus but you keep on buying them because you know, Sam, you know I'm gonna keep them alive, because you made me want to live…" </p><p>Barnes was rambling, his eyes doze off, staring right at Sam’s hands like the only thing he wanted in the entire world was to reach for them. </p><p>"That doesn't sound very healthy" Sam grumbled, too astonished to say anything else. </p><p>"No, no, because it's not just for you. I try, because I love you, sure. But I'm nice to Quill, I go out for a drink with Loki, I keep Wanda close and I even keep up with Strange, because I care. I care for people, I care for keeping others safe. I don't live just for you, no. But <em> you </em> were the one who taught me that it was worth it…I don't know man, if you ask me that's pretty fucking good" </p><p>The thing was. Sam got it. The stolen memories of eating on the floor of his old apartment in Washington came flashing before his eyes… When he told Bucky following Steve was the in-between he always <em> needed and wanted </em> . But that wasn't entirely true. Helping Steve was the beginning of something new, sure. It was an opportunity that had no connection to Riley or to his previous life before Riley, but it wasn't a call he made. Matter of fact, he didn't have much room to make decisions around Steve, always too busy running, being a helping hand for the hero. Hell, he was okay with that, he loves Steve to pieces, and more importantly he believes in him. But being the sidekick of captain america was not always what Sam wanted, the falcon was his own, he entitled different things, a different experience and more importantly- in opposition to Steve- he still was just Sam Wilson. And being just Sam meant having a family- being with <em> his </em> family. The stone may have been a bitch but they were right about one thing, while running around helping Steve he had neglected them. It was such an important part of himself and somewhat he barely spent any time with his siblings or his mother. </p><p>The world needed saving but he deserved to have a life too. To be alive in every meaning of the word and not just be a tool in someone else's wars and fights. </p><p>And this life… This life that he shared with Bucky, where they had dinners with his mum and took Cece to the movies while also helping the avengers save the day. The life where Bucky would make him breakfast in bed and fight ruthlessly by his side. <em> In this life he was whole </em>. It  was the real deal. The better outcome. Not the running on autopilot he had been doing since Riley died alongside his dreams. </p><p>With Bucky he re-learnt the importance of <em> being </em>alive. </p><p>So he nodded, his hand opening to Bucky's, squeezing back "My head is a mess right now" </p><p>"I know, maybe five years of memories in two days is a bit much," Teased Bucky, biting his lip. "We have time, Sam. If that's what you want." </p><p>The falcon stayed quiet, "I fucking asked you to marry me" </p><p>"You did that," Agreed the other, smirking, but his eyes gave away the sadness that was truly cooking under the smile. </p><p>"Well I mean at least you were already making me do it twice so," Sam let out, finally picking Bucky's hands, interviewing their fingers "Next time I swear I'm getting you a ring at least." </p><p>They didn't need much words after that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Romance is a game for fools, I said and grinned Then you passed by and here am I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Turns out, they only needed to snap their finger again for people to recover the memories. </p><p>Which could've saved them plenty of pain, but on another hand meant that Carol needed to agree to put on the guantle. She shrugged it off, doing it like it was a stroll in the park. </p><p>After that it was madness. </p><p>People, apparently, were finding it hard to adjust. Afterall their body's were the same but their minds were now filled with years of experiences, degrees, school, you name it. But at least it was fair, everyone had five years apart, and only by the look of relief in Bucky's face Wilson knew it was fair. But of course there was some weirdness to it, for example Loki. </p><p>The god appeared right after Carol snapped her finger, almost summoned. Everyone's guns were up against him, but he simply squinted his eyes, pointing at Bucky with one finger.</p><p>"This smells like you," He said, but the villainy looked smoothly changed into a cat-like smile.  </p><p>"How little trust," Teased Bucky walking toward his friend, hugging him without permission. </p><p>Steve, next to Sam, grimace, cringing at the sight "Ugh, this is never not gonna be weird, isn't it?" </p><p>"Nope," Confess Sam "But you start tolerating him after two or three years."</p><hr/><p>Gideon almost tackles Sam to the floor, the older brother let out a shriek, hugging back after getting his balance back. </p><p>"I missed you!" Said Gideon between sniffles and tears "You dumb fucker." </p><p>"Hey!" Darlene shouted, looking behind the brothers. "Oh, James, baby, come on in" </p><p>Sam let go a bit from his brother, looking back at his...Well, boyfriend, he supposed. It was still new, on a very not at all new, we've been dating for years kinda way. </p><p>"Gideon, this is Bucky" He said, feeling dumb "He, uuhh--" </p><p>"Bucky!!" Cece appeared from seemingly out of nowhere running towards them. </p><p>The soldier's face changed, the tension disappearing for complete as he accepted the hug, raising Cece from the floor. "Hey, kiddo" </p><p>Maybe this was the weirdest part, seeing Cece as a child again. The last memories he had of his niece she was already 13, meanwhile the kid in front of him was roughly 9. </p><p>"Hey dad," She called, looking at the end of the corridor of Darlene's home "This is uncle Bucky!" </p><p>Barnes was already getting red, he looked at Sam shrugging with a smile. </p><p>"Uncle?" Gideon whispered, but he looked like he knew damn well what was going on.  </p><p>"My boyfriend," Clarified Sam nonetheless "Also the asshole I hunt through Europe." </p><p>Before anything else could be said Joe appeared in front of Sam. The man looked older, much more drained and exhausted than Wilson remembered him, they hugged and Sam couldn't help but to search his sister's gaze. She was looking wiry, her arms around herself. He didn't expect for everything to go well, but he hoped his sister could have something back… Bucky was already offering a hand to Joe, smiling, charming like sometimes he managed to do. Eventually he turned to Gideon, the smugness going to the floor leaving him looking a bit shy "Hi," </p><p>"Hey" Echoed Gideon, holding onto Bucky's hands with both of his "I been hearing a lot about you."</p><hr/><p>Sam got Bucky a cat. He wasn’t trying to replace Everest, he wouldn’t dare to do something so idiotic. But when he almost run over a white kitten in the middle of the road it felt almost like <em> destiny, </em>if there was such a thing,</p><p>When he appeared at the compound, cat in hand, Barnes stared at him for what felt like years, looking at the soldier up and down until a grin broke through.</p><p>“For names I was thinking Alpine,” Said Sam, smiling back.</p><hr/><p>They bought back their house in Ithaca. Steve, as it appears, absolutely loved the awful yellow Barnes loved. He helped them paint the whole house, looking like a true rye of sunshine covered with yellow paint. Peter joined them, if anything for tradition. And after they finished eating and Steve took off with the kid, Sam and Bucky walked to their porge, two beers in hand and sat to watch the stars, Alpine sitting in the middle while cleaning his paws. They didn't say much, basking in each other's company without trouble, and when Sam looked down he was not surprised to find a forget me not right in between them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So much fluff I know.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>